posted
Greetings... This is the opening of the fantasy novel I've worked on for a while. Any and all suggestions appreciated. Thanks.
In Mothbride, the final gulawheat harvest of the season neared its end. Merchants, royal stockmen, carriers and barterers from all across Xun-Theine descended upon the tiny hamlet in the southeastern corner of the kingdom of Southern Ely as they did for each harvest of the precious, and therefore expensive gulawheat. The royal families from the large capitols of Mor'Ashe and Pommicilum to the north and the shieldbarrons from the countries of Morshi and Thoine all sent great caravans of empty carts to fill with the highly prized gulawheat crop. Although it grew in nearly every open space and free field in the whole of Xun-Theine, the gulawheat of Mothbride was sought out for its finer taste in breads and cakes as well as it use in a thousand different varieties of ale. The final harvest of the season, which always occured a few days before the first front, was considered by most to be the finest crop of all. Legend claimed Mothbride as the very spot where All-High Jur planted the very first gulawheat seed, in remembrance of his lost love, Omia. Many farmers, however, claimed their fields housed the blessed spot, and each had evidence of dubious nature to support their argument. These claims seemed to affect the price of gulawheat much more than the wildly set prices in the bustling and overflowing Market each morning at dawn. The local people not involved in the harvest tolerated the massive influx of visitors as well as could be hoped, although some better than others. Mothbride, far removed from the politics and intrigues of the larger cities and shieldbaronys and the struggles for power and wealth, seemed almost a separate kingdom unto itself, as though the fall of King Ashmor and the decline of the Gleamed Rule, all those many thousands of years past, had yet to be taken note of by its people. Unlike nearly all other areas of Xun-Theine, Mothbride was not ruled by a shieldbarron nor allied with one of the stronger city-state monarchs from Mor'Ashe or Pommicilum. Instead, a small council of locals saw to the settling of disputes and the gathering of taxes.
posted
I read your introduction. Welcome. That's quite an amazing amount of work you've done. I find your overall writing style very readable, the information interesting.
I'm no great fan of milieu fantasy. That said, even in the occasional milieu fantasy I DO read, I like to jump into the story before receiving so much background information.
Instead of telling me about the culture, lead me into it with an interesting character or event.
For instance:
Mantee Durredge shifted a sack of gulawheat on his shoulder and pressed his way through the crowds in Mothbride. The harvest neared its end and the tiny hamlet teemed with Merchants, royal...
Then stay with Mantee (or whoever...obviously) through the town, letting us see these things through his eyes and helping us make some judgements about them through his attitudes and thoughts and actions and dialogue. I can digest a lot more information much more easily if it is presented through a solid POV character. And I can digest even more if it follows some very interesting tension building action that immerses me deeply in the story by making me care.
posted
1) Ditto Dakota. A few word changes and you could turn this into an encyclopedia article on gulawheat.
2) Excerpts posted in this topic should be 13 lines only. That's in Courier, 12 pt, with 1 inch margins. Formatted that way, you've got 35 lines worth. It should stop after: ". . . a thousand different varieties of ale." You may want to edit your post accordingly.
posted
Well, I'm only a newbie, but perhaps I can offer some suggestions.
First off, it's an interesting world, and I like that the nomenclature you use seems fairly internally consistent.
Following up on djvdakota's suggestion, I can easily see how much of this can be sprinkled into your first scene while the characters are busy doing something--for example, a walk through Mothbride's marketplace, or passing a statue or All-High Jur, commemorating his planting of the gulawheat in honor of his lost love.
Whenever I write a fantasy I have a tendency to do something similar, and write several paragraphs' worth of scene-setting, which I then chop up and sprinkle into the scene as needed. It's not necessarily the best way to work but it does eliminate some rewriting, as long as you keep the bits you reuse in context and/or POV.
posted
Thanks for the responses. I apologize for the length..I assumed thirteen sentences not thirteen lines. As for what I've since learned is called 'infodump' on this site, I agree with the criticism. This is actually the first of two opening paragraphs and the second is more character-oriented. And I was partly curious to see if a non-character opening could be pulled off, but I see how it could seem like a textbook and lose the reader quickly. Thanks for the responses. Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2005
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