posted
I'm looking for readers for a fable/folktale type story I wrote. Not sure what the intended age range was, I sent it to Cricket on a whim (it's never been revised) and of course, it was rejected. I want to rework it but am interested in any new advice, thoughts on where to start with the revision, since I am aware it needs major revision, and probabliy won't ever be as good as some of my others.
Here are the first 13 lines, and I will send the rest to anyone that would be willing to actually read it.
Once there was an old man, walking from village to village, with deep wrinkles and thinning white hair. He carried a basket of the most luscious oranges anyone ever saw. As he neared a village, a boy ran out and watched him. “Sir,” the boy asked, “May I have one of your oranges?” “Later,” said the old man. “Lead me into your village, and we will see.” The boy led the old man into the village, and helped him gather all the people of the village together. “I have a basket of oranges,” The old man began, “special oranges. Each orange contains only six sections, and they each have special properties. The first section of each orange is called money—giving you all the money you could ever want when you eat it. The second is called Language, giving you the knowledge to speak any language in the entire world. The third is Food. With this section, you will never go hungry. The fourth is time. With time, you will never die, but live forever, and have all the time in the world. The fifth is health, and by eating it, you will never be sick. The sixth section tastes like the most wonderful orange you have ever eaten—and that is all that it is. Now, I am prepared to give everyone one section of an orange, whichever section they would like to have.” An impatient man stepped up first. “I want...”
[[EDIT-- just fyi, the total word count is 982.]]
[This message has been edited by silkenlightning (edited February 16, 2005).]
posted
I'd like to see it. Remember, children's lit follows the same principles as adult lit. Show don't tell. Your info dump on the orange sections is flat. Not because the IDEAS are flat but because you paint no pictures. You're telling not showing. Suggestion: Let the people SEE something magical happen with each orange segment that hints at what it is. Dangle these little mysterious visions out there to capture our interest as readers along with the village. SELL YOUR wARES! Chances are, the way the it stands now, your young readers will stop reading before they're through this paragraph. It is nice that you used a few descriptive details in introducing the old man, but what about the other characters? You don't have to go into great detail, but each person we meet should at least have one passing descriptive detail. Give them life! Please send what you have! I like your idea. Also, I've been an elementary teacher for 20 years. I might have some insights on the age group.
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited February 17, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited February 17, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited February 17, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited February 17, 2005).]
posted
Actually, because this is a fable, I'd have to disagree and say that "telling" is the traditional choice and exactly the right one. However, I do agree that a little more description--especially during the monologue--couldn't hurt. It got a little flat and my attention started to wander about halfway through. I think this could have a fairly simple solution, such as breaking up the monologue to describe a "mischevious twinkle in the peddler's eye" or the crowd's reactions to his claims. Since this is a fable, you could even tell the reader what the crowd thinks about what the peddler's claims. For example, "some regarded it with disbelief, but others were eager to try a piece of the orange and find out for themselves".
Posts: 233 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
OK, I believe I sent the full thing to everyone that replied, but I'm a bit flaky about being new here, so I'm not so confident of my copy/pasting email skills, so if you don't get it, tell me please. Thank you.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2005
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