Oh, and I'm very sorry, Will. You must be pulling your hair out. I promise, this time, I told you what he's waiting for right away.
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The Waiting
Sareck faced the wind. His finely woven tunic flapped against his chest as the salt polished his cheeks. He could never say aloud why he stood on these rocks, watching the sea, waiting. But in his heart he chanted it like a prayer. Come home, come home, My love. My Lilly. Return to me, return, and make me one like you; a child of the sea.
The sounds of the tide rushed towards him bringing kelp and seagrass as its offering. A gull cried out a warning. A crab scuttled beneath a rock. And Sareck waited, knowing that what he waited for would never come.
It had been this way for twelve years now. A constant vigil for the ghost of what he’d lost to the ancient sea.
--Edited to say: It's up in my PSC forum at LH now too.--
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
Wow, that seems like a great story! I would definitely want to read on if I have the chance. Good descriptiveness. ^-^
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
If you can combine those last two lines into one you'll alleviate my worries about flashback fever.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Unfortunatly, flashback fever is my main problem with this flash (#17). The trigger was the picture with the statue of the guy looking out at some bay. Anyway, the whole thing is back and forth, past present, past. And my head hurts. Like I said, it needs some love.
Forgive my ignorance, but how would combining those two sentences help?
posted
I think that sometimes you can get away with murder (and even flashbacks) if the writing is smooth and flows seemlessly. Too often the flashback is a different pace to the rest. This happens here, By making the two into one you'll get a smoother flow and thus lull me into flashback world.
Look, I'll have a look at LH and get back to you by Monday (I hope). That way I can give this the time it deserves. What I didn't say before was that this is a much better start than the one I read before. It's very smooth
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