posted
Hi everyone, Thanks for all of your good input. I've revised the fragment to try to include a lot of your comments, questions, and to eliminate some problems that I found. In doing so, I've had to completely rethink the entire storyline. But it is for the best. Anyways, please have a read....
Jacob Wade knew that his efforts to snap the chains were futile, but he refused to submit. All of his muscles contracted as he pulled on the restraints, and the links went taut, shackles on his wrists biting to bone. Blood filled his head, and his ears rang. Trying to break free was a vital struggle for him. It preserved sanity itself.
A floor-mounted u-bolt easily resisted the weak force he managed to rally. His wrists were raw and stinging from his previous bouts with the bonds, but he ignored the agony. Pressure in his head threatened to blow out an eye, and his teeth ground out a warning that they could shatter at any second. Snarling and grunting, he dug in deep and heaved harder--right to the brink of a hernia.
Atrophied muscles tired fast and forced him to end the game for now. The chains denied him freedom again, just as he knew they would. But his mind was energized, his will strong. And that was his purpose. Keeping lucid was prime; everything was at stake. He went through this drill several times a day to prevent his spirit from weakening.
posted
This intro was too much, in my opinion. The second paragraph really just repeats the first.
"Atrophied muscles" - Isn't he doing this several times a day? Why would they be atrophied? Can't he do sit ups or something? I think you need to provide more information on just how Jacob is chained. How long are the chains? Is he sitting or standing? You give alot of description on what he's trying to do yet we don't know much about where he is, and for me, the descriptions didn't do as much because of that.
"The chains denied him freedom again, just as he knew they would." This sentence is redundant. You already said this in the first sentence. In fact, there are alot of redundancies all over.
I think long descriptions are fine, but try to include more new information at the same time.
[This message has been edited by RetinoBlastoma (edited April 02, 2005).]
posted
I imagine that the atrophy could be attributed to a lack of nourishment, rather than activity. Doesn't matter how many sit-ups you do if you haven't got an ample supply of food or water. That isn't mentioned, of course, but given the scenario, I can clearly imagine it to be the case. I agree that it's a bit redundant, but at the same time, I think it works. I liked it quite a lot, actually. Very vivid. It's amazing what a few revisions will do. This is night and day compared to the original one you posted.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Hmmm, but "atrophied" would still be the wrong word in that case.
Overall, it would help if we knew why he's doing this. I mean, is he just too dumb to think of anything else or is this display of inane resistance actually accomplishing anything other than draining his strength and worsening his wounds?
posted
Well, I've been mulling over this fragment for a day or so. I hadn't planned on critiquing it because I nosed about the first version of this. I am nevertheless here due to knowing more detail of the story than what is given in this fragment.
Here's my thoughts (finally): Consider starting this story earlier in time and in someone else's POV. This will setup Jacob's prior punishment nicely -- we'll know the hows and whys of his punishment because it will be relevant to those who are punishing him. You can then show Jacob being taken from isolation and "no-consciousness" to the holding cell and being chained up and stuff. In fact, the fragment here can be shown entirely from someone else's POV, providing they have the means to watch him... which they would likely have.
The start needn't be long. Just enough to setup the tale properly. Then, you won't need to rely on Jacob to outline the nature of his punishment. When you do get back to him, you can cover his desire to escape, etc.
posted
Hi. It's good, but here's a few of my points:
"Trying to break free was a vital struggle for him. It preserved sanity itself."
This makes it sound as though he's some kind of escape artist. It might be hard for people to pick up on this because we've read the other versions. But if I read it for the first time, i'd have thought he gets himself into lots of sticky situations and see's it as a challenge to escape, rather than him being chained up this once & never been able to get free.
"All of his muscles contracted as he pulled on the restraints, and the links went taut, shackles on his wrists biting to bone."
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