posted
It's amazing how much the opening determines the direction the story goes. Everytime I change it I see new things. This is the second revision for my speculative story of about 2300 words.
“Hey, Tony. Stock the bar with ice,” the boss said. “Frankie, put two doormen at each entrance to take the money. Pietro, I want some extra bouncers on the floor."
"Expecting a little rumble tonight?" Tony said. He had just started working for the boss.
"Yeah. Alphonse might show up. It’s mischief night.”
“And they never wear our colors or follow the dress code. They act like they own the place,” Frankie said.
posted
I don't have the same problem with dialogue in the beginning, I just want to know what's going on really, really soon after it's done.
This works a little better, especially now that I know the POV character is Tony. However, I'm still wondering what's going on. Who's the boss? What's Tony's job? Where are they? Why are they worried about mischief?
posted
In general, I agree with Spaceman--I'm not a big fan of dialogue at the very start of a story. Maybe you could start with by showing us the extra bouncers/doormen from Tony's perspective instead? E.g. he walks by the doormen as he comes in, sees all the bouncers, then asks the boss if he's expecting trouble.
Also, I think this might work better for me if 'the boss' had a name. Does Tony know his name?
posted
I'm not so worried about starting with dialogue, either, but we need at least *some* description, if only to orient us. Maybe something like:
It was Tony's first night as assistant manager at the bar, and it looked like it was going to be anything but boring. Nick, Tony's boss, was blustering about more than he usually did, barking orders left and right.
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