posted
I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, so I just decided to put it here. Anyway, the paragraph below is something that I had to write for a class I had a couple years ago. We were to write one descriptive paragraph detailing a specific setting. I decided to write about a setting in one of my novels. At first, decribed it how I normally would in a book: short and simple. A couple days later, my teacher handed the assignment back and on mine she had written that I needed to rewrite the paragraph. She had commented that I hadn't used enough imagery in it. Frustrated, I decided to throw in as many adjectives and descriptive words as I could. The result was something that to this day I think of as one of the most awful things I was ever forced to write, but it did get me an "A" on the assignment.
So my question is, what do you think about descriptions using the number of adjectives that mine did? Is it too much? Is it painful to read? (Personally, I like to think so). What would an editor be most likely to say if he/she were to come across a paragraph like this?
Here's the paragraph:
A haunting, damp darkness enveloped the forest of redwood-sized, ash-like trees, though outside of the forest, the glaring white sun reached its zenith in the cloudless blue sky. Tiny yellow fireflies floated about like stars in the night, giving an astral appearance to the jade and pumice-colored woods. The emerald ferns, the mottled dark green bushes, the scarlet, gold, and lavender flowers, and the damp, cobalt soil gave off a musty earthen smell mixed with the sweet scent of roses, snapdragons, and dandelions. The high and gray trees stretched up towards the hidden sky and spread their leaf-covered arms to embrace it; and in the thick, smooth boughs hung the complex cé’ahni dwellings, which at first glance appeared so similar to the tree branches that they seemed a part of the trees themselves. Limbs interweaved with one another like green and brown cloth of a woven blanket, interlocking their gnarled wooden fingers to create the roofs of the houses while wide branches made rough, splintery floors and stairways. Yet, strangely enough, there appeared not one way to climb up the trees, their bark smooth and bare as a river-washed boulder.
posted
"What would an editor be most likely to say if he/she were to come across a paragraph like this?"
Yuck.
Your teacher is an idiot if she/he thinks that multi-layered, dense descriptive passages will sell. It won't, and if your original was more sparse, then s/he did you a huge disservice.
Setting is a function of a character's POV. You can create setting and establish character at the same time without all those adjectives.
posted
To be fair, I doubt that the teacher was considering whether or not it would sell.
The point of the exercise was to use a lot of "descriptive" words, without providing any reference to a specific POV. You did that. Therefore, you got an A.
I like to think that you could have written something elegant and still gotten an A. But I don't really know for sure.
posted
It is a bit scary, but I've had teachers say similar things to me. They just seem to love adjectives. And there are definitely a lot of them in this paragraph.
I think, or rather, I hope that Survivor is right. It was merely an exercise. Just never try to push it past an editor. David is right: "Yuck" is exactly what they'll say.
posted
I did plenty of discrptive writing in school too, and I throughly enjoyed it. I actually like the passage. Kinda reminds me of the passage in Tolkien describing Lothlorien (sorry can't spell it right).
It does seem most people here, and a few writer guidelines books I have read do seem to be against descriptive writing these days. It has sadly gone out of style. If you liked the shorter one better, than use it for you. This one paints a beautiful picture though.
posted
Well, you did spell Lothlorien right. Tolkien does write very descriptively, in a high, epic style befitting the ancient narratives he loved. But, he doesn't fling a string of adjectives at you in ever sentance. A spot of Tolkien description I just randomly opened up to:
"It was dark and dim all day. From the sunless dawn until evening the heavy shadows had deepened, and all hearts in the City were oppressed. Far above a great cloud streamed slowly westward from the Black Land, devouring light, born upon a wind of war; but below the air was still and breathless, as if all the Vale of Anduin waited for the onset of a ruinous storm."
I love this description -- it gives me shivers. It works for me because 1) while there are several adjectives, there are never a string of them, and each adjective enhances the sentance. I can not only follow this, it pulls me along. 2) Tolkien doesn't just use adjectives: he uses anthropomorphism with the setting, making me hold my breath just like the City is.
I think most people are anti-description because they have the English-teacher version of "description" in their heads: long lists of adjectives and adverbs. That's tedious to write, and tedious to read.
Personally, in the paragraph posted at the top of the thread, I got lost in all the different colors, and kept backtracking to figure out what was going on. I'd be very interested to see the original paragraph. Do you still have it? Would you post it here? We've seen your English teacher's best judgement...I'd like to see yours.
posted
Well, I don't have the original...not on the computer anyway. I might have it somewhere in the mess of old assignments I have in my room, but I don't know for sure.
Anyway, I actually love description, I just don't like the way I had to do it in that assignment. All the adjectives make my head spin. I tend to spend quite a bit more time than most people describing the setting, which I know most people don't like. I try to strike a happy medium, though--just enough description to give you an idea of what the place looks like, but not so much that I bore you to death or cause you skim over it.
Even though I don't have the original passage, I could post something similar from my wide repertoire of descriptions.
So here's an example. This one was also written a couple of years ago, but it is a good example of how I had been describing settings at the time the assignment was given.
quote: There far below, carved into the bottom of a cliff and sprawling out onto the canyon floor was the city of Artep, the roofs of its buildings shining golden in the fading light of day and its walls enshrouded in darkness. To the south of the city, a shimmering white waterfall fell from the cliff top and hid the cliff’s face behind a misty veil. The river below it, the River Elúi, flowed out from the fall and wound its way round the city, nearly encircling it before it continued on into the red canyon. All round the city there grew many trees, bushes, and other plants, for the desert land on this side of the canyon had faded away into a lush green forest. And behind the cliff the city was carved into were the high, ominous peaks of the Céar-deth Mountains They looked to the travellers like pointed black clouds in the dim light of the sunset.
posted
I like that paragraph a lot. It paints a picture for me. I'm not trying to figure out what you mean or stumbling over adjectives. It draws me along and shows me. Nice description. Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2005
|
posted
Yeah, it's a lot better than the other example. One thing that could be an issue (particularly from a descriptive point of view), you use the words "canyon" and "cliff" a lot without much specification, other than a mention that the canyon is red. That does help a lot, since red rock canyons are quite different from other kinds in some important ways (though that particular detail makes the overall setup seem a little less plausible, but that has nothing to do with the current discussion).
By comparison with the previous passage, it might be that problem was that you used the unadorned words "trees" and "woods" too many times for that teacher's taste or something.
posted
Notice the main difference between the two graphs is word choice. #1 is full of adjectives. #2 is full of verbs and verbals. "Shimmering" is much more active and say, "shimmery."
Survivor is right: She probably wasn't thinking market when she assigned the piece. I just can't imagine writing something without an eye toward publication anymore. My myopia.
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited August 04, 2005).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
