posted
I'm trying to choose between 2 possible beginnings. The book does exist and is available to read with a beginning nearer the first one.
Beginning #1: When I read in the campus paper that Dr. Buck had been found dead in his office, my first thought was whether I would be expected to go to class. It seemed fairly likely he had died of some natural cause. He seemed quite old the one time he had lectured.
Curiosity won out over indolence and I headed to the lecture hall. A tall cylindrical vase containing a single flower was on the lectern. I wondered what sort it was. I didn't have the knack for identifying flowers and plants that I felt a girl should have. Particularly one named Florence.
Dr. Sydney, looking a little more gaunt than usual, entered through the special teacher door and took out only a single sheet of paper. "I was to have gone on sabbatical while Dr. Buck taught the second half of this term. But with sadness I must inform you
Beginning #2: The non critical psych ward hosted a Christmas party for us that night. Someone poured me a cup of 7 up and I was dismayed to find I couldn't lift it with one hand. It was maybe a 16 oz. cup. I finally just made two trips to set my cookies and soda by a seat.
As I lay in bed that night the weakness in my hand turned into a tremor, and spread up my arm and into my other limbs. I began to fear that I was going to become a vegetable. This thought terrified me so much that I wondered if I shouldn't end my life while I still had some control of my body.
I sat up and looked through my shoebox of personal belongings for my keys with the swiss army knife, but it must have been taken from me at check in. But there was a picture frame- I could break the glass and use that. I let it fall to the floor. But it didn't
[This message has been edited by franc li (edited November 28, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 28, 2005).]
posted
Opening 1: cold-hearted little MC, isn't she? Finds that her prof is dead, and just dithers on whether to go to class! IMHO: if it's intentional, play it up, shove it up our nose; if not, make her care.
Opening 2: start with the loss of sensation, I think, since it's a hook. MC here has a bizarre sense of proportion. He might be getting paralyzed, so instead of calling an ambulance, he contemplates suicide? He's dying, and he's worried about scratching the window? The situation is too dark for humor, but the motivations are too odd for serious, for me.
Edit: I just found from the other forum that MC is based on you. Please don't take any comments personally! They're just about MC, as I understand him/her from the story -- *not* about any real people MC may relate to.
Also edit: if opening #2 is a psychotic break, well, I never got that. I thought it was about being drugged.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 28, 2005).]
posted
I like the title, but neither opening worked for me. The voice of the narrator seems too distant for me to get into the character. Of the two, I liked the first one better. I think the second one jumps into the narrator's problems too soon--I feel no emotional attachment at this point so can't sympathize with the narrator's predicament.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
#1: This one was easier for me to follow; it is clearer and more straightforward. However, along the lines of what wbriggs mentioned, I am no more interested that the MC. If he's going to be cold and unaffected, play it up so that we go along for the ride. If he's going to be upset or overwhelmed, go with that and we'll go too. But as it stands, there's not much emotional food in either direction for the reader to feed on.
#2: I had a hard time figuring out what was going on, right from the get-go, so you lost me. I don't get the first paragraph at all. It seems to be happening at a different time than the other two paragraphs, which leads me to wonder why you present it up from for the reader to become emotionally involved with if you're just going to move away from it. I say cut the first paragraph.
posted
#1: I feel that it's a strong opening. Just one thing that spoke to me: Where is the care for the dead Professor? No one showed remorse nor surprise for his death.
#2: All I can say is what? where? when? It didn't appeal to me. It seemed like it was a dream sequence to me, but it also could have been the effects of a drug episode. Just clear it up a little in the first paragraph so we know whats actually happening.
Both of them are good, but personally I prefer the #1.
posted
This is what's so hard about writing a first 13. The last time I started this it was just characterization and the overwhelming response was "So what?" Well, the longer I thought about it the less I liked either of these openings so I guess it's back to the drawing board. Thanks for your honesty, that's so important to this process!
Posts: 366 | Registered: Sep 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
