This is the just first 11 lines. If this doesn't hook you the following dialgoue won't help much.
Edit: The name Pinus nigra should be italicized as its a scientific name.
Wallace did not enjoy harvesting trees for Giving time. The seven years of apprenticeship had changed him from a shy child to a reserved youth who loved the trees entrusted to his keeping. I don't understand why the Lord Protector couldn’t find something else to use for his ritual, Wallace thought. Now that he was almost finished with his apprenticeship, Wallace didn't enjoy the lights and decorations of Giving like he had as a child. The Giving time was supposed to a joyous celebration to honor of the Lord Protector's establishment of the Primacy. But with each stroke his saw made, his resentment towards the Lord Protector grew.
Edit: Changed to meet Pixy's good point about my tense. I have a problem with passive voice.
Edit: redid the first 11 lines
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 14, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 14, 2005).]
posted
Well the first thing I feel is that I don't have a framework of reference. "Giving" is capitalised, making it seem important, though I have no idea what it means. That may be fine a few paragraphs down, but doing it in the first sentence throws the reader into immediate confusion. Ground us, and then take us into the culture.
And we seem to be looking back a bit soon.
quote:The seven years of apprenticeship had changed the shy child into a reserved youth who resented each stroke his saw made in the tree’s trunk. This Pinus nigra had already seen a decade when Wallace began his apprenticeship and it stood as a regal green monarch, yet it fell to satisfy the Lord Protector.
It's in the past, and it feels distant to the POV. Show him "resenting each stroke his saw makes".
And maybe say more plainly that he's cutting down trees. It feels a bit vague. Maybe I'm a ditz (this is definitely a possibility) but I had to read it three times before I got it.
My two cents.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 14, 2005).]
posted
I'm mildly hooked. I get the conflict. I'm not sure if this is the place to start.
Nit: when I read "The seven years of apprenticeship had changed the shy child..." my thought was "who's that? Oh. Wallace." Better: "The seven years of apprenticeship had changed him..."
Nit:I don't understand why the trees are so important, Wallace thought. ...but he was just thinking how important they are to him! Better: I don't understand why the Lord Protector can't find something else to use, Wallace thought.
You might also tell us what the Lord Protector wants the trees for.
I may not be the audience for this. I like trees fine, but I don't get being loyal to them, unless they've been outside his bedroom window throughout his youth, say.
posted
If you were to try putting the events in the order in which they happen it would be easier for the reader to get involved. Everytime you go back and forth in time the reader is taken out of the flow of the story. I think this can be done without making it any longer . Try starting with the earliest event ( the tree's birth), then show us how life has been for your MC up to this point, and lastly show that life is now different. You are showing these event now, just try reorganizing them.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited December 14, 2005).]
posted
Oops Sorry about too much info KDW. I type in Times New Roman so when i cut and pasted I forgot to reformat the text into courier.
Posts: 514 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
One more nit: I would say, "But with each stroke his saw made..." to make it counter to the sentence before. It was suposed to be this, but it was that.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 14, 2005).]
posted
Matt, since you're off taking exams and won't be back at this for a bit, I'll reply and give you something new to chomp on upon your return - looks like you already got a thorough going-over and rewrote.
The rewrite is still not working for me--not enough, but it's close. I saw one remark about something or other "out of order" and it got me to thinking. You might want to just start out with the conflict-building remark you have at the end. That is - try the following rearranging (I've deleted one reference which may be important but you can work it in again...just not in the first sentence or it's too much information BEFORE I care about Wallace - buy me into him first):
quote: The Giving time was supposed to a joyous celebration, but with each stroke his saw made, Wallace's resentment towards the Lord Protector grew. Wallace did not enjoy harvesting trees for Giving time. The seven years of apprenticeship had changed him from a shy child to a reserved youth. He loved the trees entrusted to his keeping.
And then some remark, re-emphasizing "He felt he shouldn't be cutting them down" would be good.
The words/info I chopped out were: "to honor of the Lord Protector's establishment of the Primacy." Since (by the end of the first 11 or 13 lines) I don't know who the heck the Lord Protector is or what or who the Primacy is, do I need those words in there drawing my attention away from Wallace?
If you keep the focus on Wallace and the activities preparing for Giving time, I'll be hooked. Unlike other remarks, I'm not resistant to waiting to find out what Giving time is - you make it clear it's some kind of community / regional activity, probably large (they're cutting down trees in advance for it - whether to use as building materials or to clear a way, whatever it is requires preparation hence it's "big") I also get it's supposed to be a GoodThing because Wallace is at odds over it all...wanting to be psyched up and obviously not able to get past the harm it's causing his trees. In that sense, I'm hooked.
Please do post a rewrite (give us a clue in the subject maybe? I have no idea what the first version looked like - you'd already edited it). I'd love to see how this turns out.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
