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I found it a bit bizarre that as an adult I couldn’t remember my childhood. I was turning twenty-one soon, and I couldn’t remember one single childhood memory. I remember things I was told like, the old tire swing, climbing the cherry tree and breaking my arm, swimming down at the pond, learning to ride a bike. You would think I would remember breaking my arm, but I don’t.
My dreams lately had been abnormal, fantastic and off the wall. I was dreaming every night and if I woke, I would return to sleep, and it would start exactly where it ended.
Well there it is. Where the sentence ends, about four lines down becomes more descriptive. Feedback would be appreciated.
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Wow, that's great. It really draws me in. There weren't really any parts that bugged me in there. =) If you're looking for a reader, I'd be happy to.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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My only thought is that it needs a bit more oomph. The confusion in the character's mind is a bit too subtle. Maybe making the sentences shorter and choppier and bouncing his or her thoughts around a bit more might help.
I think there a shift in verb tenses that's confusing me. The character seems to drift from telling the story in the past to telling it in the present and back again.
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Thank you so much for your feedback ! It is helping me greatly. x__sockeh__x, thank you for the confidence. When I get several chapters done, I will send them to you to read. This site is amazing with its' wealth of knowledge. I am very happy to have found it. Thanks again. Ameasha
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Thank you so much for your feedback ! It is helping me greatly. x__sockeh__x, thank you for the confidence. When I get several chapters done, I will send them to you to read. This site is amazing with its' wealth of knowledge. I am very happy to have found it. Thanks again.
