posted
Blood slowly trickled from the abrasion on Garsha’s elbow as he sat in the tall meadow grass and sobbed. He noticed his father handing the ball to his elder brother Mikel and then walking over to him. Garsha pulled in his knees and tucked his head between them. “I hate these stupid games you make me play,” Garsha said. “Should I just leave you to your terminal then,” his father asked. “Never include you in anything?” Garsha wasn’t sure how to answer back. His father was hard to debate with, and Garsha knew most of these kinds of questions were merely a trap so that he could preach another lesson to his kids. “You’re never this hard on them,” Garsha said. Why do you always make it easy on those two and play so mean with me?” “So you want me to go easy on you then? It was your play Garsha, you made the call.” “Only because you made me call a play when you knew I was no good at this.” “Pride is a foolish thing,” he said to his son. “You learn nothing from life if you hide behind it.” Oh great, here comes the lecture. Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
What type of story is this? How long? What sort of help are you asking for: help with this beginning? volunteers for reading the entire story? any particular questions?
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
It’s sci-fi short fiction. This is the opening (1st draft). The protagonist is reflecting back on a lesson that he ultimately fails to learn as a young child despite his father’s even-handed attempt to teach him. I wanted to see if this is an effective hook. Would you keep reading and why? Or, would you not want to go on and why?
This piece is actually about the first exposure to combat that character has (Garsha). I am writing this as I am developing him for a much larger story. The funny thing is though that I’m going to kill him off in the larger story. It’s who he is that I’m trying to learn, so that I can understand the relationship he has with the daughters he leaves behind in the larger story.
In the bigger story he is a war hero, but I wanted to develop some fallibilities into his personal character to give it more depth. In doing so I started writing this account of his first action out of training. I figured he’d be prone to a lot of mistakes being a young, rookie solider.
As this story progresses, he will be thrust into a command role as he squad leader ends up KIA. He will make a poor choice that leads them to lose a couple of troops and he will refuse to acknowledge the mistake at first. Then he will remember the lesson his father was trying to teach him and adapt to the situation accordingly.
How does this work as a hook? How could it be improved?
posted
I think your characters are speaking in an unrealistically rational order, like debaters -- especially for a boy and his father. Also, much has probably been said before, so could be put into thoughts.
If Garsha is young enough, you could do variations on some stock phrases kids use, that don't challenge parents directly and don't leave the child (very) open to criticism. It isn't fair; I want to go home; my stomach hurts; Dad--!
And based on what I think I know of Dad, I think he'll twist everything with some pompous aphorism. It isn't fair? Life isn't fair, son. Don't you "Dad" me! And so on. Now, I'm not suggesting you replace your dialog with a bunch of unaltered cliches, but these cliches are cliches because they're common, and after all, I think your real goal here is to show the emotional dynamic. The apparent rational debate is a veneer anyway for the dispute that can't be spoken: Dad, you love my brothers more than you do me; Son, the reason I do that is that you're inferior. At least I think that's what's up.
You've got me sort of hooked here, because that dynamic is gripping to me.
To ramble a bit, I work with an organization where we expand on inner conflicts that may date back to childhood. Usually these boil down to some messages. We talk about making them "juicy," that is, something short that really stirs up the feeling (which is our goal in fiction, too!).
The surface message might be, "Son, I have a lot of work to do. I'm just too busy for this right now."
Underneath that, the message might be, "You aren't worth my time" or "I come first." Subtext.
Maybe the child has a surface message of, "Why won't you play with me?" with the underlying message of "Love me!" These messages might not even seem to connect in a rational way, because they're coming from people too wrapped up in what they want to listen. Like when people talk politics .
Anyway, that might help make some kick-ass dialog.
posted
So there is enough here to make you want to read on, but making the child’s dialogue a little more irrational would more than likely improve it.
I have to agree.
I understand what you mean when you are trying to steer me towards clichés, yet warning me against them; that makes sense to me. I think this means I need to make the child’s dialogue a little more realistic by incorporating (to a limited degree) speech that would be common to a child. At the same time I need to make it somewhat irrational and maybe even on the fringes of the conversation itself (as kids often do).
I’m not sure of his exact age in the scene. It’s somewhere around 8-10 years old. He has an older and younger brother and I planned on emphasizing that to give him a sort of isolated “middle child” feeling. I may change that if it does not work though.
…something short that really stirs up the feeling…
That is what is missing here. I’ll try a different approach, rewriting portions as exposition and only have them dialogue when it’s necessary. I might get a stronger scene out of it. I’ll repost after I’ve worked on this.
posted
You might make it a bit more clear that he's actually in the wrong here. Because I never assume that. Maybe that's why children love me (but probably it's the hair ).
Seriously, I don't assume the child is automatically wrong either in life or in fiction. I've simply had too much experience to the contrary. Humans are one of those things that don't really improve that much simply by getting older, it just becomes easier to see which ones are bad.
Looking at this from my own perspective, I thought you were making the father a bit too much of a $#!^head as a cheap ploy to get me to care about this not-particularly-believable kid. But apparently that wasn't your intent at all. All I can say is that I hope that you don't have charge of small children at this point in your life.
posted
Not at all. In fact, Garsha isn't "in the wrong" here. He's simply resisting his father's lesson. He's supposed to feel "picked on" by his father even though that is not the case. The father sees hidden potential in his middle child, but I did not want to hint at that to make it so apparent to the reader.
Hmm, kinda unsure how to proceed with this scene now. I'm not too sure I am getting the point I wanted across. Going to have to work on it even more.
I don’t underrate children like that. I find that they often bring just as much to the table as adults. What they lack is experience, and many adults gauge their worth on this one facet unfortunately. Sometimes a fresh mind that is not clouded with the ways of the world can be more important than the wisest of adults.
[This message has been edited by Exploding Monkey (edited June 14, 2005).]
quote:All I can say is that I hope that you don't have charge of small children at this point in your life.
If talking can be war, I think calling someone an unfit parent is going nuclear. Let's critique each other's writing instead, OK?
EM, I didn't read most of your second post (before my critique) because I didn't want it to prejudice me. But if your story is about a war, I suggest you start it in a war. You can build in the character flaws there. I'm not sure I'm right, but it's how I'd bet.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 14, 2005).]
posted
Good point, wbriggs, about referring to a writer's childcare skills based on what that person writes.
It's okay to try to guess what the writer is trying to do in a text and to post those guesses, but if a critiquer wants to try to guess things about the writer from what is in the text, it's not okay to post those guesses here.
posted
Yeah, that statement was really harsh, but I just decided to blow it off. It was so far off-base that it wasn’t even worth getting upset over. I too found it quite odd that someone could determine my child caring skills by what my fiction reads like.
wbriggs,
The story is not about war, but about the humble beginnings of a war hero. I need Garsha to have some depth for the larger story I am putting him in, and as I was thinking about his history, I decided to write about his first combat experience. Garsha actually dies within the first pages of the larger story, but I needed to understand him as a person so I could understand his daughters better. I needed to know about some of the flaws within his own personal character.
This piece of short fiction begins with Garsha sitting in a ‘deployment’ chamber with his platoon, on a ship designed to couple and cut open the hulls of other warships for boarding duties. He is holding a photo of his parents and flashing back to the conflict with his father. I felt starting with this father/son bout would be stronger than just jumping into the fight. It allows me to do some characterization of Garsha and also set up the flaw in him that he will have to overcome during the boarding.
Given this, do you still think it needs to be blended throughout the story, or could it stay as the opening?
Troy,
Thanks for the enthusiasm. I’ll post here again when I get it in readable condition. My first drafts are often very super simplistic ‘connect the dots’ drafts that do nothing more than tell me what happens from one moment to the next. Trust me, you don’t want to read it like that.
posted
I guess you could try it both ways. What's his flaw? Maybe it's something that can be shown in the present-time events.
But he gets killed early in the story. Who's the story about? It's a short story, so it seems like a lot of different times, if the MC is someone else. Usually we start with one MC and stay with him. There's no rule you have to, but every time you make a major shift in time OR introduce another major character, it takes a little more effort from the reader.
posted
This short story (about Garsha’s first time in combat) is about him and no one else. His potential is to lead others, but his flaw is that he allows pride to blind him and refuses to admit to himself when he had made a mistake. The encounter with his father in the meadow when he was younger deals with the lesson of pride, but Garsha resists his father’s lesson because as the middle child, he always feels he is picked on by his father. He can never seem to satisfy his father nor does he learn the lesson that day. It is not until after he has become a man and he is thrust into command of his squad (after his squad leader bites it) that he has to face that lesson again. This time his pride costs the lives of a couple of his fellow soldiers. He must face up to his own flaw and realize his mistake before he can correct it to ‘save the day.’
This story, while self contained enough to be a tale of it’s own, will not be a part of the other story I am writing. In this story, Garsha is the protagonist, and no one else. I am writing it to get a better feel for who he is.
In the larger story, Garsha’s daughters (and to a lesser extent, their mother) are the key players. Garsha is older and a war hero by then. He dies within the first few pages (it’s relevant to the story his two children partake in). So you could say I am writing a research paper on Garsha to get to know him better so that I can also understand his children better (the MCs in the larger story).
posted
As I read the frag, I began to wonder if some of the dialogue might be better expressed as Garsha’s thoughts.
An example might be: Garsha pulled in his knees and tucked his head between them. Why did his father like the other guys more? What had he ever done wrong? He couldn't understand why his father hated him.
Is it a hook for me? Not really. The other info you told us about how he is reflecting on this memory to gain knowledge for battle is very interesting. That’s a hook that appeals to me.
I vote that you start by letting us know his "present" situation, then move into the recollection of his father's lesson.
You mentioned that you had originally written the opener as him looking at a picture and remembering. Maybe you need something more active for an opener. But I don't think opening in the flashback will give the story the conflict it needs to kick-off. Can't he be in the heat of the battle and then remember the lesson? If you put him in jeopardy first then it provides conflict and peril for him.
Something like: Garsha looked across the battlefield and tried to focus his mind on a strategy to pull his company out of this jam. As hard as he tried, all that came to mind were the old football plays his dad taught him... Then go into the scene.
I don’t think I’m communicating it fully, but hopefully the examples help explain what I’m trying to say.
posted
Alternate opening (again a new 1st draft). Sorry this goes over 13, but I needed to get far enough to show you where I begin characterization and exposition this time. Please post your thoughts. Does this work better as a hook, and tell me what is not working or could use some clean-up. Thanks! -----------------------------
The boat shook fiercely as their prey took notice of the Boarding Assault Craft (BAC) and shifted their fire against it accordingly. Garsha could feel his heart starting to pound with much more force as the reality of his situation began to make itself much more pronounced. What was I thinking when I signed up for this?
Locked in their harnesses along the continuous wall of the circular deployment chamber, Garsha looked to the fellow soldiers of his platoon to help bolster his confidence. Some were staring straight ahead, expressionless, probably psyching themselves up for the inevitable violent bloodbath that was only moments away. The lieutenant was going over a holo display in his suit’s helmet, reading it like it was some inconsequential article in the morning paper. Garsha wondered if he resented being assigned to a unit mostly made up of fresh meat. If he did, he didn’t show it. The rest of Garsha’s comrades were wide-eyed and about as pale looking as Garsha was beginning to feel. My father is why I’m doing this. Damn that old man.
The BAC’s captain came in over their suit’s intercoms, “We’re taking heavy fire up here as you can all feel. I’m turning the boat into the fort’s batteries. Two minuets ‘till we grapple.” The lieutenant began calling out to the squad leaders to make sure their units were in order.
Garsha didn’t feel any more relaxed. He opened a small compartment in his combat armor and took out a thin holo-vid of his parents. It was a short loop of his mother proudly posing with his father just after the old man had been promoted to an NCO. They were young in the vid, his mother was just barely pregnant with Garsha’s older brother; their first child. It was the only image Garsha had of his father where he seemed content with life. The only memories Garsha could recall of him were his never-ending lectures and stern gazes. All he ever wanted out of his father was just a little acceptance and maybe a tiny hint of pride from the old man for his accomplishments.
[This message has been edited by Exploding Monkey (edited June 17, 2005).]
My reaction: not hooked, and I think it's because I don't think Garsha is hooked, either. He's going into battle, but he's musing as to whether the Lt. is resentful of commanding them, and thinking about Dad's stern lectures, not about the prospect of having his legs blown off. Also, if it's a violent time, short sentences can help.
Technical issue: how big is the ordnance? If it's bullets, wouldn't they ping instead of shake the boat (and be useless); if it's mortars, would there be a big hole in the boat, and dead soldiers? It wouldn't make the story less exciting, to know that one well-placed charge ends the whole boatload.
I knew that didn’t work. I could feel it as I was writing it. I kept reading it and thinking there just wasn't anything to it. I’m just describing the moment, but it's not compelling me in any way.
I'm going to go ahead and finish the story before I try another rewrite. I think if I can see the entire thing play out, I'll be able to better understand where I am going wrong.
Okay, so the hook does not work, but let me ask you this: Does it 'feel' better now that I have used less dialogue and opened with Garsha in his current predicament rather than in the past?
My initial thoughts were to avoid starting off in the action. This is mainly because doing so can often be a big red flag that the author does not have the skills necessary to draw in the reader, so they use an action scene to get the job done.
However, I am finding I like starting Garsha off in his present situation better than starting off with the flashback. Even though you're not hooked, with that aside, which opening feels more appropriate at this point?
Thanks very much for your honest input. Do not hesitate to criticize whatever I post here. And I'll keep it to 13 lines next time.
Garsha’s heart began to thump deep within his chest. His unit’s Assault Landing Craft had cleared it’s docking berth on the carrier. Soon it would couple with and cut through the hull of their objective. Soon they would experience war for the first time in their young lives. Garsha could feel the sweat starting to pour from his brow. He messed with the environmental controls of his combat armor, but it didn’t seem to have any effect. Why is this suit so damn hot? I can barely breath in it!
Frantic, Garsha examined the rest of the platoon in the circular room. There was no comfort in the eyes of his comrades. Some were too focused to connect with, most were too frightened. The ship lurched violently. The captain came in over the intercom to report they had taken a hit from their adversary’s guns. Evasive maneuvers were in effect. Oh dear god, what am I doing here? They’re trying to kill us! I want to leave. Please just let me leave and go home.
[This message has been edited by Exploding Monkey (edited June 17, 2005).]
posted
I think you're biased by the fact that you know he will be a great warlord later in life. However, most human beings that have been labeled great military leaders over the course of history had just as many failings and baggage as you or I may have. I want Garsha to rise above his weaknesses as a young man, not start off as a Patton or a Napoleon.
In this story, Garsha is struggling with internal conflicts that restrict him both as a solider and as a person. He is dealing with fear, pride, and a misguided resentment towards his father. I myself do not see fear as a weakness so long as the person that it’s affecting can take control of it and use it to guide them in making smart decisions. In the later story (where he dies right away) he has defeated almost all of his demons and has risen to meet the challenges of his job.
But I think you’re right that I need to finish the story first as I said earlier. Back to hammering keys…
[This message has been edited by Exploding Monkey (edited June 17, 2005).]
posted
I’m too frustrated now. I’ve allowed too many opinions to pull me in too many directions. I’m going to have to put this on the backburner for a few days. Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Sorry if my earlier comment was percieved as a personal attack. I'm just saying, if you weren't trying to paint the father as an over the top SOB in that passage, I wouldn't want to be a small child in your care. That's all. It probably came out wrong, because you kinda already said that making the dad seem like he was full of it wasn't your intention.
But you didn't exactly say that, so I think that you're going for a "this is a valuable lesson that Garsha could have learned much earlier in life if his dad hadn't been such a moron about 'training' his potential." Honestly, that's what I hope I'm seeing, since the whole point is that--whatever his intentions--the father didn't do a very good job of teaching his son, and people die as a result.
posted
One of the things I worry about with this workshop is what has happened here for Exploding Monkey.
All I can offer as possible protection against being confused by so many differing suggestions and opinions is that the writer of the story being discussed not act on anything anyone says until it all has a chance to sink in.
I hope that by putting your story on a back burner, Exploding Monkey, you have given yourself time to think about everything that has been said here and to decide if anything anyone has said will help you to turn your manuscript into the best vehicle for taking the story in your head and recreating it in the reader's head.
Trying to change your manuscript every time someone offers a suggestion will surely cause confusion and frustration. Give it time, let it sink in, and only use what really fits what you're trying to do.
posted
I’m pretty much over this little frustration now Kat (if I may call you that). Hatrack is my first experience with a workshop, and I’m learning as I go.
I was taking people’s opinions and running with them rather than using them to see ideas from different angles, so I kept rewriting the hook over and over. Now I know what I need to do in the future when asking for different outlooks on my stuff.
I’ve been too busy with an interstate move right now to be able get back to work on this story, but it is not dead by any stretch of the imagination. I am going to return to it and I am going to finish. I’ll probably print it and drop in a drawer for a month or two to ferment as I work on other projects. Then I’ll start a rewrite for the areas I know for sure need work before I come back in here to solicit ideas from others.
Thanks for the concern; I’m still on track though. It now has a working title:
A Pride of Lions
Edit - Grrrr! I wish this forum had a 'preview post' function!
[This message has been edited by Exploding Monkey (edited June 27, 2005).]
posted
Monkey, I will say that I like the potential I see in this story, and the idea that your researching this character for another story sounds pretty cool, almost like Star Wars, how George lucas went back to do the story about Vader and where he came from. Ok, first off, while taking peoples opinions is good, I feel like someone says jump and you scrap what you have and start over. Remember, there is almost always something worth keeping, for me, losing a line is like losing a leg, I want to avoid it, it will take much conviencing for me to do it, unless I am really sure it doesnt work. Once again, im new here and maybe I just dont have the right idea yet, but I think overhauling your work because someone doesnt get it is a waste. Not everyone is going to get everything in your story. When you start getting reviews where someone is like part A sucked get rid of it but part b was kool, and someone else says Part A ruled but part b sucked, then you have a story.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Monkey, get out of this thread and finish a rough draft. I want to read this story. I'm intrigued. But I don't want to read 9 different versions of a beginning for a story that never materializes.
Write, then rewrite.
*Affects a deep, officious voice*
You are banned from posting anymore fragments until you have a complete rough draft.
posted
For whatever it may be worth, if someone wants to abbreviate my username, "Kathleen" is fine. If you want it even shorter, I prefer "Kat" to "Kathy," though that could be confusing because there is a user known as "KatFeete" in this forum as well.
Survivor uses "KDW," and that might be the best choice of all.
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(but probably it's the hair 
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