posted
OK, so I'm going to try again on something else. This is Sci-fi, not too distant future. Story has been done before, but not my way or with my characters. Virtual Reality games. Here I go...
I saw him first. He looked nothing like a gamer when he walked in our door. Plaid with long-john’s does not a gamer make. Dark, dark, blue jeans and leather hiking boots does not a gamer make. No, he looked nothing like us, but damn if he didn’t smell like one. Coffee and donuts can cause premature ejaculate to well up literally and physically throughout an Audience and ruin a game. No, he wasn’t one of us yet, hell, he didn’t even have any Tatts, but he had the spirit of one of us.
I know there are no names, because she, the main character, doesn't know his name yet. Hopefully this one is much better than my last. I'm gone to go read other peoples stuff. Cya, Sam
posted
You've spent a whole paragraph telling us what this guy is not instead of telling us who he is. He's probably not a 7ft tall basketball player either, but that really doesn't help, nor is it particularly interesting. Is there any reason why this gamer girl talks like Yoda.
"Ah, knowledge of the force a jedi does not make."
posted
Confusing, very confusing. I didn't know it was a "gamer girl" until the second paragraph. I felt like i had been stolen from since the description of the non-gamer guy went a little too long.
Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
What you do tell us that's true about him, I don't know how MC knows. That he's "one of us." Why does she say that? Tell us what led her to that conclusion, I think.
And tell us that she's a she.
And tell us what's happening, not just description.
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