Hoorah! At last, I've got (what I think is) a pretty sound idea for a short fantasy story.
The problem is, I really dont know where the best place to start is. I have to set a bit of a premise for the idea to work & not 100% sure whether this works by having the MC "think" about it up front, or if I should try and bring it in later (although I'm struggling to think how I could actually perform this).
For the time being, I've gone with the former beginning. But could do with your comments on whether it makes for a dull opener. Also crit away on other aspects whilst its here:
*** As expected, the seed had yet again failed to shoot. The expanse of well-kept soil that stretched out in front of Jalrek remained as brown as it had yesterday, and the day before that. Not a spot of green to be found. If the seed were going to take hold, he knew that it would have done so by now. The little hope that he had held onto for this year’s cultivation evaporated at the sight of the lifeless ground. The only way that his family could continue to live on the farm for another year would be to use the last of mother’s fingers.
She had been dead for many years now, Jalrek tried to recount how many. Since the land had begun to bring them problems, he had used five of her fingers to bring about harvests. ***
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited September 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited September 07, 2005).]
posted
Hmm. Well, it certainly has a hook, in terms of just how Jalrek's dead mother's finger can bring about a harvest (I also note that he's used five of her fingers and apparently has only one left, which makes for non-standard finger provision).
The first paragraph, though, fels dry (no pun intended). Why has the seed failed? If the soil is utterly bare, then even weeds aren't taking root. Is there a drought? If so, then I think we need to feel it with Jalrek. If it's something else, we need to share his frustration and (perhaps) incomprehension.
Basically, I'm not getting a sense of emotion from Jalrek. It comes across as close to "oh well, the harvest isn't taking hold, *shrug*, time to go and get mom's finger...".
posted
I like the ideas in this piece, but the presentation at the moment is too clinical. The first line reads almost like an analysis by a scientist, not by someone whose entire livelihood and future is resting on the outcome.
Raise the stakes. Show us from the first line that this is life-or-death. "Expected" is too cold a word.
posted
It is a little dull. Also, Jalrek doesn't actually do anything whatsoever during this passage. We only know that an "expanse" of "well-kept soil" is in front of him. He could be at the dinner table with a long planter in front of him.
Also, this passage drifts towards exposition. The POV doesn't quite cover it. My feeling is that you're trying too hard to rush out the setup, and you're not making room for anything that doesn't explicate the background here.
By the way, what does it mean that the soil is "well-kept"?
posted
I think the problem may lie with the first sentence. It's summary. Don't start with summary. Start with something more active. Show me Jalrek examining the ground. Something like: (in your own words of course)
"Jalrek, down on his hands and knees, fingered the crest of the barren row of earth, lifting tiny clods to see if anything green lay beneath them. Nothing. Again."
Here he's DOING something while your reader is being led into an explanation of what's going on.
posted
What Dakota said, but I'd be more radical. Give me a killer hook in the first line (and you've got one!), and beyond that, stay in the moment. Like this:
The only hope Jarek had of getting his crops to grow -- and his family to survive -- would be to plant another of his mother's fingers.
[Then Jarek does something. Not memory or summary -- present-time action. If there's nothing for him to do in this scene, go to a later one.]
The reason I call this more radical is that I don't like Jared looking over the ground. Technically, he's doing something, but . . . I'm a gardener, and it's VERY frustrating when things don't come up, and I don't like to be reminded!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited September 07, 2005).]
posted
Actually, Jalrek doesn't look over the ground. He could have his eyes closed for all we know. However, I'll retract my statement that he doesn't do anything. Looking carefully, I see that he "tried to recount how many" years it had been since his mother died. He doesn't actually get around to counting the years, but he does try
Okay, it sounds a bit snarky, but really all I'm saying is that it's a problem that could easily be fixed. I liked DJV's suggestion, though you could also put him on a motorcycle roaring across the fields. That sounds like more fun to me
Jalrek crouched to examine the ground more closely, searching for any sign that the seed had taken root. He couldn’t spot a single green shoot in the expanse of fine, brown soil. He stooped lower, and ran his fingers through the soil of one of the furrows, feeling for the slightest resistance that would indicate growth beneath the surface. Nothing.
The little hope that he had held onto for this year’s cultivation evaporated. If the seed were going to take hold, he knew that it would have done so by now. His recent concerns had now been confirmed; the only way that his family could continue to live on the farm for another year would be to use the last of mother’s fingers.
posted
Well, it still doesn't have any of the various amalgams of fire, metal, and raw danger that I so like in a story, but it does seem much improved.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
This still feels clinical to me. Perhaps you should insert something about his family being hungry, or his patched clothes that he was hoping to replace with this years harvest, something like that.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Ah. Thanks for the reread guys. Unfortunately Maria, I cant include those thoughts of yours the way it sits at the moment. He's been using the fingers to pull in a healthy harvest each year, whilst all the other farms around him have failed. He's the wealthiest guy on the block. But will still have to move on if there's no cash left in the farming game for him.
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