posted
I've got this story, see. I'd worked on it for a few years, off and on. It had trouble getting born, but seemed to really need to. Wouldn't leave me alone. I did the best I could for it, declared it done and got on with my life. Still bugs me though. I'm not sure the ending works. If you don't mind and got the time let me know and I'll let you have a peek. It made my sister-in-law cry like a baby, she said.
Here's the first 13 lines or so (er, that's on an 8.5 x 11 piece of paper, right?):
My father is dead. I’m not sure, but I think that’s most of the reason I can finally write this story down. He was old. He’d lived a long time. I haven’t seen him since I was little. It’s interesting to note how little we know when we’re little. And, if you’ll pardon me, how little we know of how little we know. I remember by age eleven, when I was still a little little girl, I thought I’d had it all figured out. I was smart, I made good grades, my teachers liked me. I guess I must have felt there’s an end to learning – that since I was always a bit ahead of the other students, since my breasts had begun to arrive in earnest and since boys were still trying to disgust me at lunch I was that much closer to adulthood than they. Children always seem to think that childhood is a race.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 14, 2005).]
posted
There's too much little. A little disturbing. Being a woman, and having once been a girl, I can't ever recall anyone I ever knew expressing the phrase "my breasts have arrived in earnest." It rings false, unlike how young girls think of these things. "Growing boobs", yes. Breasts "arriving" sounds like the 3:40PM Ferry has just pulled into dock.
This whole thing feels really disconnected to me. It starts with the memory of the father, then it goes into first person memories of being a young girl, then it takes a more omni tone and goes into generalities about childhood. I would say bring your focus around to one concept, or at least lay a little more solid transition from one thought to the next.
I think the hook is in the father being dead. The rest of it really isn't very engaging. If you expanded on the memories of being 11, you might be able to pull a hook out of that. But I feel you would be better off chosing a single emphasis and spending your 13 lines building that, rather than jumping from one sub-topic to the next.
posted
Actually, I was going for a kind of disconnected feel and the narrator has a quirky sense of humor, so it's supposed to sound that way, which is good, but you're telling me it might not work, which is not. Hmmm.
posted
You need to say how much more, though. And the genre. Readers and editors will have that information when they first read your story, so you should give it to us in order to get an accurate impression of the effect of your opening as well as to help readers decide if they're interested. Some people can't stand certain genres, or may not have time to read a novella.
This opening is correctly structured if slightly wandering, the narrator explains why she's writing the story and then starts moving into it. Elan's comments may indicate that you should establish the context from which the narrator is writing a little more solidly than just saying that her father is now dead and she is writing this from a perspective that looks back on being a little girl. I don't feel that myself, but it's something to consider.
The forum feels a bit dry right now, something that happens when we start moving into the holidays. So you might not get a lot of offers to read a longer work, particularly one with a very non-holiday feel. No worries, though.
posted
Overall, it's a good story. The narrator seems to have a good voice and quirky way of seeing things. It starts with death, which seems to promise conflict. Moreover, it begins with death from the perspective of an innocent-sounding narrator, which promises conflict.
I felt I could read 'a little' more and then decide if I would continue. In other words, I was only slightly hooked. To be more hooked, I would have liked some action, some setting, a better about the main theme. There is always a lot to pack into an introduction, but if these came on the heels of that introduction, I would be hooked.
At this point, I don't know what the story is focusing on. It wandered, and the wandering didn't bother me, but I would have liked to have a more firm idea about what I'm reading. Is it about her father's death, her father, her, her earnest breasts or the boys that haven't noticed them yet? In other words, the wandering is okay to me, but something to focus on would help.
I rather wanted the narrator to be surer of why she was finally able to write this story. I know that's really nitpicky, though. It was just something that stuck out for me.
I shoulda thought about telling more about the story. Oops. Well, it's a non-traditional ghost story. That'd be the best way to describe it and maybe why it's potentially cool and worth reading.
The reason the narrator is writing it is because she's trying to sort out her feelings for her father, what happened to her, and the ghost.
Er, does that help?
Anybody who asks will get as much as the story they like - page by page if they wanna.
posted
I'll try it. I do believe that your opening could be more focused and immediate, but it's certainly not bad. And her father's death is a promising intro for a paranormal story.
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That may just qualify as a redundancy. I think you've got something going here, but I kept wondering when something was going to actually happen--though a lot of stories start out this way and are wonderful tales later on--if you carry this kind of thing on for too much longer, some readers will stop reading.
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I'm debating. I have this niggling urge to request this story for critique--maybe it's the intrigue of ghost stories at this time of year. But time--ah, time, that most precious of all commodities...
If you can stand to wait up to a week, I could probably take a look at it for you.
As for this first thirteen lines--the numerous uses of the word 'little' started grating on my nerves a bit.
The feeling I was going for (and I can't help but wonder if the next few lines in the story help), with the repetition and the disconnectedness, was someone who's trying hard to start telling a story that's going to be particularly hard for her to tell. She's upset. She's maudlin a bit. She's thinking things through.
Some folks seem to think it works. Some are wondering. Thanks everybody!
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I think you've got something going here, but I kept wondering when something was going to actually happen--though a lot of stories start out this way and are wonderful tales later on--if you carry this kind of thing on for too much longer, some readers will stop reading.
