posted
The story itself is a fantasy, 5000 words. I'm still a novice, so any help at all is appreciated. This piece is still in the beginning of it's editing stages; I apologize for any roughness.
*****
Case Worker
“Great.” Jeremy's words had the exact tone of an eight year old boy whose puppy had just squatted on the floor. As he shuffled through the steaming pile of bills he had pulled from the mailbox he separated the few with a large red “Final Notice” stamped on the front and let the rest fall into the trash. He tossed the survivors onto the small kitchen table and reached for the phone. Dialing the number, he let his frustration build.
“Hi, Lenny?” He tried to at least start out nice. “Yeah, this is Jeremy Carmike.”
His face twisted at the response.
“You should remember me, I'm the one you laid off instead of your nephew.”
[This message has been edited by Jsteg1210 (edited February 19, 2005).]
posted
Not much to complain about. I'm not hooked until your last line; someone who's got a problem paying the bills is commonplace, but somebody who'll talk like that on the phone to a former employer is interesting to me. Maybe you could start there. Oh! I did think of something to complain about. I don't know why he made the call. You're probably about to let us know, but I think I'd rather know before the guy tries to start out nice -- so I'll understand why he even bothers.
I think the previous comment might have been about the 2nd sentence -- an idea that Jeremy wouldn't be thinking about what his tone was like. I had a problem with this for a different reason: it just seemed unnecessary, and after talking about puppy poop, mentioning a steaming pile of bills was a metaphor that didn't seem to fit (bills are unpleasant, but they don't steam).
posted
Hmm. I like it, but it could definitely use some work. I don't know if it's just me, but I don't like using metaphors and similies in the first sentence (or the first paragraph, if I can help it). I think it's best to give your reader something concrete and intriguing to open with. For the most part, you do, but I thought the eight-year-old with a puppy was distracting. Cute, but distracting. We're not close enough to caring about Jeremy yet to let it not distract us.
I have to agree with wbriggs in that I'm not reallly hooked until the last line. I wonder if there is a way you can move that up so it's closer to the beginning, and it grabs my attention sooner? I don't know how badly that would slow things down later in the scene, though.
I'm assuming he's trying to get his job back (or at least get a job of some sort), right? If not, you'll probably want to find a way to make his motive clearer here, too.
posted
The eight-year-old puppy reference caused another problem for me, I immediately thought of Jeremy as a younger character.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I just read this and the comments so far. I didn't realize until the last comment, but I was thinking of him as a boy, too. I did have a problem with "steaming bills" which didn't make sense to me.
Also dialing "the number" is a little ambiguous after the mail stuff. I'm left assuming it must be a number on one of the bills, I guess.
The writing style is clean and engaging, for the rest of it, however.
posted
I just realised that I didn't mention that this is a finished draft. I am looking for people to give the whole thing a once over, if anyone would like my eternal gratitude .
Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2004
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. Thanks everyone for the help.
