posted
As he watched the droplets of red wash the floor, Jordan didn’t have an inkling of what he was getting himself into. The blood sizzled in the candle flames as she took his wrist and licked his wound closed. As he stood before her, his life flashed in his mind like a movie. His name was Jordan Sinclair and today he was 20 years of age but on this, what should be an auspicious occasion, he was bleeding from his wrist onto a white pillar candle at the request of his beautiful but strange aunt and wondering how he got here.
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posted
Some good (graphic) and dramatic opening ideas, but not quite put together properly. I’m not an expert by any means, but I put together some of your ideas to try to explain what I mean.
He watched the droplets of red wash the floor. He was bleeding from his wrist onto a white pillar candle at the request of his beautiful but strange aunt. The blood sizzled in the candle flames as she took his wrist and then licked his wound closed.
His name was Jordan Sinclair and today he was 20 years of age. But on this, what should be an auspicious occasion, he was bleeding from his wrist onto the flame of a white pillar candle at the request of his beautiful but strange aunt and wondering how he got here. As he watched the droplets of red wash the floor, each important fact of his young life fell into swirling patterns and overlapped. He had made his plans for the night blindly and somehow Adari knew what he was going to do. But this act of blood letting wouldn’t change his mind. He was going to kill his mother and nothing Adari did would change that. Not if he could help it.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 27, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 27, 2006).]
posted
I suspect you've got a powerful story here; you've certainly got a powerful hook! However, you're giving a lot of facts that I can't fit together. Why is it an auspicious occasion; why does he think his aunt wants this ritual; how *did* he get here (I doubt he's really wondering; but if he has amnesia, I want to know); what it means for the facts of his life to fall into swirling patterns; why he was going to kill his mother; and who Adari was. Each sentence ignores the questions from the previous ones and raises new ones, which remain unanswered as well. Just tell us! If it's got matricide and blood rituals, it'll be gripping; no need to keep us in the dark.
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posted
Ok, I see you points and thank you for being blunt. I have been told in the past when I have submitted work for publication that the whole plot should be told in the first paragraph of the first chapter. I was the only feedback I received. So if I understand you correctly, raise one question, answer it, but in such away that it leads one to want to read the rest of the story?
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posted
Well, you don't necessarily have to answer all the questions in the first paragraph, that would be a mistake. But I think you are actually trying to put too much into this. Don't forget the reader needs a second to absorb a new bit of information, and if they come across some intriguing but unresolved questions, they are willing to wait a little bit for the answer - provided you have already shown them that their patience will be rewarded by answering at least a couple things right away.
Also, you are starting this story at a point of high emotion, but unfortunately the reader hasn't had a chance to identify with this emotional level yet. We are still watching from the outside because the difference from whatever our mood was before we began reading, to his intensity, is too strong to make the transition easily. You have to immediately dive into flashbacks and infodumps to fill us in on where we are and what's going on, as it stands right now. I don't think that's the best way to handle it.
How about backing up a little bit? Obviously something important has already happened, or he wouldn't be wanting to kill his mother. Can you take us there? Let the emotion build in the reader at the same rate it builds in Jordan? Then, when he vows to kill his mother, we'll be right there with him, cheering him on, or hoping he fails. Either way, the emotions will have had time to grow.
posted
I hate the first 13 line thing. Some people want the entire book detailed out in the first 13 lines and all the questions answered. I, on the other hand, want to uncover the more interesting parts as I read along.
I like it a lot. It works for me it has my curosity piqued. I have a lot of questions, but, that's why I have to read the book.
If it were my book, the only thing I would change is the order of the first two sentences.
quote:As he watched the droplets of red wash the floor, Jordan didn’t have an inkling of what he was getting himself into. The blood sizzled in the candle flames as she took his wrist and licked his wound closed.
The blood sizzled in the candle flame as Jordan's aunt licked his wound close. Jordan didn't have an inkling of what he was getting himself into as he watched his blood wash the floor.
It seems to have more pop opening with "The blood sizzled..."
Some people may say but you can't use wahs after the aunt licked the wound close. I say you can and the healing of the wound came after the blood was spilled. By the blood still washing the floor it is implied that a good bit was spilled and could be running off the the table at which they are sitting.
posted
Going with the first opening on this post. I think your details are interesting, but I think the opening could be rewritten to make it even more gripping.
Here were my impressions as I read:
"droplets of red" What? I think it's perfectly fine to say blood, that way I can imagine this right away.
"wash the floor" do you men drip on the floor? I think this image would work better.
"licked his wound" you use his twice. Could use "the" the second time.
"his life flashed" all of it or what part?
When you introduce your character try something like: Jordan Sinclair was 20 years old today, would flow better.
My last question: Why didn't he know how he got there?
posted
Also, as for the wondering how he got there part, I like it as it doesn't have to imply amnesia. It could be him making an examination of conscience, what series of events, what emotional turmoil or what lapse of reasoning brought him to do what it is he is doing. By him wondering, he could be just replaying the events leading up to this point trying to discern what was the pivotal moment that led him to have his aunt perform this weird ceremony. If this is what you are implying, I'd leave it in unless the editor tells you to axe it.
Also, I have to say, I would not make the opening overly simplistic. I recently picked up the recent book from one of my favorite authors and I set it back down on the shelf because it seemed like a high school freshman wrote it in a comp class.
Peace, Scott
[This message has been edited by Zodiaxe (edited January 27, 2006).]
posted
Wow. taking your critism under advisement. Well, I have begun in what is the middle of a story that I have all ready written over 1400 pages. But this is the beginning of a new book and I am trying to simplify it down so that this one is much more realistic in a fantasy sort of way. I doo have a lot going on in the first paragraph. If we are analyzing each sentence, let me say that I have chosen the second submission. I like the strangeness of the opening 'His name was Jordan Sinclair'. I assumed, like I shouldn't have that a birthday is an auspicious occassion. I al ready have I think a different sentence to go in there. The reason he is wondering how he got there, was a more simplistic way of saying "Why did I make this choice?". I also reiterate now in the beginning that Adari is his Aunt by calling her his 'beautiful but strange Aunt Adari'. Thanks for the input. I really like it.
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His name was Jordan Sinclair and today he was 20 years of age. Instead of a nice gift, he received the news that his father was human and that he was not. Instead of a party, he was bleeding from his wrist onto the flame of a white pillar candle at the request of his beautiful but strange Aunt Adari and wondering why he didn’t just do as he’d planned tonight. As he watched the droplets of red wash the floor, each important fact of his young life fell into swirling patterns and overlapped. The blood sizzled in the candle flame as she took his wrist and licked the wound closed. This act of blood letting wouldn’t change his mind. He was going to kill his mother and nothing Adari did would change that. Not if he could help it.
posted
I have to say, this re-written version doesn't hook me like the first one. This one just reads like another book. There's nothing there that stands out and flirts with my interest. But, that's me.
posted
So I have made my final rewrite taking into account what it was I wanted to say in the first place with your feedback. Thanks everyone.
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