posted
I'm trying to write a book at the moment. Here are the first 10 lines (13 on my Word processor):
Michael stirred in his sleep, which was not hard to do, because his night had been fairly uneasy as a whole. He was covered in his mother’s old wool cover, which itched unceasingly, and it was fairly cold in the small wood room which he shared with his brother. He was on the upper bunk in the corner of the room. His nose nearly brushed the rafters as he turned over to get up. He had to edge sideways to avoid smacking his head on the low ceiling. His family was not what most people would call “wealthy”. They were very modest, and very proud of what they had. Michael, his brother, and his two parents had traveled to Aregont when he was only an infant, and Blaise nearly four. They had only what they carried on their backs, and half of it was Michael. His mother died shortly after they had settled on the outskirts of the City, right after his father had a piece of land to bury her on. According to his father, it was “much better than where we lived before.” He would not tell them where that was, and they were too young to remember where they were born. All they had now was a meager cottage on the edge of the ever-growing City. Soon all they would have would be a shack in a dank alley, somewhere in the depths of the streets.
posted
You have a good rhythm to your language, but I found myself glossing over it after the first two sentences. I think this information should be included after we've been drawn into the plot, not as an introduction to the story. You do suggest that SOMETHING is going on, but it just isn't enough to hold me to the story quite yet.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
|
posted
Too many uses of "was" by far. This much passive voice may be a clue that there is simply not enough action going on here to be interesting. If this scene is critical to the story, try rewording to active tense and getting rid of those "wases."
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
|
posted
It's not passive voice, but it's static description, all right.
You open by telling us that it was not hard for Michael to stir in his sleep; you end that paragraph describing how careful he has to be to avoid banging his head, which seems inconsistant.
And then the second paragraph is summary, which is absolutely deadly in an opening.
wbriggs is usually right when he asks what your story is about, and suggests starting there.
posted
Thanks a lot. I had thought that the opening was doing great, but your points are excellent. You're right, a summary of an opening is deadly to a story. I'll liven it up a bit.
|
posted
POV and plausibility. You do have a sentence in passive, but passive voice isn't something I pay any attention to unless it's actually a problem. There are worse evils in the world of usages (some of which are present in your text, if it comes to that).
POV will be covered. Plausibility...it always has to be handled case by case, doesn't it? In this case, make Michael and his family tenents of some kind rather than just saying that they aren't wealthy. You don't have to do that in the opening, just research tenent arrangements in societies similar to your milieu to get pointers on the plausibility issues.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
