posted
I would appreciate if anyone would be willing to help me with this query letter that I have just drafted. I would especially be interested in hearing from anyone who has written them before, but any thoughts are welcome. I only ask that you do not take this opportunity to comment on the plot or premise of this novel, only on my presentation of it to a prospective buyer.
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Dear Editor’s Name Spelled Correctly:
Imagine what you would do if you could predict the future – predict it, but not change it. This is what Marianne Waters is going through in my new fantasy/suspense novel, Touch of Fate.
In the past, Marianne has let the signs drive her into depression and destroy her marriage, but no longer. After her daughter’s best friend dies in a tragically unstoppable car accident, Marianne decides to move cross country and try to start over. To her surprise, she meets five women who suffer from the same curse.
But all is not right with these women. One of them, Suzanne Masterson, has taken the prophecies to a dark place by interpreting them as orders from God – even when they predict death. So when she predicts the death of her best friend and fellow prophet, Jean Tate, she has to obey; after all, it came directly from God.
When Marianne finds Jean Tate’s body she is caught up in the middle of a murder investigation that forces her to take a closer look at her own life, including her view of the prophecies. With the help of Police Detective Derek Richards, she must find the truth about herself and her curse before Suzanne kills again.
May I submit my 80,000-word manuscript, Touch of Fate, for your consideration?
posted
Your idea rocks, girl! As for the query... Do you want to just out and give away that Suzanne is the killer? Also you use the word "curse". Is this gift truly a curse?
Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I think that depends on whether or not Suzanne is a significant POV character. As for the other, yeah, I'd say it's a curse.
I do think that you should use somewhat more precise language when describing Marianne Water's precognitive abilities. Are these basically uncontrolled (and uncontrollable) visions of the future, or are they directed somehow? "Predict" tends to imply that you are answering a question, thus which information is being recieved is somewhat controlled. "Signs" implies that the knowledge gained has to be interpreted rather than being implicit in the message. "Prophecies" implies that the particular foreknowledge gained isn't under any human direction, but doesn't imply certainty or clarity.
As far as that first line is concerned, the phrase "Imagine what you would do if" could be shortened to "What if" without any loss of meaning. "This is what" is a similar weak phrase opening the second line. "In the past," is vague and seems a bit trite somehow. After that your language seems to pick up momentum, so the problem with those initial lines should be pretty fixable.
This is a suspense not a mystery. One of the key defining differences between the two subgenres is that in a suspense that reader knows who the killer is and fears for the sletuh as he/she figures it out. Mystery is a pure whodunit. Since Suzanne is shown to be a killer in chapter 3, I figure it is ok to give away. The mystery in this novel is: Will Marianne be able to stop her and if so, how?
Survivor, I hear what you're saying about more specific language. Let me see if I can sharpen this with everyone's comments in mind:
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Dear Editor’s Name Spelled Correctly:
What if you felt signs of future events you could not change? This is the plight of Marianne Waters in my new fantasy/suspense novel, Touch of Fate.
Historically, Marianne has let the signs drive her into depression and destroy her marriage, but no longer. After her daughter’s best friend dies in a tragically unstoppable car accident, Marianne decides to move cross country and try to start over. To her surprise, she meets five women who suffer from the same curse.
But all is not right with these women. One of them, Suzanne Masterson, has taken the signs to a dark place by interpreting them as orders from God – even when they predict death. So when she predicts the death of her best friend and fellow prophet, Jean Tate, she has to obey; after all, it came directly from God.
When Marianne finds Jean Tate’s body she is caught up in the middle of a murder investigation that forces her to take a closer look at her own life, including her view of the signs. With the help of Police Detective Derek Richards, she must find the truth about herself and her curse before Suzanne kills again.
May I submit my 80,000-word manuscript, Touch of Fate, for your consideration?
Sincerely Yours,
Christine Morgan
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Basically, I changed the first three sentences but as you can see I decided to carry the word "signs" through the letter. My nomenclature in the manuscript itself is unfortunately a little confusing as well, but I have that on my "to fix" list for the final edit before I send it off.
By the way, does anyone know....when I sign this letter do I use my real name or my pen name?
posted
I inherently find the second paragraph more interesting than the first, and that was where I started getting interested since this is what makes your sign/perdiction story distinct. The What If of the first sentence seems too general to hook well. As is, though, it has an orderly, developed flow to the letter.
2 nits: "Historically" doesn't sound right to me for the time frame/scope of life you are referring to.
"takes to a dark place" seems a bit strange to me too. FWIW, this exact phrase is in the movie The Craft, which may be the reason it's resonating with me strangely.
posted
First, I actually think you could do away entirely with the third paragraph. Something like (and I'm sure it could be worded better):
(end of second paragraph)...from the same curse.
But when Marianne finds the body of one of them she is caught in the middle of a murder investigation that forces her to take a closer look at her own life, including her view of the signs. With the help of Police Detective Derek Richards, she must find the truth about herself and her curse before the murderer kills again.
That third paragraph is a bit confusing for me. Especially the line: "So when she predicts the death of her best friend and fellow prophet, Jean Tate, she has to obey;"
I'm not given the crucial crumb of information that would help it make sense--that Suzanne envisioned herself killing Jean, OR that she saw Jean's death, but when it didn't happen like she 'saw' it she decided she would have to do it. You're either characterizing Suzanne as a stricly obedient prophet who has seen her destiny in vision, or you characterize her as a false prophet who 'makes' her so-called visions happen for her own selfish purposes. As an editor, I would want that to be clear. It could, IMO, greatly effect my expectations going into my reading of the book.
From what I understand, you want to be sure your manuscript meets the expectations that your query provides.
Second, if you cut that third paragraph you leave room for a paragraph of publishing credits. DO NOT forget those! You have at least two to put in there. That's the very reason you've been writing and submitting short stories, isn't it? Every little bit helps.
posted
I think AeorB1033 is right that the second sentence could be stronger, but would suggest that "This is [blank]" is the problem. "Plight" doesn't help, from my point of view, and makes it almost cliche. Perhaps you could make it more active with something like, "Marianne Waters faces this plight in my new..."
Ditto Survivor on "Historically."
"But all is not right with these women," could be cut and replace with "But one of these women has taken..." I suggest this, because it condenses your text some, and also because it gives one less name for the editor to read.
Besides that, it looks strong to me. I would list the publishing credits if they are in the same genre, but otherwise leave them out.
As far as pen names goes, sign your own name. Use your pen name only on the manuscript under the title. Your real name still goes in the header.
Have you started working on your synopsis yet? That was the thing that killed me. Hate them. Hate them lots.
quote:<wrinkles nose> eeek...I'm not sure what you're thinking about my murderer. I sure hope I've made it clearer in the novel!
I'm sure you did! But if you can't figure out some way to make it clear in the query, I'd leave it out.
Echoing Mary: put them in! Especially if they're the same genre. At a conference I attended last fall, I spoke to a freelance writer (magazine articles mostly) who says to put them in. She says even the most obscure are worth putting in. She says it seems to be quantity rather than quality that attract the editors--that they don't check up on all your obscure credits. They just want to know that you write, are selling, are potentially as prolific as they'll want you to be as a novelist.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited February 17, 2005).]
* Cool * Oh, yes, identify the killer, at least in the synopsis. * I wrote my synposis BEFORE the novel, figuring it was more important for selling it! * You might get a book or 2 about how to do the query letter for more help.
posted
Mary, thanks for responding. If you hadn't, I was thinking of sending this to you.
As for the summary....oh dear, you had to say the 's' word? I've got that on my next week's to-do list. I started it already and I frankly think it sucks. I've got one more week to pull this all together for the Wizards of the Coast deadline...where does the time go?
posted
Hmmm...I'm a little worried by the use of "signs" without giving it a bit of definition, partly related to what DJV says about Suzanne's interpreting them as orders from God. I also worry that "Historically" is just as fuzzy as "in the past", as a couple of people have noted. A phrase like "since her first child's birth, when Marianne first began to see them," would be a bit more informative.
I can see the criticism of "But all is not right with these women" on a couple of levels. For one thing, you just told us that they all suffer from a curse, so of course all is not right with them But I wouldn't fiddle with it if you're basically satisfied. The phrase "taken the signs to a dark place" is something I might change, but still not a red flag for me.
I won't tell you not to agonize over this or anything, but I do think that it's basically okay at getting the idea across. There's always room for improvement, but this isn't the only way you can spend your time, after all.
posted
Thanks, Survivor, and I agree with you. I'm not saying I won't tweek it a bit more, but frankly, I think it works overall. In fact, the more I think about dakota's problems with that one paragraph, the more I don't think it's really a problem. I think she worded the ideas a little strangely based on how I wrote the novel, but she basically has at least one idea in her mind that is close to the truth, and the idea of this is to tease not to give an exact account. If I felt an editor might look back and think he/she was lied to I would be worried, but I don't think they need an exact picture up front....otherwise why would I have written the other 80k words? Hopefully, this gets them thinking that an evil character is present to cause problems for our heroine. Her exact psychosis is described in the book.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Not to rock the boat, but didn't OSC suggest in the back of How to Write SF & F, that a query letter should be very short, to the point and business-like? I'm not at home right now, so I can't look it up, and I might be getting the book confused with another, but I think it went something like this:
(on plain white paper)
quote:
Date
Inside Address
Dear (Editor's name):
Here is the first chapter and outline of my fantasy novel "Blue Moon Rising". If you are interesting in reading more, please contact me. This is not my first published work, I have also been published in (Name of Mag) and in (Name of mag). I was also the first place winner in the (Name of Contest).
Thank you for your consideration,
(Signature)
(Author's Name)
I would also put my name, address, phone, fax and email across the bottom of the letter, as if it was stationary.
Then in a white 10X13 envelope place the following: * The letter * First chapter (printed on good white stock paper & paper clipped not stapled, not folded either, no colors, no artwork, just properly formatted manuscript.) * Outline/summary * Self addressed stamped envelope
Type on the outside of the 10X13 envelope (in a normal font 12 pt., like courier or arial) proper address for editor, and return address. Nothing else should be placed on the envelope except postage.
posted
Yes, he did suggest that, but everyone else suggests what I've done...a teaser. I take Card's advice very seriously as he is one of my favorite authors, but he hasn't convinced me on this one. The point of this query package is to sell my novel, and while that means being strictly professional, it also means I have to suck them into reading my first three chapters.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Also remember that OSC probably hasn't had to do this query package thing for years now. His suggestions on querying might be out of date. Everything I've read says to tell what the novel is about including the ending.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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But I wouldn't fiddle with it if you're basically satisfied. The phrase "taken the signs to a dark place" is something I might change, but still not a red flag for me.
