posted
This is about 2,500 words. Just thought it was a good idea so i quickly wrote it down.
People say that there’s something about gripping the oaken handle of a 3.57 Colt Revolver that gives a person a sense of power, that they are now a god, and can decide whose life they should spare…or take. It gives them that belief the world will now bend at his or her will.
Then why did I feel so…so weak?
I must have sat behind that desk for hours, stroking the metal of the gun like a mother would her child’s hair, occasionally pressing the trigger gently, to test how easy it would be to comit the horrendous deed. As the hours passed, an orange glow filtered through the window of my office—well, now it was my ex-office—signaling the beginning of the sunset.
It was the perfect time.
Comments?
[This message has been edited by M.D. Westbrook (edited December 11, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 12, 2005).]
Major problem: keeping secrets from the reader. He knows who he's considering shooting, and why, and we don't. Tell us up front!
Minor problem: "People say holding a gun makes you feel powerful." I've never heard that, so it makes me distrust somebody -- maybe the narrator, maybe the author. Maybe you could make the one who says this be somebody specific who the narrator knows.
posted
There's a LOT in that class lesson so I'll one or two remarks. wbriggs assumes the MC is a "he" - I'm female and don't assume either way. Briggs are you male?
You don't tell me enough about the MC to wonder why s/he is holding a gun, contemplating firing it. I also agree with the lesson remark - withholding information has pushed me away rather than hooking me.
Give me a sense--preferably in the MC's thoughts to reduce my distance--of WHO might or might not be shot. The MC? Someone else? I'd like to know why but I don't need to know. Others may disagree and "need" to know why the MC wants to shoot whomever, but I'm a novelist and willing to tolerate a slower pace. That said, if I can't tolerate the lack of information in this opening, it is MUCH too slow feeding me answers.
Good character start, though. Will you recut and repost?
posted
I'm hooked a little, but I agree with wbriggs. If the MC knows then the reader needs to know too. When you say he/she is going to kill someone, just tell us who. I suggest telling us about the person he wants to kill first. Show us his fasination/rage with the victim and then tell us he's gonna wack 'em. Then you can tell us why.
I like this:
quote:I must have sat behind that desk for hours, stroking the metal of the gun like a mother would her child’s hair, occasionally pressing the trigger gently, to test how easy it would be to comit the horrendous deed.
The picture is perfect to set the mood. Just tell us what the deed is before you say "the deed".
posted
I've held a lot of hand guns and they never made me feel powerful. Quite the opposite. I was scared to death by the damage I could cause if I made a mistake.
And it's a .357 which refers-loosely-to the diameter of the bullet in inches.
posted
You must, must, must tell the reader the MC is going to kill himself if he knows he's going to kill himself. Otherwise you'll be cheating, and editors don't like "surprise" endings if the MC knew all along and you, as the writer, withheld the information.
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