posted
Here's the rough draft. I'm considering going to the SVU writer's workshop...
I'm tired, and sore. Hammering nails this afternoon. It's been a long day. There's been some pretty weird shit going on.
I'm Carol. The weird shit calls himself David. He comes through my walls and my doors, and when I think I'm going to get a good night's sleep, he screws it up. He's restless, it appears. I'm sleepless. We fit.
I don't have any reason at all to believe I am prone to this sort of "visitation". (Anything I don't quite believe and have a slight disdain for, I put in quotation marks. It's a thing.) I've never had a "paranormal" experience before. I'm not sure I believe in them - even now. But David and I are getting cosy. He keeps popping up.
posted
I really like it, but the parentheses sort of threw me off because I couldn't tell if the thought was yours or your MC's. If it is the thought of your main character, is she writing this down somewhere? Is this her journal we're reading? Why has she been hammering nails? Overall, I thoroughly enjoy the tone. My favorite part was "The weird shit calls himself David." I wasn't expecting that at all, and I actually laughed out loud. Keep it up, definitely. If you have the chance to do the writing workshop, I would recommend going. I wish I could. That kind of help is extremely beneficial, plus the general experience of it is very rewarding. How much of this do you have written so far? It ends too ubruptly.
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
What a refreshing and clever voice! My compliments.
I didn't have the problems that Penny did at all - I thought the parentheses were clearly narrator side thoughts, and in this case the narrator is Carol. (Wow, you must have done something right because I usually don't remember protag names in first person.) I also can wait to find out why she was hammering nails, although at the moment I'm assuming she works in construction or is doing home repair. Either way, it wasn't what popped in this.
posted
My comment is a nit -- that Hammering nail sentence needs something. Been hammering nails -- but then you have two "been"-s in a row. ...from hammering nails.... -- feels a tad better. Just the way you have it now, as I read the sentence, I feel like a fall off a cliff when it hangs there so unconnected, sort of.
posted
This is very good. It's very engaging. Only have one nit to pick: the period after "visitation" should be inside the quotes. The following is only a suggestion--I did't find the parenthesis distracting--but you might consider replacing the period and the parenthesis with a hyphen.
[This message has been edited by Mig (edited June 09, 2006).]
posted
I have a nit: "He's restless, it appears" I'd write without the comma. When I first read it, I almost thought that something had actually appeared.
This isn't my type of thing, but it isn't badly written at all. Did you just want crits on the first lines, or were looking for readers of the whole thing?
Edit: on the other hand, you can eliminate the comma if you say "It appears he's restless." or "He appears restless." That might satisfy both me and Ray.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited June 09, 2006).]
posted
I liked the voice. I had a little trouble figuring out how she was putting words in quotes unless she was writing this down. There were alot of short. Choppy sentences. And some fragments. I understand because I tend to use short, choppy sentences also.
Posts: 212 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
For me, the first paragraph was a problem. It made the hook come later, and I don't see a need.
Once that's done, though, I loved it. I like her voice, I like the tension of not believing in ghosts and seeing one, and I'd read if you had it finished.
Might better go ahead and sign up for SVU -- it'd suck if they ran out of room!
I think that you could use a meta-narrative marker between the first and second paragraphs. "I should explain," or something like that. Thus, you would clearly signal the transition between "gadimtootiredtobecoherent" and "As long as I'm writing it down, I might as well make it readable".
I was also struck by, "I don't have any reason at all to believe I am prone to this sort of "visitation"." In my mind, there is only one reason you would believe that you were prone to such visitations, and that's because you were experiencing them. So that line doesn't make any sense to me.
But overall, pretty good. It's interesting, it feels "real" (here making the assumption that this is fiction), it's readable. We're all writers, there are little things any of us would change. But there isn't anything I would definitely say has been done wrong.
posted
Do you have to introduce her as Carol? The weird shit is David might work too. But I'm one of those obnoxious people that doesn't care if I don't know a POV character's name right off, and maybe she has a reason for introducing herself this way to the reader, and either way, I really like the opening. I'd keep reading.
Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2006
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) I thought the tone lighthearted and engaging.
I understand because I tend to use short, choppy sentences also.
