posted
Experimenting with different styles and voices--all critiques on the following lines welcome, critiques on pace and hook particularly desired.
Harry surveyed the pretty trees and inhaled the autumn wind. I’m almost happy, just watching. It was almost enough to make him think that maybe today could be like every other day. Maybe I could sit back down on the bench and watch the leaves some more. The wind stung his cheeks. He had forgotten his scarf. Harry reached into the pocket of his jacket until his fingers brushed icy steel. He had remembered the gun. Today the gun was all that mattered.
Harry walked across the street. The Calypso Club was as ugly as the park was pretty; what happened inside as dirty as the park outside was pure. Harry knew. He had been watching for three weeks.
[This message has been edited by J (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
The one thing that stood out to me is the fact that you used the word "pretty", not just once but twice. It's a bland adjective. I'd try making it more descriptive and see what you've got after that.
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posted
I'm not too interested so far. I was waiting for your hook and it came with the gun, but it didn't surprise me at all. I assume you want a surprise since the first few sentences are so bland.
You used "almost" in two adjoining sentences. Again, a weak word like pretty or nice.
posted
A little off the point, though it did catch my eye..."Harry Harrison" is the name of a prominent SF writer...you might want to reconsider use of it, to avoid that kind of association, unless you've got a good reason for keeping it.
Other than that, I liked it up until the gun came into it...it's *hard* to judge these things on thirteen lines or less...
posted
I didn't know that Harry Harrison was the name of a prominent SF writer. Thanks for the heads-up.
It's hard to judge anything on 13 lines. If that's a subtle way of volunteering, there are a couple of hundred more lines I could send your way (~1500 words).
posted
Not hooked. I really liked the imagery in the first paragraph, but when you brought up the gun, I'm left wondering what he's gonna do with it. He's been keeping an eye on this club in particular; why? Something's happening, but I don't know what the motivation is.
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posted
Regarding pacing: It's hard to say, really. It seems a bit fast to me, but well... not sure.
On hook: It's okay, but I think it could be a lot stronger. You might consider reordering this so that we know right away that Harry is watching the club from across the street. He's been doing it for three weeks, right? And today is a special day because he brought his gun this time. Perhaps the development of the gun can wait a while longer; for my money, it's far more interesting to learn that he's stalking someone in the club (if that is indeed happening) or simply watching. It makes Harry obsessive in an intriguing way. The gun makes him psychotic, perhaps, and doesn't build much sympathy, really.
Them's my thoughts.
I do take much issue with the first sentence. "...inhaled the autumn wind", frankly, is an awkward choice of phrasing in my opinion. If it's autumn, then you might consider developing the month, time of day, whatever. There's plenty of time for Harry to take deep breaths later, and loads of time for the gun to make its appearance. But, again, consider starting with the club-watching (rather than tree watching) and then develop the overall setting in full.
posted
I'm amenable to seeing more...I'm a little rusty on thorough critiques, though...and it may be awhile before I can turn it around and get back to you...
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posted
Hmm, guess I'm just unique, but I didn't see the gun bit coming. However, if a reader sees a summary first, that can give that away.
I paused at the first "pretty" wondering why it was used, but if a plain style is wanted it could be pulled off. However, an editor isn't likely to give it that chance.
As already pointed out, using 'almost' twice will be frowned on.
The first sentence gives setting and the MC's name, but could be improved to be a more effective hook.
posted
The style dips in and out of noir-voice, which might be your intent from the context. Short sentences and direct observation of the environment will lead to this.
"pretty trees" - "Pretty" is too abstract. If you could find an adjective that reflects the state of mind of the character, that would be a better choice for a first sentence.
"I'm almost happy" - The internal monologue conveys lassitude, instead of happiness. "almost" and "watching" make him sound indecisive and passive. That continues with the next sentence. If this is your intent, you should use a stronger narrative voice to communicate it.
Mentioning the wind twice weakens both instances.
"Today the gun was all that mattered" sounds a little melodramatic.
In the last paragraph, stay away from the general adjectives. Since you are contrasting the park with the Calypso, you might bump up the descriptions of the park more, then indirectly communicate that the Calypso is none of these.
posted
I'm fascinated, JT. That was a solid crit, but I'm woefully ignorant of what you mean by "noir-voice." I would very much like to understand what my style was dipping in and out of. Would you mind explaining for me?
[This message has been edited by J (edited February 11, 2006).]
posted
The noir style of writing evolved from the crime fiction of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammet. In noir, you will often see short sentences with only slightly modified subjects and predicates. Few participle phrases. The descriptions step through a realist portrayal of the character's action. "He stood up. He took the gun from the drawer. He took the bullets, too." It can feel like the POV character is narrating each step in their day.
It's actually a good way to flesh out a scene. You can convey quite a bit about a characters motivations and their state of mind by the elements they focus upon. For example, if you want to show that a character is about ready to perform a task they don't wish to do, you might have them notice a child fighting against their mother, or a sailboat turning into the wind. Then your descriptions communicate on multiple levels, but if the writing is too simple, it will start to sound like a Mickey Spillane detective novel.
[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 12, 2006).]
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