posted
hello, I'm working on a novella that is currently 30, 000 words right now. If you could look at the first thirteen lines and post comments about whether it was confusing, slow or whether or not you wanted read more and etcetera, that would be very nice. If by chance, any of you would like to read more please let me know. Thank you all very much.
Vincent Reitzi’s body lay serenely in a large puddle of blood. He was a tall man, whose thick dark hair was cropped back in an elegant, youthful fashion. The fragrance of rotting flesh saturated the air of his workroom. From the humidity, the hairs of his light, bristly moustache stood erect like Ancient Roman pillars. His neck was mutilated by a large red gash that bled no more. The sweat that perspires from death coated Reitzi’s olive skin in greasy delicacy. And his blank, open eyes still held the same surprise that death brings to the innocent.
posted
This is very nicely written, but I got a bit confused as to who was describing the scene (and how). The date made me think that it might be a journal entry, but the description seemed to be from the perspective of someone who was there. I think the scene would draw me in more if I knew whose POV it is coming from.
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posted
You have a bit of a dichotomy going here. "Vincent Reitzi’s body lay serenely in a large puddle of blood" suggests that his death was peaceful, as that is what the word serene means, yet you also write, "His neck was mutilated by a large red gash that bled no more." Lying in a puddle of blood in itself suggests a violent death. I would drop the adverb from your opening line. "The fragrance of rotting flesh saturated the air of his workroom" also contradicts itself, as a fragrance is a pleasing odor and rotting fish always stinks (except to a shark or a seagull). This line, "The sweat that perspires from death coated Reitzi’s olive skin in greasy delicacy" really turned me off, even though I like the thought. "Greasy delicacy" simply doesn't jive with death sweat. Finally, "And his blank, open eyes still held the same surprise that death brings to the innocent." Blank eyes hold no expression, because they are, well, blank.
These problems are very easily fixed. I also offer the advice to pare down on the use of adverbs and adjectives as much as possible. The picture of death by murder really doesn't need to be described in elaborate terms. Let your reader use his/her imagination. If the reader didn't have one, most likely he/she would not be reading a work of fiction. BTW, I am still weeding them out of my own writing, so I am taking my own advice.
I hope you weren't discouraged by a strong critique. Your writing has potential. Good luck with your manuscript.
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited January 17, 2006).]
posted
I think you have a good impression of the scene you want to describe and of the circumstances of R's death. Both the scene and the circustances that led up to it have the potential to be very interesting and hook the reader. However, I'm not sure these ideas, as written, have been expressed in the best possible manner.
I second Salimasis's advice on paring down the adjectives and adverbs. Keep in mind that when you do use two adjectives in a row, they must be separated by commas. (thick, dark hair)
The biggest problem, in my opinion, is the constant mixing of concrete, physical description with abstract description. R is lying in a pool of blood with a gash in his throat, his hair is dark and cropped. His mustache is bristly and his face is oily. These are all really concrete details. It sounds odd to me when we mix Roman pillars, greasy delicacies, and surprise of the innocent in death to these otherwise "real" details. If you do choose to keep some of these non-concrete descriptions in the story, make sure they are very relevant to the plot and theme of the story, and not just easy ways of setting the mood. Can you find other ways to set the mood you're trying to achieve?
As an experiment, you might try retelling this introduction as though you were a newspaper reporter, just giving us the facts- then rework your prose after having worked from that perspective.
I did not find the scene confusing. And I personally liked the opening line. I like the image of a dead man looking serene- but Salimasis is absolutely right- you can't tell us in the beginning that he is serene, then a few sentences later tell us that his eyes are wide open with surprise. You must choose.
Best of luck with your novella! I look forward to reading any rewrites you post.
posted
I felt a little manipulated. (I'm talking about how I felt, not saying what the author meant!) It was the juxtaposition of good words and bad words: serene and puddle of blood; fragrance and rotting; greasy and delicacy. It's like I'm being told how to feel and the instructions are contradictory. Some may like that style; it bugged me.
I would probably keep reading another paragraph to see what the story's like once it's under way, but if it stayed this way, I would drop out.
Nit: I don't believe a dead body can show surprise.
posted
My initial thought was "what's serene about a murder?", but that has been discussed above.
The date at the beginning made me want to think this was a journal entry or the personal notes of some observer (a charcter's writings of some kind), while the text made me want to think that the POV was omniscient, not limited to the observer. Can you do a series of journal entries from an omnicient point of view?? Or did I just misunderstand the date?
posted
That first sentence turned me right off. You have a nasty adverb in the first line that can be taken out. Describe to me how a body can lie serenely and then cut out that adverb and put your description in its place.
Also, why are you describing this scene? Is there someone in the room? If so, concentrate on the live person instead--the one I'm going to get to know in the story.
posted
Thank you to every one who reviewed my passage--all addressed very important things that I was not very aware of. Special appreciation to Salimasis and Raconteuse for indeed a strong--and astute--- critique. I will work on alleviating the adverbs and adjectives.
To clear up for KevinMac and for RedSakana regarding the date: Allow me to elaborate on the synopsis and format of the work. The passage that I posted is from a section of the work that is titled "Conclusion."
The basic format goes as such
a.)Conclusion Part 1 (a crime scene and investigation told from an omniscient third person view) b.)Conclusion Part 2 (Funeral) c.) Vincent Reitzi's travel log(told from the First Person, which is the "meat" of the work, and records Reitzi's adventures and life) d.)Conclusion Part 3(The End)
The Synopsis of the work is:
"A doomed scientist invents a time machine and chronicles his journey to four fantastical eras, whose inhabitants are used to satirize American Culture."
The Conclusion occurs after Vincent's Journal is finished. To have titled the passage Conclusion for this small passage, may have confused readers unless the entire work was laid before them.
I'm looking for those who would like to read at least or most of the first thirty to forty pages of the manuscript. If any one would like to continue reading what happens beyond the passage, after I edit it further, please let me know. Again, thank you all.
posted
I'm uncomfortable with a lot of your description. I'm not sure you are explaining things the way you see them. Also, there tends to be description that is unnecessary. Would you describe a man on the ground as tall? It's kind of hard to tell, and tall is relative to the POV.
The adverb in the first sentence gives the opening an amateurish feel. I'm not commenting on whether serene is the correct concept, but I would rather see it written like this: Vincent Teitzi's body lay in serenity amid a large pool of blood.
This transforms the form of the word from an adverb to a noun.
posted
This was poetic, but I don't think the descriptive words used are the best choice.
"serenely in a puddle of blood" doesn't seem to fit.
"fragrance of rotting flesh" smell of rotting flesh would be better.
How could humidity make his moustache stand out and the image of Roman pillars doesn't work for me.
"His neck was mutilated by a large red gash that bled no more." I think here you can cut "that bled no more" I don't think it's necessary.
"greasy delicacy" how can something greasy be a delicacy. It has a negative connotation. Unless you're trying to be humorous about the oil from his olive skin.
I think in your case, less is more. Take out those metaphors and it will be less confusing and read better. The reader will be able to imagine it better too.
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