posted
Looking for general comments on this opening. Is anything awkward? Would you keep reading? It is Sci-Fi, 408 words total.
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The sound of water tumbling over dishes in the sink was the only source of lazy music in the dacha. And so, Pavel enjoyed his last cigarette as he stared at his wife scrubbing over the sink. Technically, nothing physical in the room was actually his. Not the cigarettes, not the clumsy chair beneath him, certainly not the wife, and most notably not the body. His true name was Kospot; just a moment ago he successfully displaced Pavel’s consciousness and saturated the remaining corpse with his own will.
The cigarette fell from his mouth.
Kospot knew not what became of the victim’s soul during these brief encounters, but he suspected the experience was quite unpleasant, and he skillfully squelched his pangs of guilt. ___________________________________________
posted
The concept reminds me of Doro from Wild Seed by Octavia Butler. Haven't read the book yet -- my local library can't seem to find it so I'll probably have to buy it. Dang it!
Anyway, that's how Doro achieves immortality in Wild Seed. His consciousness takes over other people's bodies. At least, from what I can gather... haven't read the book yet.
quote:The sound of water tumbling over dishes in the sink was the only source of lazy music in the dacha. And so, Pavel enjoyed his last cigarette as he stared at his wife scrubbing over the sink. Technically, nothing physical in the room was actually his. Not the cigarettes, not the clumsy chair beneath him, certainly not the wife, and most notably not the body. His true name was Kospot; just a moment ago he successfully displaced Pavel’s consciousness and saturated the remaining corpse with his own will.
The cigarette fell from his mouth.
Kospot knew not what became of the victim’s soul during these brief encounters, but he suspected the experience was quite unpleasant, and he skillfully squelched his pangs of guilt.
It's a nice start, but the order of the presentation doesn't really work for me. It's hard to explain, so I'm going to take the liberty of just showing, instead:
quote:The cigarette fell from Pavel’s mouth. A moment ago he had been enjoying the sound of water tumbling over dishes in the sink, a lazy music that filled his dacha. Well, not his, not anymore. It was all Kospot’s now. Technically, nothing physical in the room was Pavel’s any more. Not the cigarettes, not the clumsy chair beneath him, certainly not the wife, and most notably not the body.
Just a moment ago Kospot had displaced Pavel’s consciousness and saturated the remaining corpse with his own will. He didn’t know what became of the victim’s soul during these brief encounters, but he suspected the experience was quite unpleasant.
For the most part, all I did was move things around and shorten a few sentences.
mm
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited March 31, 2005).]
posted
It may be that you're conflating Kospot's POV with that of Pavel, which is rather confusing and diminishes the central conflict of the story right off the bat. For a story only 408 words long, you're not using them very effectively to highlight the central idea.
The modification suggested by mm has merit, but consider putting in a clear break between Pavel and Kospot, like so:
"Pavel enjoyed his last cigarette as he stared at his wife scrubbing over the sink. But something seemed to be missing. He felt detatched, like he was falling away from himself into a deep abyss....
And then it was over. Kospot didn't really know what happened to Pavel now, any more than he knew what happened to any of the souls he displaced...."
Or you could just go with Kospot's POV throughout. That's what I would have done. Then you can make it very clear from the outset how much (if any) of Pavel's personality and mind is going to survive, without ever making seem that they are the same person.
Doro isn't what jumped to my mind, since Doro doesn't know anything about the person he displaces other than what he can observe from looking at his surroundings. A couple of Star Trek villians did something like this, but in both cases the host was still present, though submerged. Goauld from Stargate SG-1, Puppetmasters, and the like don't really fit either. There is the old forced transmigration of the soul trick which is usually (for reasons I don't fully understand) associated with vampires. And there's Orochimaru...he's crazy evil about it.
posted
Actually, I also thought of Wild Seed right away too (a great book). I also thought of some of those other villains too, but this has a very similar effect to Wild Seed (for me at least). This is not a bad thing (yet), but I would hope to see some uniqueness from those other characters pretty soon after this opening paragraph, or I might begin to be turned off.
However, it is a bit confusing as to when the displacement took place. Did it take place right after the second sentence when it says Pavel enjoyed his last cigarette, or was he already displaced at the beginning of the story?
I would however continue read. I think you set a nice atmosphere to continue the story on.
posted
Keeley, thanks for offering to read the rest of it, I'll send it on.
I've not read Wild Seed, so I don't know how similar this story is... It turns out that Kospot is a two dimensional being that has taken a drug that allows him to spend a brief moment in the third dimension. Is Wild Seed anything like this?
Survivor, actaully, the conflict between Kospot and Pavel is not central to the story. The transmigration of their souls is sudden and instant. The way you've described it is too slow for my story... I don't want Pavel to have any idea what's happening to him.
SkorPiun, the displacement takes place after the second sentence. I know it's a bit confusing, but I would hope the reader would continue past the first 13 lines.
mikemunsil, I like what you've done, but the rhythm is not my own. With your arrangement I give up some of the bizzare suddeness of the displacement. Furthermore, "It was all Kospot's now," no, this is not the idea I'm going for. Kospot is not there to stay, he is only visiting the body for a fraction of a second.
posted
Speaking of transmigration -- and totally off topic, sorry -- has anyone here played "Disgaea: Hour of Darkness" on the PS2? Great strategy RPG. Funny, too. The game's main theme is transmigration. That's why I brought that up.
posted
If the transition is instant, then don't involve Pavel's POV at all. Doing that implies that there is a period of time during which Kospot and Pavel are conmingled. There really isn't much other point.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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If Kospot is only there for a fraction of a second, then what happens to Pavel?
And if he really is only there for that brief period, then does it really make sense to have that much awareness of the room available to him?
I get your point about wanting the rhthym of the writing assist in getting the sense of displacement across, but I think that might be really difficult to do. That doesn't mean you cannot do a good job of it, of course.
posted
I think I see what you are trying to do by starting just before the displacement. However, I didn’t get that the displacement took place between the second and third sentences until after I had finished and then reread the whole thing. Armed with the extra knowledge about Pavel and Kospot I was able to catch the reference to “his” last cigarette and “his” wife, followed by a line that said nothing was his at all. Had I been reading the full story, I probably would have continued reading assuming that I must have just misunderstood the first few sentences. I appreciate what you are trying to do there, but you might want to work on the opening sentences a bit.
But yes, as I said before I would have continued past the first 13 lines. And reading what your plans are, he seems like an interesting character, and I would not been disappointed. :o)
In fact if you want extra readers, I would not mind reading the full story.
[This message has been edited by SkorPiun (edited April 01, 2005).]
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