Gideon was an excellent Healer. He couldn’t say that he prided himself in it, but he could say it was true. But there were a few things that prevented him from being the best.
Wednesday’s child was one of them.
But of course, when he saw her, he didn’t know who she was. All he had was what he felt, and maybe some echoes of what had been.
He was rummaging around in the kitchen area of his dormitory and thinking about yesterday while looking for jello. He thought he had seen a box of it a while ago.
But although jello had little to do with what he had seen yesterday, he found himself humming a song that he didn’t know the words to, and remembering.

<i>Lie still, and dusk will come
Dusk will come, gloaming-child
Lie still, in dark serenity</i>

ok. I know it ends oddly. This is the original version-

Lie still, and dusk will come
Dusk will come, gloaming-child
Lie still, in dark serenity
Dusk will come too soon… for all of us. All of us…
Her face was small, and white, and her voice was silver. Eyes like pools of dark chocolate stared into the sky, and her hair- soft, and wispy brown- stirred gently in the chilling wind.
She knelt by a gravestone, with a few limp wildflowers tucked into her wasted hand.
She didn’t fit into the crisp autumn afternoon, the blue-white sky, the orange, gold, and brown leaves twirling in eddies and scratching across the cobblestone roads. Her dress was white, flowing, trailing like waterfalls over her thin frame.
Crying.

What is better? Immediate connection to a character and some interest in him.

What is worse? The immediate switch to a flashback. Generally speaking, if you find yourself going to a flashback so quickly you started in the wrong spot and should simply back up. We need firm grounding in the moment before flashing back and it is a device that should honestly be used sparingly and when we're quite wrapped up in the story.

Also, and I don't know exactly how to describe this, but the language wasn't as strong in this. The words not as pretty, which although I thought they sort of got in the way they were also something of a strength. I felt that if the story had been introduced sooner the combination of story and the elegance with which you use the English language would have been a powerful combination. In this your words fell flat. I keep reading and trying to see why....

One thing I see is an overuse of the verb "to be." It weakens the passage, especially right up front. I think you have a use of the verb in about every sentence...

But that's not the biggest thing. That's just a thing, a thing some people will crucify you for. There's just something not here that I, for one thought was there in the previous version. I'm not sure if you were trying too hard then or now, but I find myself wondering if that has something to do with you. I encourage you to try to sit back, relax, start with a blank page and no previous drafts anywhere in sight, and just write from the heart.

My reaction to your new piece is: I've got a guy who's blue (I think) because he couldn't be a good healer in one case. This doesn't interest me much -- or him, either, I think, because he promptly wanders to thinking about Jell-O and a song running through his head.

The beautiful language of your first version makes me think the usual advice isn't for you, at least not this time. My usual advice is: what's happening, and who's it happening to? Start there.