posted
Hi, this is the start to a novel i'm been working on, only i read back over it and don't know if it's worth finishing. (I'm great at selling myself, aren't i?). it's a fantasy story that starts in the real world so that's where this part is. it's also in first person, which i've heard is a big no-no, but that's how it came out. also, this is my first time posting so if i'm doing something wrong, please somebody tell me and don't let me continue to embarrass myself any further. it was 12 lines on Word but it looks longer here. any comments would be greatly appreciated!!!! thanks Do you ever get the feeling that the universe is one big joke and you’re the punchline? That every event that ever transpired is part of a giant conspiracy to make you look like a complete ass? You know, I never had much use for English class, dry stuffy teachers quoting dry stuffy dead guys. But I remember this one quote, a little less stuffy, a little less dead than the others. This quote wormed its way into my head and took residence there. This quote suck in my head the way a catchy jingle will, playing itself over and over and over until I could no longer hear it. Until it melted into the background, becoming part of my mental scenery
Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I found your posted fragment engaging. There isn't anything wrong with 1st person, so no worries there; there is just a preference with a lot of readers for 3rd limited simply because that is most common currently.
I do expect the next line or so to give me the quote that was so powerful. You've built it up too much now not to reveal it.
You have an engaging, easygoing style. But in order to comment effectively on your opening, I think you should go ahead and post the next few lines—at least through the much-hyped quote itself.
posted
I also am pleased so far. Usually I like to know where I am very quickly, but the internal dialog is cool enough I don't care yet.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I also like this opening. If you can keep this narrator thru out your book then you you'll have a pretty good yarn. The nice thing about a 1st person narrator is you can shift to 3rd person story. This can be tricky but worthwhile if you pull it off. Then you can have the best of both worlds.
Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
What's the quote? You've got me wondering now. I'm a sucker for internal dialogue (if it's done right), so you had me from the start. And don't worry about it being first person. It isn't as taboo as some people would have you believe. Minor nitpicks: You use the word quote in three consecutive sentences, and the word head in two.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I find this interesting and engaging, mouserah. For what's it worth, consider the following:
quote:Do you ever get the feeling that the universe is one big joke and you’re the punchline? That every event that ever transpired is part of a giant conspiracy to make you look like a complete ass?
I can't help but feel that you would elicit more sympathy if you got rid of the second person address ("Do you ever" and "you're the punchline" and "make you look") and switched to direct first person perspective. Simply, my pref. would be to say:
"I sometimes get the feeling [...] and I'm the punchline. [...] to make me look like a complete ass."
Even if I do sometimes feel like this character, I don't particularly enjoy being addressed by an author in fiction. I'd prefer the character tell me how he feels rather than asking me how I feel. And, when done properly, I'll ask myself how I feel anyway.
Of course, you can freely ignore my opinion regarding this. It's a style choice, I suppose. It just felt like I was reading an article in a magazine or newspaper, not a story.
quote:But I remember this one quote, a little less stuffy, a little less dead than the others. This quote wormed its way into my head and took residence there. This quote suck in my head the way a catchy jingle will, playing itself over and over and over until I could no longer hear it. Until it melted into the background, becoming part of my mental scenery
If a passage ever begged to be a single run-on, weighty sentence, I feel this one is doing just that. I won't rewrite it, but you could easily throw in a few semicolons and keep this sentence aloft in a grand fashion, and, in my opinion, truer to the voice you're trying to acheive; you could then easily address the issue of repeating the words that Isiah mentioned.
I think it's pretty clear that you're off to a good start. I don't have anything to add about this frag., but if you need a reader for the rest of the chapter let me know.
posted
okay, okay, due to popular demand i am posting the quote and next line or two so it makes sense thanks for everyone's comments!
"God is a comedian playing to an audience who is afraid to laugh." A man named Voltaire said it. I think he was some sort of french revolutionary or something. anyways, I made this quote my personal motto and whenever something bad happened, I made it a point to laugh.
posted
does the quote fit or do you think it's a bit of a letdown? it was my long winded way of trying find a creative way to introduce the fact that the narrator is tied to a stake about to be eaten by a dragon. (she lists some things that she's made it a point to laugh at then says it's hard to laugh when you're about to be eaten by a dragon) Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I think it fits, and I wasn't let down. It may be a little long winded, but it gets us into the character's head right off the bat.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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