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Daydreaming on a nice day. That was all Lex ever seemed to do on nice days. She just sat in her office, seven days a week, and looked out the big window that was one wall of her office and daydreamed about being on the other side of the window. It was summer, and not just summer, but southern summer with the heat and humidity so thick it made her shirt stick to her the minute she went outside. But she wasn’t outside. She was in her office, daydreaming about being outside. It was almost depressing. She heard a voice behind her. “Lexi, honey, you gotta get outta this office.” “I have too much work to do.” “No, you don’t. You don’t have to do anything on a Saturday, especially one this nice except go to the beach with me,” the other woman said. She was Cat Calavari, Lex’s current business partner and former college roommate. “Leave me alone.” “C’mon, what’s wrong? You haven’t left before nightfall since the winter. Live a little.” “I’m trying to not go to jail.”
Not really a hook, but the first 13 none the less. This is my first time, so be gentle.
posted
Well, I do find a hook, at the end: I want to know why going to the beach means a risk of jail. (I'm hoping this is a real hook, not just gripiness on the MC's part.)
I think your story starts too early. She's daydreaming, and doesn't want to be at work -- not interesting, to me. What's the story about? Try starting there. (It may really be about daydreaming. If it is, maybe give us a little detail about the daydream.)
posted
I agree. Starting a story in a daydream is like starting a story getting out of bed and putting on your socks. Yawn.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
Yep, your hook is at the end when she says she doesn't want to go to jail. You need to open right up with that. The reader will be intrigued and want to know why. So I hope you know why... lol. Meenie
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Well, the intent of the daydream thing was to illustrate how trapped she feels in what she's doing, so I'll work on that.
The other thing is that if she's not daydreaming, what is she doing? I always feel like I should start with the MC already doing something, even something mundane, so that they can be drawn out of it. Is there another way that I'm not seeing? I can never get into stories that start too soon cause I don't even care about the characters yet. I could just be wierd.
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I agree with your reasoning. It is an effective bit of characterization, even if what it reveals might seem a little bland.
Your introduction of Cat Clalavari is a little...cliche cutesy, if you know what I mean. Introduce her when Lex hears her voice, "Cat spoke from behind her." Actually, I would like a bit more detail on that. Did she already know Cat was there, or did she just sneak up on her? On the same note, was this surprising, either in the immediate or considered sense?
From her answer, I gather that she doesn't feel she needs to put up any kind of an act with Cat. But you might want to think through things if it's going to turn out that she's really on the lamb here. Like, why is she going to her big office every day at all? Particularly note, herbig office. That kind of thing can be revealed a little later, but don't put it off too long. By the time she leaves, we should know why she's there in the first place...at ever level that matters to the story.
Anywho, gentleness aside, were you looking for anything else?
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