posted
Well, I might as well post this. Some of you may have seen work like this else where, posted by a registered being as 'the archon' that's me. This is a Fantasy work, with more wacky rules than Xanth (please know what this is). I'm not sure how much is written exactly, but I put it at about three pages (not the wacky pages here, but full pages.) I'm looking for volenteers to read the whole thing. I'd do an introduction into the whole world, but I'm not going to, as that's (according to Piers anthoney, Mister Card, and a few other writers) not a bad move. so with out further adue, the first paragraph... --------------- Arrsup cursed as he sprinted out of the fire temple, feeling the heat of one of the lizard priest’s fireballs on his neck. As he got to the outdoors he made a wild leap down the flight of stairs outside the temple; he made it just in time. The fire ball whizzed past him, flying until it reached the edges of the temple grounds. There it detonated in a small but fiery explosion. He moved through the garden as fast as he could without attracting attention. Only the occasional lizard priest paid attention to him. Only one summoned fire, the others glared at him and pointedly told him to get off the grounds. He made it off without meeting any of the High priests. Pure luck.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
"As he got to the outdoors " That sentence sounds weird. The words dont go together! It should be : As he reached outside.
"Only the occasional lizard priest paid attention to him." You need to go into more explaination about lizard-priests and the creatures in the garden before you can start tlaking about their actions. I didnt know what any of this meant and it confused me!"
"Only one summoned fire, the others glared at him and pointedly told him to get off the grounds." This part confused me aswell becasue i thought you said noone paid attention to him. And like i said earlier, you have to explain more stuff about the lizard creatures and their abilities!
"He made it off without meeting any of the High priests. Pure luck." That sentence should be rephrased like this: He Managed to escape without running into any of the high priests.
Now this is only my opinion as another writer. I hope you dont get offended and i must admit it was a very good story.
Plausibility issue: if he felt the lizard's fireball on his neck, he didn't keep running and have it miss. Fire _hurts_.
...and if somebody were really shooting flame at him, it wouldn't be resentment he'd be feeling (with his cursing); it would be terror.
It's hard for me to care about his fate, because I don't know who he is or why he's in the lizard monastery; or why some lizards want to burn him to death and some just want to order him off the property. For all I know I should be rooting for the lizards. It wouldn't take much to ground me in this reality.
...and I think it's quite possible that seeing *why* the lizard shot fire at him would also be an exciting scene.
posted
It has too much of the tired AD&D smell to it. (The phrase "summoning fire" being a key give-away.) I suggest trying to work with some elements in your story that feel more unique? Or at the very least, bring out some characteristics that veer a little from AD&D.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I think this could be an exciting opening, but it falls flat as written. I'm not drawn into the action. It feels like I am watching this from a distance, or being told about it. I need to be right there with Arrsup for this to work. Can you tighten it up onto his POV better?
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Plumeh - I wouldn't suggest telling the writer how their story should be. You can give suggestions, but it's always up to the writer. The way you put a few of your comments, you were speaking as if your way was the only right way. Remember, your way isn't always correct!
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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