posted
Here's a fragment I would like comments on. It's from the first chapter of a novel (dark fantasy). The first chapter is a bit too rough to be read, but I hope to get some readers later on. Mainly what I'm looking for now are first impressions. If you saw this printed in the front of a book in an actual bookstore, would you consider buying the book (or at least reading some more parts of it)? I'm out of town a lot, so I may not respond to comments in a regular fashion. Thanks in advance. Here goes...
An hour before midnight, Leonidas Hegg was on the front porch of his house at the base of a sheer cliff of gray rock that rose so high the clouds generally blocked the view of the top. A few of his gourds lay scattered on the floor along with baskets of mushrooms, piles of swept shavings, and the long green bug boxes Mattie had stolen from towns-people. The air was salty from the sea, and he was brooding again. He was carving another gourd (his third of the night), using the ivory-handled knife he had found washed up on the rocky beach eighty years ago, when he was only seven years old. Above his head, a single electric bulb burned, pushed back every few minutes by a gust from the sea. Leonidas looked up and out into the blackness beyond his porch. Somewhere out over the deep, he knew a fierce storm was up.
posted
This opening feels very much like a state of being to me. I don't usually comment on the use of the verb "to be" but in this case I think it's worth mentioning that the being verb tells me what things are, not what they are doing, if that makes any sense. Who is this man? What does he want? Why are the gourds interesting? Why is his house on the cliffs interesting?
As this is a novel, I am typically willing to give more leeway but I think this shows stagnant writing. The first sentence, in particular, is far too long for a first sentence.
But not a bad first try, really...better than many I've seen. Good luck!
posted
I'm interested by the mood you're setting up here. As to whether I would keep reading... well, I never have been able to tell within 13 lines whether or not I'd like a book. I'd read further before deciding whether to be hooked or not.
Christine is right about the first sentence -- it is a bit too long. I had to read it twice. But otherwise I think this starts off well. I tend to like having a scene set and a mood established, particularly in longer works of fiction -- and this does that nicely.
posted
I agree with the others about the first sentence being to long. You could easily splice that one in the middle to make two clearer sentences. Also, the fifth sentence doesn't make any sense to me.
One thing that might help you with this piece is to read it out loud. That really helps strengthening writing.
posted
I think the scene you are setting could be an interesting one. But right now this is too cluttered. Pare down some of those sentances, and it will be easier to read. Perhaps we don't even need all that info crammed into the opening to get a feel for the setting. I'd rather know what he is thinking, or why he is doing all this gourd carving.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
I'd rather read about the mans personality rather than read where he lives. I want to know what he's thinking, not what he sees, if you can understand that.
quote:An hour before midnight, Leonidas Hegg was on the front porch of his house at the base of a sheer cliff of gray rock.
I would end the first sentence there, and leave the rest out or you may place it later in the story.
posted
Thanks for the comments. Seems there's a consensus among the group relative to the first sentence. I re-read it. Yes, it is too long. (But it was almost longer -- I left out the part about his rocking chair at the last minute!)
posted
I want to know what he is going to do with the bug boxes.
I would keep reading.
Do you--or does anybody else--read Miss Snark's blog? She's a literary agent who blogs about the business, and she offers a lot of great tips about what she works for in submissions (for example, I remember reading her opinion that it is best to begin with shorter sentences in a paragraph, progess to more detailed, longer ones, and close with shorter ones--your paragraph made me think of this). http://misssnark.blogspot.com/2005_07_24_misssnark_archive.html
posted
Sorry, but I've read a few of those and Miss Snark doesn't know what the hell she's talking about half the time. She has no sensitivity to different narrative voice options, she can't comprehend the correct use of such basics as past perfect and pronouns, and she is very free with expressing her opinion of the content while pretending to criticize the text.
Fine, I only read about three of her crits. She also dissects these submissions, in full, on her public blog. While the authors of these pieces no doubt give her permission to do this somewhere in the process of sending them to her, it doesn't raise my confidence in her. It would if she were careful to distinguish between serious flaws in the text and her own pet peeves, which are not even literary peeves, but she does the opposite. She devotes a great deal of her commentary on each text lauding or decrying it for entirely personal reasons. She does almost no serious examination for common and correctable flaws in the writing.
Fine, she's an agent and I now know enough to not ever send her any of my own work (as though I would have in the first place, but some people here might have if they hadn't seen her blog first). So her blog could be useful. But she could have just said "I only like stories about such and such" and left it at that.
posted
My biggest problem is that I don't know what's going on: what a bug box is, why Mattie stole it, what the gourds are for, what world we're in (he's using a bone knife, but has a light bulb), or what Leonidas is brooding about. *Everything* that might interest me is in a fog.
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posted
I'm curious - but curious about something that may not be an issue at all. You mentioned an ivory-handled knife that washed up on the shore. This strains credibility a bit. Saltwater will quickly corrode most metals. Besides that, an ivory-handled knife heavy enought to carve with is going to sink and be too heavy to be washed up on shore. That is, unless the knife was part of the contents of a box that washed up on shore and came, perhaps, from the wreck of a ship. At any rate, you've "planted" the knife in the story so I'm thinking the knife itself plays some significant part of the story. If it does not, all we need to know is that he was carving gourds. The house being at the base of a sheer, towering cliff is hard to believe - any big storm that comes up is going to subject the house to ALOT of water.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
To me, the whole scene sounds like an extended setup for this approaching storm.
Although I like the mood you've set, the verb tense makes the whole scene sound too passive. I'm guessing you're building up to something, and a simpler tense (say, simple past vs. past progressive) might help build some anticipation.
posted
_________________ Above his head, a single electric bulb burned, pushed back every few minutes by a gust from the sea. Leonidas looked up and out into the blackness beyond his porch _____________________________
what? did you mean blown back as if on a long chain hanging from the porch ceiling?
I would say exactly what he is doing instead of describing the scene os vividly. It's ahuge jump from his surroundings to his actions.
posted
There is a lot of stuff going on. A lot of this interests me, but I don't have time to understand or appreciate it. I would probably keep reading but I would hope for a bit less cluttered eventually.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Thanks to everyone for reading the fragment and thinking about what you liked and didn't. I think it's a great "reality check" to get other people to read what you write and give feedback. I noticed some oft-repeated concerns:
The clutter: I had never for an instant thought about that possibility. That the piece could seem cluttered. Gads! It all seemed so clear in my mind. The whole picture and what was going on. But then, like they say, the insane are the last to know....
Leonidas, the unknown: several comments mentioned how closed off and distant the main character seems -- we don't see inside his mind at all. This made me re-read much of what comes after this fragment and Leonidas does seem somewhat blank. I think maybe I haven't really brought him to life yet. He's still just spare parts from the graveyard right now. What I need is a big electrical storm.
The mysteries: People also commented on how I have tossed in so many unexplained elements into the first few lines. I feel very strongly that unexplained elements are absolutely crucial to a story. You have to give people something to find out later so they will keep reading. But I suppose if NOTHING is explained, well, that can be a problem.
posted
Mattie stealing the bug box was the only thing that got my attention. I think there is just too much going on--too many mysteries all at once. I could do with a little less decription here--it's good imagery, but it does not hook me.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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