posted
*sigh* Ok, i've started this story and only wrote a couple of pages but I was wondering what you thought of the first couple lines. It is based in a computer game (I have NO clue how much ppl have done this type of thing) so to avoid being too cheesy I tried to make the beginning sound more interesting.
Like the light of a mystic dream, the moonlight shone down as sequences of coded information into my individual brain cells, forming the beams that played faintly upon my crouched body. I felt strangely real in this artificial world, the numbers showing my poison-tipped dagger clenched in my hand and the heavy rock behind which I waited, breathing quietly. Such breath, as if it were real, was enough a thrill that it quickened for a moment in the thought of such exhilarating simulation. I smiled. This was the ultimate life. Here, in the darkness, a world as real as any I had ever known, and creatures for me to stalk and slaughter. I had power here, I was something here. I could feel it coursing through my artificial veins—an exasperating rush of thrill.
Any comments whatsoever go. If you want to know where I'm heading with such an...aparently cheesy plot line, i could explain.
posted
Umm...what's going on? In the first thirteen lines, I have absolutely no idea who this person is, where this person is, what he is doing, or if this is even a he, she, or it. I got that something artificial is going on, but I don't know if it's the environment, or the person, or some combination of the two.
posted
I like it. So basically, the first 13 is describing the feeling of playing the game, then? I'd definitely like to know more. The beginning could be a little more clear, but I don't have too much that I can think of to improve the bit you posted.
Posts: 50 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I have to weigh in on the "unclear" side. The only reason I had any idea what was going on was that you told us "It is based in a computer game." If we need that information to understand this (and we do) it should be in the story. Even so, I think it could be substantially clearer.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
Yeah Valtam, its meant to basically display what it feels like to be in the game because that is ultimately one of the biggest aspects of the story (it has large implications later).
As far as being ambiguous, I'm rather confused myself on something--should we always make it so you know the character immediately? I mean, you have to set up a plot, right? And to do so you have to set up the place as well as the character. My thought with this was that it would be more interesting to the reader to read about the game world itself (these lines are followed by a fight that demonstrates the capabilities of the world) then to discover more about the character himself afterwards, which I do in much more depth. In essence, the fight that follows this gives the reader a sense of his personality, but you don't learn who he is or why he's there until after the fight. Is that a bad thing?
If anyone has a bit of time and wants to see what I mean and see if it works, I could send you the first 2 or 3 pages.
posted
It is very difficult to include more than a basic MC, sometimes just a name is possible when limited to 13 lines. With no name, or reference point for the MC your introduction can fall short. For me the idea of your story is reason enough to try and introduce your MC better. Then the strangness of his situation will pull the reader into it! Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I agree very much with Ray. In addition, this part caught my attention, and not in a good way: "I felt strangely real in this artificial world." If it is just a matter of clearing up what is going on, then OK. Otherwise, how something artificial can known what 'real' is doesn't work for me. At least not at this part of the story. If it makes more sense later on, perhaps wait until then to make that comment.
Posts: 160 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I was okay with it as a description of the person being in a game. Don't know if the topics excites me (I'm not a game player), but I wasn't confused either.
But, it seems I'm the minority opinion on that, so will defer to the others on this.
posted
I see what you're saying pjp...it is a slightly confusing statement. However, one of the major ideas that the story will try to deal with is the difference between what is real and what is artificial. So I was really trying to make that point at the beginning. I was trying to setup right away how real and life-like the artificial world was.
I suppose it is a rather difficult thing that I am trying to portray here because I am mixing reality with artificial. Like, as Ray said, I leave it ambiguous about a lot of the stuff because of this. But how could I make this clearer? It is in first person so I can't tell his name right off the bat and I can't exactly launch into his background in the first 13 lines. So if you have any suggestions on how to clarify, I'd appreciate them.
I suppose I should also add that I was thinking of adding a bit at the beginning that is basically a comercial for the game in which the MC is playing. It would clarify where he is a bit more. I'm not sure though. Any other thoughts would be appreciated.
posted
"My thought with this was that it would be more interesting to the reader to read about the game world itself (these lines are followed by a fight that demonstrates the capabilities of the world) then to discover more about the character himself afterwards, which I do in much more depth."
I see where you're coming from with that thought, but IMO if the reader doesn't feel a connection to the character from the get-go, or at least something to relate to them, they're going to get antsy and look for reasons not to keep reading. At least that's my experience with reading. Interesting angle for a novel/story, but I'd like to know a little more about him/her/it. Just SOMETHING to make me identify with him/her/it.
quote:My thought with this was that it would be more interesting to the reader to read about the game world itself (these lines are followed by a fight that demonstrates the capabilities of the world) then to discover more about the character himself afterwards, which I do in much more depth. In essence, the fight that follows this gives the reader a sense of his personality, but you don't learn who he is or why he's there until after the fight. Is that a bad thing?
This wouldn't be so bad, IMO, if this was an idea story. But you've written it in first-person POV, which immediately makes me think that this is a character story, and in a character story, my interest is invested with the character. If there's a fight, I'm not looking so much for a description of what's going on, but the emotions that the character is has, the reasons that he has for being in it.
And really, when you have action in a story, you have to care about what's going on, and in order to care, you have to know exactly what's happening. And going with my assumption that this is a character story, I have to know who the character is in order to care about what's going on. Otherwise, I'm gonna be bored.
So, you asked how to clarify this. I would say that you could give a description of what the game is, and make it really cool to the reader, so that when you introduce your character, the reader can connect with him and why he likes the game because the reader likes it too. You can then get more into who the character is during and after the game play. Or...you introduce the character first, what he is like, then put him into the game, explaining things as you go along. I much prefer the latter approach, because it's going to be the character that I like more than the game. But you can do whatever you like, even ignore my suggestions, because really, this is your story. If you can, find a better way to clarify this for the reader. These are merely suggestions, and I'll be the first to admit that they may not be the best ones to have.
[This message has been edited by Ray (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
IF I may, I think the confusion readers feel (myself included) is that we're not sure if your viewpoint is a character in the game or a player over-identifying with his electronic alter ego. While that may be the ultimate goal at some point in the storyline, it's too confusing to start there.
If it's the former, then I find it implausible that the character is in any way aware of the "unreality" of his environment.
In the latter case, we as readers need to be grounded somewhere. You should try picking one realm or the other - the game or reality - and stick with that enough to establish it. Then you can introduce the other and proceed with merging the two so we can see the lines begin to blur. Your characters can be confused by what's happening, but your readers can't.
posted
Thanks, krazykiter. You said everything that I tried to say. This is what I get for being longwinded.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Right, well I have a nice twist in it that is actually the main point of the story. The main character thinks he's a person but in fact is a program. Has that been done before? If not, I really want to do it, because it makes for all kinds of cool possiblities.
Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Yes, that's pretty much what number two is.
Josh, I read your plot outline so I can tell it's definitely a unique story idea, and one you care about, so it needs to be written. You have a lot written already rather quick and some amazing poems on your site, so your definitely up to the challenge. But why did you start it like that?
I'll be blunt and get to the point (you must know of all the grammatical and typing errors in there?): You start off the story with action, and then expect the reader will only then like to know about the character? The idea of any story is to build towards action scenes like that, when the characters actually in danger.You don't just throw it in "to setup right away how real and life-like the artificial world was." You've overestimated the importance of the setting, in my opinion. Yes this works in a milieu story but even then we need to respect the character going through the world enough to hear of their adventure.
posted
to me it reads like the beginning of a poem. Cryptic, yet clear. I lnow that sounds odd, but I like it. I'd like to read more.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Wow, rusta, that was probrably the most helpful thing I've had anyone say to me in a long time. Thanks for the compliments (especially about my poems...those are my favorite writings) but thanks even more for those comments. I think I'm going to start over with the entire thing. I didn't really like it much either...lol..I just started it like that to experiment with the world. You're right, its a pretty lame way to start. So I'll redo it.
I'll post the redo first 13 lines on here when I get them written and you guys can tell me if they're any better.
As far as the grammatical and typing errors, I'm not really too concerned with those. That's what editing is for and I'm not going to stop my flow of writing to correct them. Not to mention I don't think I was ever taught them quite correctly. But that's why i want other people to read my stuff.
Oh, and what you said Susanna makes my heart leap. I consider myself a poet first and foremost and I'm glad you like my type of languange. I was beginning to think that no one appreciated that type of languange any more!
Thanks again everyone for the comments!
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 08, 2006).]
quote:The main character thinks he's a person but in fact is a program. Has that been done before?
It probably has, but don't let that stop you - it's what you do with the story that counts. Heck, the same concept was the basis for several episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
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