posted
This is the second chapter of what will probably be a novella. The first chapter is essentially prologue, so this chapter practically stands alone, aside from references to one character in the previous chapter. This chapter is about 1900 words (the first chapter is about 2200), and I'd deeply appreciate readers for either or both chapters, especially the second. The genre is fantasy, though not your typical high fantasy (the first chapter is set on contemporary earth).
Here's the first 13:
Pike meant to scream when he felt his body being sucked out of existence. But when he realized that he was once again in a solid body on solid ground, he aborted the effort before managing more than a yelp.
“Welcome to Arkenfeld.” The speaker, apparently undeterred by Pike’s yelp, seemed to be examining Pike as closely as Pike was scrutinizing him. He was smaller than Peak, but something about him did not seem small. Although he looked rather like a slightly leaner Santa Claus, he exuded an intimidating aura. “Mr. Pike Titus, I gather? I’m Galnek, your new boss.”
“What happened?” Peak realized that his voice was pitched high enough to belong to a creditable cartoon character and tried to control it. “Where on earth am I?”
posted
It sounds like fun. One problem, you have Pike land in a new setting, but don't say anything about it other than that the ground was solid. The description of Galnek is also a bit lacking somehow.
Another problem is that the POV reaction to being sucked out of existence and landing in this completely unidentified place is a bit lacking as well. There is a matter-of-factness in the way it is described that is at odds with the apparently ordinary character. I got the strong impression that Pike often gets sucked out of existence, and typically deals with this indignity by screaming until he is returned to reality, only this time he returned to a reality sooner than he expected. Only at the third paragraph was I given reason to believe that Pike is entirely unfamiliar with this sort of experience.
That aside, I'll look at both chapters if you like.
posted
Thanks, I'll send them right over. Maybe I should see if I can incorporate the feel of your comments into the story ("Since Pike did not regularly get sucked out of existence, the only plan he could produce on short notice involved screaming until returned to existence. Since this happened more quickly than expected, he only managed a yelp.") I like it. (I know, I know, POV....) I just reworked this in response to a comment from another forum, but you are right. More reworking to go yet, I think.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
what Survivor said. Plus, I'm more confused by the body-sucked-out-of-existence line than I am intrigued. He's so obviously not been sucked out of existence - I just can't tell what's going on with that line.
But anyway, I'll read this chapter, if you like, but I'll skip the prologue if the chapter really stands alone. (i am biased against prologues and feel resentful when i read them.)
posted
I liked your opening sentences. They worked for me.
quote:“Welcome to Arkenfeld.” The speaker, apparently undeterred by Pike’s yelp, seemed to be examining Pike as closely as Pike was scrutinizing him.
I think this would work better if there is at least a partial description of Galnek before he says anything. That would give me a reason to believe that Pike is scrutinizing him. I would expect Pike to notice Galnek before scrutinizing him.
quote:Although he looked rather like a slightly leaner Santa Claus, he exuded an intimidating aura.
I finally figured out what's bothering me about this description. Galnek is supposed to look like Santa Claus, only not (as) fat and not jolly. When I take fat and jolly away from my image of Santa, all I have left is some guy with a white beard and a red suit. Perhaps it would be better to have Pike observe that Galnek looks like Santa, then have Galnek do something intimidating. Then both Pike and the reader can re-evaluate their first impression of Galnek.
One last thing. Is the character Pike or Peak?
I'd like to take a look at the rest, if you need another reader.
posted
Beth: Maybe this doesn't stand alone as much as I hoped. The first chapter ends with Pike's being snatched out of our world by Galnek's folk. This 'prologue' chapter describes the abduction from the POV of his abductor (I went with that because only that character had any idea what was happening.) I'll send you both chapters, and if you only want to read/crit the second, I'll still be delighted. You can probably tell more objectively than I can whether the second chapter stands on its own than I can. Thanks for reading.
MCameron: Thanks for the comments. I've obviously got a little adjusting to do with this opening, although knowledge of the first chapter would have cleared things up just a tiny bit (but not enough, I think). The character's name is Pike, but he is nicknamed Peak. This is first draft, mostly, so as I wrote, I just let the names fall as they did. Now I've got to go back and decide where to use which name. Obviously the juxtaposition is confusing here, especially if you don't know about the nickname. I'd be delighted to have you critique the rest. I'll send both chapters, although if you only want to crit one, that's fine. Thanks.
posted
I note that Pike knows things he can't know AFAIK. He can't know his body's being sucked out of existence (unless someone tells him, such-and-such sensation means your body's being sucked out of existence!). You want us to think the new boss is not "small," I think, but how does Pike know, when the man looks small?
I suggest going way too far in showing only what Pike sees/hears/feels/tastes/feels in his gut/has as emotion, and only 1 or 2 thoughts, to see how that goes.
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