posted
"True, Michael had never liked his father much, but his feelings toward him had never been completely apathetic"
"small puddles of blood splattering on the floor"
"cradle it in his lap"
"their sound polluting the room"
"Michael could have sworn it was the Devil’s own tongue"
The first sentance ruins the whole flow, I suddenly felt I was readinng a sick parody of a horror movie, which, as far as I can tell, is not what you're aiming at.
The rest of the lines that I quoted are just very cliche, and should be gotten rid of immediately.
As far as the plot goes: Michael is at home. Intruder appears out of no where to stab dad in head. Michael watches. Intruder speaks strange language. Michael watches some more. Oh yeah, and Michael doesn't like father very much.
If this is to be the beging of a story, it needs alot more added to it. Besides calling the antagonist "the intruder" we have no way of knowing that he broke in. How did he break in? Why the hell Michael is ust standing there and watching?
Never, never, never, never judge the value of your piece based upon the opinion of one person. Give it some time, let others take a look. Let others give you some CONSTRUCTIVE and SUPPORTIVE criticism, because that's the WAY WE DO IT HERE AT HATRACK!
posted
This is from the woman that just said I sounded "purty"
Okay, it's true that the lines SW quoted don't really seem like terrible cliches that should never again see print. And I'm not in a position to judge, because you've removed your text. That is your right, of course. Apparently you now feel that your text was so terrible that you should apologize for its very existence.
Which really is too bad. You can't be a writer unless you're willing to let your writing be seen, even when you know that there are many people who hate everything about it. It is a terrible waste to let fear of censure rule your pen. Your own good judgement should be enough to guide you. We're just here to help you listen to it.
posted
No, really, it was really vile, and I hadn't thought of using a hook that wasn't in one of the two extremes.
This hook was so extreme that it would make the reader want to stop reading right away.
So it was really not worth it making this submission. I made those thirteen lines in about 5-10 minutes, and hadn't put much thought into the way the reader would see it. It's my weakness, though. I can't see smaller than the big picture.
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