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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Abyss

   
Author Topic: The Abyss
cklabyrinth
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Yet another start to a story from me. I think I have adult ADD - I can't really finish anything I start. Someday I'll buy myself literary bricks to use to make a house with all the story foundations I have.

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Corvan knew it was useless to continue running. Three police cars screeched to a halt in front of his building, but he didn’t need to get up from his desk to discern they were there for him.
“I looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked into me,” Corvan muttered as a werewolf kicked down his door. Three pointed their guns at him and cautiously entered his apartment.
“Hands up and turn away from me, human!” the lead werewolf shouted. “Don’t make me have to shoot you.” Corvan complied. He shuddered as one used its hairy hands to bind his wrists together. How did it get to be like this, he thought to himself.
The werewolves took Corvan to the station and hurled him into a holding cell among the last humans in the city. It wasn’t always this way; once there was a time Senator Corvan Joles was the country’s top advocate for eradication of the werewolves. Now, the werewolves sought retribution for the sins of humanity.
Corvan wasn’t surprised to see that none of the humans in the holding cell recognized him. He was in another dimension; one in which the werewolves presided. Humans were the minority, and now they were the ones being eradicated.

-
I think I actually have a good chance at finishing this one. I can't get the idea out of my head, so I'll try and write it out!


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wbriggs
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I'm using [] for delete, ** to bound things you might add.

I think you could crank up the volume a lot by concentrating fully on the moment (you're doing some of this, but then you go to summary regarding what happened after the arrest). You could also have Corvan absolutely terrified -- he seems resigned. (Resigned is realistic, but terrified interests me more.) Especially scary if werewolves behave like werewolves, biting people -- rather than just as cops.

Corvan knew it was useless to continue running. Three police cars screeched to a halt in front of his building, [was he running? then why is he still in his building?] but he didn’t need to get up from his desk to discern they were there for him.
“I looked into the abyss, and the abyss looked into me,” [huh?] Corvan muttered as a werewolf kicked down his door. [Werewolf? What werewolf? I thought they were cops. In retrospect, you could say the cops are werewolves, so I wouldn't think there are cops AND werewolves] Three pointed their guns at him and cautiously entered his apartment.
“Hands up and turn away from me, human!” the lead werewolf shouted. “Don’t make me [have to] shoot you.” Corvan complied. He shuddered as one used its hairy hands to bind his wrists together. How did it get to be like this[,]*?* he thought to himself.

The werewolves took Corvan to the station and hurled him into a holding cell among the last humans in the city. [summary here. ok, but I'd put it at thend of a scene ... or say they were GOING to take him to the station]
[paragraph]

It wasn’t always this way; once there was a time Senator Corvan Joles was the country’s top advocate for eradication of the werewolves. Now, [the] werewolves sought retribution for the sins of humanity.
Corvan wasn’t surprised to see that none of the humans in the holding cell recognized him. He was in another dimension[;]*:* one in which the werewolves [presided]*ruled*. Humans were the minority, and now they were the ones being eradicated.

[Minor nit-pick: the dimensions we're most familiar with are x, y, z, and time. Another dimension would be a way of moving through our universe, or between universes, or (in physics) a way of generating forces. I think the term you're looking for is "parallel universe."]


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Jaina
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Interesting start. At first, I was a bit confused because I thought that the police used werewolves kind of like they use dogs now, and then I thought that only the police force were werewolves, and it took me a long time to realize that werewolves were running the whole show, and that humans were being persecuted.

Also, that bit about being in another dimension threw me. Was he formerly in a different dimension, and only recently came to this one? How did he manage to switch? Or is this figurative language?

One little formatting thing: "How did it get to be like this" should be in italics to denote thought.

Otherwise, it's got potential.


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HSO
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CK, if you aren't finishing stories, try these two things:

1. Write the ending first. Then, it's usually fairly easy to get to the end.

2. Don't post unfinished stories for feedback here. Any criticism is going to put you into flux -- make the story feel less important to you... probably.

Finishing your stories is important. Then, you can address everything that's wrong with them on the rewrites after you've finished it.

All right? No more fragments from you until you've got a complete story ready for a full crit. Promise us... go on... make the promise.


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DatBum65
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Hi CK,
May I suggest an outline? Finish the opening, then work on the outline. Or as HSO suggested, finish the ending first, then work backwards in outline form. It helps work out all the frustration of not finishing...

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cklabyrinth
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I've got this story finished if anyone would like to read it. It's ~1000 words..
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DatBum65
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I'll read it, but I may not get the crit back until Sunday evening...busy, busy, busy.
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Beth
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congratulations on finishing!

I can read it this weekend, if you want. I am a little swamped now.


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