posted
Here's the first thirteen lines of the book I'm working on. I'm not sure if I'm being to blatant. I've been working on writing economically, but I think I might have overdone it. Let me know if it "hooks" you and please request more if you want it.
The-One-Who-is-Half stood in his mind. Her psyche had traversed time and space, piercing The Veil, to reach him. He would help her destroy the universe. She knew nothing of the man or his backwards time, only of her need.
A sound, like her bare feet made when they slapped against the large, red, clay tiles of her garden paths penetrated the quiet. The sound rang out again, this time accompanied by a diminutive silhouette.
“I know you. Do I? Something in your skin. Warm. My I. Your I. I know you,” the voice whispered at her from several directions. The outline vanished in a blur of vertical white lines. A child sprung into view a few paces in front of her. The pudgy boy held a large, red ball. Dirt smudged his puffy cheeks. The-One-Who-is-Half was sure the boy’s cheeks would make a squishing sound if she pinched them.
He bounced the ball. The hollow ringing resonated throughout the cavern as the toy rebounded off the blackness in front of his feet. “Ya wanna play catch?”
posted
I like a lot of this. I had trouble working out the POV at first. The first sentence implied it was the male's POV, but after reading it several times, I worked it out that it wasn't. I'd suggest being a bit clearer.
One other suggestion to make: cut out the word "large" when you describing the tiles. Alternatively, cut out "red", but I like "red" better than large for an adjective. The reason is that it's sort of jarring... it caused me to pause in that spot... might have been the comma.
Other than, I'm interested. It could work as a hook.
Oh, yeah. Can we get a name for the guy? I'm okay with the woman's name being "The-One-Who-Is-Half" -- but I wouldn't mind seeing her name, too. Don't hold this stuff back too long.
posted
"The-One-Who-is-Half", is her name. Once she is placed in culture later it makes sense. His name comes up in the first chapter. Thanks for the crits concerning the opening sentence and the concrete words.
[This message has been edited by Ryan Brotman (edited February 04, 2005).]
I'm not sure who's the POV character until paragraph 4. I'm also not sure what the physical setting is (there was a sound LIKE her bare feet on garden paths, but where was she really?)
"help her destroy the universe": given that we're in a sort of drug-dream reality, I don't know what this means (eliminate physical reality? hallucinate something?).
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