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Author Topic: In the time of the Dragon - Newbie seeking help
Stephen Wolfe
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Okay, I've had this idea for a book in my head for over a year now, and just recently have I managed to get around to outlining it and typing it up. I have about 7 pages written so far, and until my finals are over that's about all I'm going to be able to write for a while.

I'm looking for someone who would be willing to read these 7 pages and give me feedback on it. Besides critiquing the story itself, I'd like help on the writing style, the direction of the story, and anything else that you can find.

A lil' about the story:
"In the time of the Dragon" is a working title, I might just end up calling it "Dragon".
It's not fantasy.
It's a look at the life on an american buisness man named Ozzie Smith after he has passed away. The story will take a look at his life through non-linear flashbacks; From his life changing trips to Japan, to his many conflicts with his "classic" american family at home.

If anyone's interested, please tell me.

EDIT: I just read about the 13 lines, so here they are:

It was a day when young flowers awoke from their slumber to open their petals for then sun, baby birds excitedly broke free of their shells, already begging for nourishment from their awaiting mother, parents were out in the park with their babies happily chatting and pushing pink and blue strollers down the bustling street, unaware of dangers, as life at the moment was too sweet to waste a single drop of it on the thought that things could ever come to an end. Mailmen delivered letters of happiness and glee, a relative writing from the islands, a son nearing the end of his tenure at college, or a wife, informing her husband that her business trip ended early, and she’ll be home just in time for the daughter’s birthday. On the fifth floor of St. Helen’s City Hospital, in a small room with a single window overlooking the city’s great park, which was more alive that ever with the cries of children playing, and the soft ringing of bike bells as they sped down the dirt paths. Standing at this window was a little boy, whose attention was not directed at the scenes outside, but rather at the two little toys that he held in his hand; on of a knight, in silver armor, and the other of a great green dragon, with a small ball of flames protruding from its mouth.

[This message has been edited by Stephen Wolfe (edited May 07, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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Suggested [deletions] in brackets, ADDITIONS in all caps.

Overall: I started to gripe (sentence #1), something like, jeez, ok, so you can write poetically, but what's going to happen? Then you zoomed in, and I thought, good: this mailman's actually going to be in the story, and the relative, son, wife, etc. (If this is not true, I'm going to be disappointed.) I wasn't as interested in the little boy, but then you just got to him. I'm a little distrusting because I'm not sure all that stuff at the beginning was relevant, but I'm hopeful this boy with his playthings will interest me.

Another comment: building a story out of flashbacks is certainly legitimate -- the movie Mishima was nothing but -- but you sure didn't pick the easiest format to start out with! Good luck!

--
It was a day when young flowers awoke from their slumber to open their petals for the[n] sun, baby birds excitedly broke free of their shells, already begging for nourishment from their awaiting motherS, parents [were out in the park with their babies happily chatting and pushing] PUSHED pink and blue strollers down the bustling street, unaware of dangers, as IF life at the moment [was] WERE too sweet to waste a single drop of it on the thought that things could ever come to an end. Mailmen delivered letters of happiness and glee, a relative writing from the islands, a son nearing the end of his tenure at college, or a wife, informing her husband that her business trip ended early, and she’ll be home just in time for the daughter’s birthday. [PARAGRAPH]
On the fifth floor of St. Helen’s City Hospital, in a small room with a single window overlooking the city’s great park, [which was more alive that ever with the cries of children playing, and the soft ringing of bike bells as they sped down the dirt paths. Standing at this window] was a little boy, whose attention was [not] directed at [the scenes outside, but rather at the] two little toys that he held in his hand; on of a knight, in silver armor, and the other of a great green dragon, with a small ball of flames protruding from its mouth.


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Stephen Wolfe
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Hey, thanks.
Yeah, I was worried that the opening was going to seem like a real mouthful. I based in on both the opening to Silas Marner, and the begining of a chapter in Invisible Man.

I wanted to contrast the happiness outside, and the sorrow inside the hospital room (the father just died), and also contrast nature and machinery (inside the hospital room).

This is the prologue to the story, and these first 13 lines are just setting the scene for what's going on in the hospital.


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Jeraliey
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Maybe if you mentioned the sadness inside first, to draw us into the plot. That way, it won't seem like you're just hunky-dorying it up to start us off. Instead, it'll be obvious that you intend the descriptions as contrast, and they could be much more effective.
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Survivor
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Don't strain yourself by trying to be "poetic", it rarely works and it usually hurts your actual meaning in the bargain. Now, let's begin at the beginning, shall we?

It was a day...Okay, what was a day? I mean, we can guess that "it" is a day, since you say that much, but you don't get around to mentioning why this day was important, you just tell us a bunch of stuff about it.

petals for then sun, I suspect that this is a simple typo, but I can't be sure.

baby...shells, already...mother, parents...babies happily chatting and pushing...street, unaware of dangers, as...end. Oh, the end, the end the end, thank heaven above! There is usually a problem or two with a sentance that long. In this case, there are more than two. There are various sorts. I had a plausibility issue with baby birds breaking out of their shells "excitedly", I've never seen them do that outside of a cartoon. But for the most part your meaning is simply getting lost in the syntax errors. Some were obvious, some less so.

Mailmen...birthday. wbriggs is already disappointed, but he's also going to be disappointed later because nothing in this sentance has anything to do with the story. Mostly, it's just another exercise in confusing the reader.

On the fifth floor...dirt paths. Okay, this time you've managed to really get my goat. This is not a sentance! Self-referential in joke not intended. You lost track of the syntax so badly that you terminate the sentance before mentioning the subject, object, or even the verb!

Standing...on of a knight[,] in...armor, and...dragon[,] with...flames...mouth. Okay, I'm all for phonetic commas, I've said as much. But putting a dramatic pause in between "knight" and "in armor" is a bit much. Worse, since you repeat the construction exactly with "dragon" and "with flames", I'm led to wonder whether it's supposed to be a dramatic pause or some special new grammer you'll use for the rest of the book.

But don't panic. Your normal writing--the part before the story text--was fine. I think I spotted one or two extra commas, but it wasn't difficult to grasp both what you intended to say and what you were actually writing. And there wasn't a large gap between the two, either.

So I feel no compunction about telling you to just write like yourself. That's my style advice for today, and as much as it applies generally, I'm giving it to you specifically.


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Stephen Wolfe
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Thanks, everyone.
I'm going to try and make all these revisions next weekend. In the meantime, am I allowed to post another 13 lines if there's a section that I feel could use some help with, and if so, should I do that as a new topic?

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Beth
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Yes, and yes.
You'll also learn a lot by commenting on other people's stories.

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Stephen Wolfe
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I know, I'm getting to that.
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Phanto
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Less adjectives. If you can't control yourself, try using a limit: two adjectives per paragraph, or something like that.

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited May 09, 2005).]


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