Reading this intro, I can't help but feel there are some troubling contradictions. Perhaps it's a tense or time issue. Allow me to explain.

The first apparent contradiction occurs in the first two sentences. You write that Jacob suffered, yet he is comatose, lacking consciousness. So, I asked myself how this could be? If one isn't aware of their surroundings, then would they suffer?

If the story read: "Jacob had suffered. Presently, he lay comatose..." Well, this one clear things up immediately in my opinion. I would have a clear sense of time and that something had happened to cause him to suffer.

But the trouble here is that doing that might take away your intent. So what to do to resolve this?

I believe you need to be clearer about WHEN Jacob suffers -- which can only be during moments of consciousness (perhaps phase two).

Then end of the paragraph you start to resolve the contradictions... and if Jacob is presently moving into phase two, then the preceding information is sort of info-dumpish. Again, what to do? How to balance this?

Consider starting with phase two immediately, with Jacob realizing he had just left phase one somehow.

The writing is good, though, save for one very small nitpick:

quote:

---

The sense of profound solitude, disturbing in its strength, punished him until his awareness was reactivated, at random intervals, to rip him apart with intense grief and regret.

---

This is a bit awkward, the part of I've put in bold. Consider dumping the commas and just let it fly. It will read smoother -- less jagged.

Best of luck with this tale. It sounds vaguely familiar... the screenplay / movie of Philip K. Dick's "Minority Report" comes to mind (the actual short story is completely different). This isn't a bad thing, this familiarity, it's just something to note.

This sounds like a very neat idea but I'm finding that this opening may not have done justice to the underlying idea. (Although I did at least seem to understand where you were going, which is a plus.)

"Jacob Wade suffered."

First of all. This sentence is meaningless. You go on to describe how he suffered throughout the entire paragraph and meanwhile this just kind of what...eh. I was saying, "So what?" to myself as I read it.

"He lay comatose in his cell, stripped of power, and all of his thoughts were forcibly repressed, like anesthesia."

This sentence is a bit off. You have an inconcistent style within a comma-separated list. Why did you all of a sudden throw a verb in instead of saing, "...and alll of his thoughts forcibly repressed...." That's just a inor structure problem. The last two words of this sentence are what really threw m. You compare his condition to anesthesia. Well, I've been under full anesthesia once before and it didn't make me suffer in the least. In fact, the point was that I didn't feel a thing while they cut into my gums and removed the badly misloadged wisdom teeth. So when you tell me that all of what you described was like anesthesia it does two things: First, I don't believe it because I don't think he's suffering and two I figure he's just unconsciouss.

" Judged guilty and sentenced, his consciousness was revoked."

This I found quite interesting. This is where you hooked me, as a matter of fact, and I wouldn't have minded seeing this information (not this exact sentence, if the very first sentence.)

" The harshest penalties permitted by the Laws were leveled against him, and the pain he endured was pure, flawless, and entirely righteous."

First, you used passive voice in the first part of this sentence. the punishments were leveled against him....BY WHOM? Who leveled these punishments? It doesn't have to be specific...The judge, the jury, society, the law?

Next, you have him enduring pain. Once again, he wouldn't if he were under anesthesia. But let's assume you didn't really mean tht. I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by pure, flawless, and entirely righteouss. It seems you may be insinuating that he was guilty and so this was all right to have done, but the same terms are often used for someone about to become a martyr for a cause. Not knowing a thing about what he may have done to end up in jail, I'm not sure which usage you mean here.

" His punishment was worse than death."

Show me. I suggest cutting this sentence altogether and simply describing the punishment. Let me decide if it's worse than death.

"He was in phase one: isolation. The sense of profound solitude, disturbing in its strength, punished him until his awareness was reactivated, at random intervals, to rip him apart with intense grief and regret. One of those intervals arrived just now, and phase two began again. The torture was extreme."

Huh? I think you're getting at something kind of neat here but all I can think is huh? First of all, if he is unconsciouss then he is not thinking or feeling anything. We're back to the "like anesthesia" bit. You can't feel loneliness unless you're consciouss. I'm afraid what you're showing me doesn't sound very bad at all. It sounds like they just turned him off to get him out of the way and every so often they bring him back around. I can't figure out why they would do it that way since the times of blankness would have no effect on him whatsoever. I'm also not clear on what phase two is.

******************

All that said, it really does sound like you're getting at something neat here. Torture always makes for good horror and isolation, if you can describe it a little better, is a heck of a horror for people. Good luck!

In terms of workability, your rewrite is far better. You showed the torment, gave some indication of who he was, hinted at specifically what the punishment was, and gave the promise that we would learn the why.

That being said, I couldn't help feeling like you'd lost some of the passion from the previous draft. I don't think you should sacrifice any of the strengths I mentioned above, but I wish more of that passion had remained. Due to the personal nature of that statement, I can't think of any helpful suggestions, nor do I want to give the impression that I would not read on because of this, because I would. I guess I'm just trying to eat the cake, too.

For whatever all that was worth,

Shackles bit into Jacob Wade's wrists and ankles, and the steel chains that secured him to the cell's floor remained sturdy as he struggled to break them. [WHY IS HE STRUGGLING? I WOULDN'T, EVEN IF I KNEW THE TORTURE WAS COMING, BECAUSE IT ONLY MAKES THE SHACKLES BITE IN] His atrophied muscles exhausted fast [and forced him to end his escape attempt]. In [total] darkness, he collapsed to his knees, cursing the Judges who had stripped him of his power and had rendered him human. [PARAGRAPH.] He saw a thin, red strip of light cutting through the darkness in front of him, and he stood and grit his teeth. In terror, he retreated to the limits of the chains. The red light carved out a rectangle in the darkness, and he knew it was time--again. He yanked at the chains, eyes wide, as a door-sized section within the red outline moved inward with a stone-on-stone grinding sound. He heard their voices behind it[, and dread beat in his heart]. He attempted an incantation, but he could not form the words without a tongue. The Laws were strict, [I DON'T SEE THE RELEVANCE. IS HE BANNED FROM SAYING SPELLS? BUT HE HAS NO TONGUE -- AND WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO THAT THEY AREN'T ALREADY DOING?] and still he mumbled on, hoping to avoid the torture. [IT WON'T WORK WITHOUT A TONGUE, WILL IT? I THINK AFTER SUCH HORRIFIC TREATMENT HE'D BE A VICTIM OF "LEARNED HELPLESSNESS."]

I disagree with wbriggs about struggling, though. People struggle against things even when they know that it won't do them any good (and sometimes harms them). It's human nature.

Why did he stand up when they came in, though? If he was so weak and exhausted that, moments earlier, he could no longer struggle against his chains, why does he now suddenly have strength enough to haul himself to his feet?

"The Laws were strict, and still he mumbled..." I think it would make more sense to say "...strict, yet still..." (or substitute "but" for "yet").

Overall, though, I think this second version is much, much better. If you'd like, I'll read the whole thing, but my computer has been mean to me lately, so I might be a little slow getting back to you.

Agree with J. about struggling and with W. about putting in the paragraph break. White space is your friend!

Have you revised the whole thing? Or just the opening? I'm willing to read if the whole thing has been reworked to go along with this opening.

Jacob will eventually get to a state of defeat where he will not try anymore. The question is, has he reached that point yet and if not, why not?

If he has been under torture for only a short period of time, then it's entirely possible he would continue to struggle and vainly attempt to call a spell. If he has been tortured for a long time then it's more likely he will give up. He might not abandon hope but he might stop the physical struggle to wait for a more productive attempt at escape.

You have to understand Jacob's character well enough to know what his breaking point is. Everyone's is different and you have to know his so that you can decide whether or not he has reached it.

Will had a good point about the shackles biting in further by Jacob's struggling. Is Jacob the type of character who, at this point, would avoid all unnecessary pain since he is already forced to endure the torture? Or is that pain preferable because it holds the hope of escape?

Jaina's point about Jacob standing is also valid. If his muscles are truly atrophied then standing would not be possible. Crawling might be.

I liked it much better. I thought it had *more* passion and I had no problem with the idea of Jacob struggling against his imprisonment when the worst of his torture is about to come. People are weird animals. We do those sorts of things.

I noticed the lack of paragraph breaks in the first version but didn't mention it in light of the other problems. In the second version, it was the biggest problem I saw off the bat. Sometimes you can just break the paragraph even if the subject hasn't changed a whole heck of a lot. In fiction, shorter paragraphs and shorter sentences can be used strategically to move action along.

When I judge a passage, I read it outloud. My problem with yours is that it didn't flow at all. My favorite sentance from the fragment is "His atrophied muscles exhausted fast and forced him to end his escape attempt." The reasons for this is because it is a single well defined thought/action which manages to smoothly convey a lot of information. Also, unlike practically every other sentance in the paragraph, it doesn't have tons of commas.

Commas (and punctuation in general) can break the flow of a sentance and fundamentally change its rhythm. Most of your sentances don't manage to gain rhythm because they are interrupted too soon. Separate them into two sentances or reorganize the thoughts so that they are more cohesive.

For example:

quote:

---

Shackles bit into Jacob Wade's wrists and ankles, and the steel chains that secured him to the cell's floor remained sturdy as he struggled to break them. His atrophied muscles exhausted fast and forced him to end his escape attempt. In total darkness he collapsed to his knees, cursing the Judges who had stripped him of his power and rendered him human. He saw a thin red strip of light cutting through the darkness in front of him, and he stood and grit his teeth. In terror he retreated to the limits of the chains. The red light carved out a rectangle in the darkness and he knew it was time--again. He yanked at the chains, eyes wide, as a door-sized section within the red outline moved inward with a stone-on-stone grinding sound. He heard their voices behind it, and dread beat in his heart. He attempted an incantation, but he could not form the words without a tongue. The Laws were strict, but still he mumbled on, hoping to avoid the torture.

---

I changed around one or two words (nothing big) but I stripped out a bunch of commas. Also, many of your sentances have the form, "setting setting, word word word word word, simulaneous occurance/note." While this can work, more sentance variety is a good thing.

Your feedback is much appreciated and well said. Thank you very much for spending the time to read and critique.

I have addressed many of the problems mentioned. I have not yet rewritten the entire story. Time is taken by work, wife, trying to stay healthy. I will try to have the entire story rewritten by next weekend. I did manage, though, to get the first two paragraphs done.

Jacob Wade knew the chains would not break. He tried anyway. The links went taut. Shackles bit to bone. Blood filled his face. He wrenched the floor-mounted u-bolt. It held. His wrists were raw. They stung. The chains didn't budge. His teeth might shatter; his right eye could rupture. Screaming, he dug in and yanked harder. Nothing. The chains denied freedom. His atrophied muscles tired fast and forced him to end his escape attempt. He was skeletal thin. He heaved. In darkness, he cursed the Judges. They erased his power. They rendered him human.

How many sentences start with "he", "the", or some other article or noun, proper or otherwise? Here, let me show this another way. I'm going to list the first word of each of your sentences, because I believe you should mix up how sentences start. Let's do it:

Jacob He The Shackles Blood He It His They he His Screaming Nothing The His He He In Darkness They They A He He The Time He He He A Stone-on-stone He He He The But He

***

See my point? We'd like some prepositional phrases... whatever. But every sentence starts the same way, one after another, and they are all typically 2-5 words long. Consider rethinking this intro.

quote:

---

Commas (and punctuation in general) can break the flow of a sentance and fundamentally change its rhythm.

---

No offense, Ead, but this comment--as written--is terrible advice. Still, I don't think you meant it to come off this way. Read on, please.

Firstly, punctuation is bloody well necessary, and it should be mostly invisible when used properly.

Secondly, misplaced punctuation stands out like a naked man in church -- no one wants to see that.

Thirdly, if you just added to your comment the following, all would be solved: "Improperly placed commas..."

Right. 'nuff said. Sorry, Ead. I like punctuation. Them's fighting words you used round these parts.

Let me illustrate:

This is a long sentence because I wish to illustrate the point that long sentences are a bit slower, but they can be smoothly written in a such a way that they guide readers through their content and show their importance by their very length. Short sentences work through contrast.

You see? You just finished reading a long sentence and then all of a sudden you have a five-word sentence that you bounce right through. This speeds up the pace for that sentence. It is the contrast that creates the most punch. In fact, varied sentenc elengths are of key importance in fiction. (Or in any kinf of writing, IMO.) They keep the reader from being bored, the writing from becomming stagnant, the action from grinding to a halt, or (as in the above example) making the narrator sound like a drugged bunny rabbit.

I will smooth it out over time...It's already being taken care of... There's no fault here.

Jacob Wade knew he could never break the chains, but he tried anyway. The links went taut, and the shackles on his writs bit to bone. Blood filled his face, ears ringing from the strain. The floor-mounted u-bolt holding him prisoner easily withstood the small amount force he applied to it. His wrists were raw and stung, and the chains were unyielding. His right eye threatened to rupture under the pressure, and his teeth ground out a warning that they could shatter at any second. Screaming and grunting, he dug in and yanked harder. The chains denied his feeble attempt as they had done for years. His atrophied muscles tired and forced him to end this exercise of willpower. It kept his mind strong. He heaved and breathed in gulps of foul air. In darkness, he cursed the Judges who had erased his power and rendered him human.

A red dot of light, the size of a cigar end, cut through the darkness. He grit his teeth and stood his ground. The fuse-like glow carved out a rectangle, unzipping it from the wall. Time was here. They were going to try to break him again. He spit into his palms and rubbed them together, then cracked his knuckles. He prepared his will, needing every bit of it. A door-sized section within the red outline grumbled toward Jacob, stone rumbling on stone and voices behind the door growing louder. He mumbled and attempted an incantation, but he could not form the words. The Judge-ordered glossectomy prevented him from doing magic. But still he mumbled. He was learning.

For instance, rewriting just one sentence in the first paragraph would do wonders, such as this one:

quote:

---

The floor-mounted u-bolt holding him prisoner easily withstood the small amount force he applied to it.

---

Let's make this more active and more interesting (opinion):

Applying a small amount of force to u-bolts holding him prisoner, Johan realized they easily withstood his efforts.

You know? The above examle is rough, but I hope it gets the point across. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just offering an opinion that I think will make this piece far more interesting. And varying sentences will do that.

Yes, punctuation is necessary and, if you read my writing, you'll see that I use many commas. My point was that he was using too many of them and improperly. The third one did have too many short sentances and not enough variety.

I like the fourth one. It has good flow with good variety of sentances. I might add an explanation of "Glossectomy" such as:

"The Judge-ordered glossectomy prevented him from doing magic. But still he mumbled around his missing tounge."

quote:

---

His wrists were raw and stung

---

If you take out raw, you can see that it is saying that his wrists were stung (by bees?). Unless that is what you meant, it should be "raw and stinging" or "raw and they stung".

Otherwise, it looks good!