posted
Obkb...This is an idea I've been tossing around for about a year now. I've gone through opening after opening and just can't seem to get past it. I know the rest will pour at as soon as I get past this, but I've been stuck on it. This must be at least the 40th draft I've written up for the first chapter(granted this is only the first 13.)
So, be as brutal as you can.
Thank you. ~ Mark ----------------------------------------------------------------
On the horizon, the blasted remains of a sky scraper crept into slowly view. Bren Killian pushed his rusted Ford Ranger just a little faster. Dust kicked up behind him on the cracked pavement of the highway, and settled once more among the scorched earth of the barrens. Long ago, how long nobody knows, this world was covered in lush green forests. Millions of people lived their lives. They built wonderous machines, and towering buildings that reached so high they cut the clouds and caused them to bleed acid. Then, one day, the great calamity came. Fire scoured the skin of the earth, and set the oceans to boiling. Within hours, the world was reduced to a handfull of stranglers. Over the few cities that survived, the Earth Mother poured her red-hot anger.
posted
Your first sentence is awkwardly worded. You mean crept slowly into view? Also, who is your pov character here? It can't be Bren because he wouldn't know what happens to the dust after he already drives away.
Also, dropping into a history lesson on the second paragraph SCREAMS to me that you started this story in the wrong place. Is this all stuff we need to know right up front? Why introduce us to a character just to drop out out of his pov again to recite some encyclopedia entry?
Imagine if Tolkien started LOTR like this:
Bilbo was celebrating his birthday.
Middle Earth is a land of great wonder. Goblins, barbaric monsters . . .
See what I mean? Introduce back story only as often as necessary. Don't stop the action for it. It completely ruined the narrative of your story.
Also, phrases such as cutting the clouds, and oceans boiling and, how the fire scoured the skin of earth and red hot anger are all terribly cliched and pretty melodramatic. It's been done by Bobby Jodran, and Goodkind, and Brooks, and almost any other door-stop fantasy author you can think of. For me, originality goes a LONG way to making a fantasy novel good. I'd take originality over flowery prose any day of the week.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited June 23, 2006).]
posted
Suggestion: keep whatever beginning you have now and just plow on and write the rest. It's perfectly ok if it's not very good right now; you'll improve it later.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Ditto what's said, especially Swimming Bird (great analogy).
And, as you continue, I suggest: be especially aware that this is Bren's story -- that is, it's not just that the earth woke up and destroyed the cities; it's that Bren saw it happen. (Or saw the aftermath. Or whatever.) Bren lost his sweetheart/mother/dog/whatever to the disaster. Specific is good.
Several typos that totally butchered me(stranglers instead of stragglers, crept into slowly...whoops!) but that I overlooked on even the hundredth read-through.
As for POV - it's more of a 3rd person narrative, at least, that's what I'm going for.
And the history lesson...that's what's giving me the hardest time, I don't know how to leap into the book with a history, honestly. It seems I should be introducing a character at the start. Thoughts? Advice? Ideas?
I want to open with the reader knowing what the current population knows of how the world ended. I put it into the words that the storytellers would, I imagine, use when telling their children about the End. How could I better do this?
So, the question: is it acceptable to push the MC off for the first chapter while I give a paragraph or two of the end of the world, or should I try and find a way to transition from that first couple paragraphs to an introduction of the MC?
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited June 23, 2006).]
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With some fine tuning I think it can be great. I find it hard to see just a section and see if its going to be a good story. If I had more info on plot I could give you the thumbs up or down. For what I see I would read on.
posted
First question that came to mind for me: If there are only a few stragglers left, who is drilling for oil and refining the gas to make the old Ford run? I think it's important in "dystopian future" stories to make sure you either totally change modern life, or only change a few aspects of it (think "1984"). If you explain later on that it's a Bartertown kind of thing, where some alternative fuel is being used (pig poop?), then that will work out okay, but be careful of leaving present-day conveniences like cars that run on gas unchanged if you have a scorched Earth and few humans left who have to scrape out a living in a barren wasteland. Maybe horses or ox carts would be more likely, unless you've already thought of the fuel thing.
I agree that the history lesson is too jarring here. I also agree that you should stop worrying about the opening and move on. You might hit on something later, as you continue to develop your story, that solves your opening issues for you, so just let it lie and get to work on the rest.
I love apocalyptic fiction, so I'd be happy to read it once you have more fleshed in!
quote:Cutting the clouds is one thing, but why do they bleed acid?
Acid rain! I actually liked that bit - it gave a bit of distance between present-day people (in the story, that is) and the world of the past. You know? Maybe they don't "understand" acid rain anymore in this world, but they do remember stories of how acid fell from the clouds because of the cities.
posted
Alright, then I'll keep going with it regardless of the opening...I'll start with the story, leave history out of it, and just let it roll, see where I go from there.
As for a quick outline, an extra-dimensional invasion ravaged the earth. No one really understands this, however - and at the beginning I want the reader to know what the rest of the world does about the End of the World. As we progress through the story, we learn that Bren is part of a group called the Children of Fire, a mid-tech[high, comparatively - they have about the technology that we do, with much less industrial power to create it] organization trying to find some way[terraforming?] to fix the earth.
As for things like Fuel and Electricity(which is also...abundant):
This is a magical world, though few actually understand it. Many just accept that things work, because even fewer understand the Old Tech. For instance, Bren wields powerful magic, though he honestly has no clue. He's told that X device does this, and when he uses it, it works - nothing odd or mystical to him, but...
...where did the magic come from?
This is the world I'm attempting to build. It's well fleshed out in my head, the only thing remaining is to flesh it out on paper.
quote:And the history lesson...that's what's giving me the hardest time, I don't know how to leap into the book with a history, honestly. It seems I should be introducing a character at the start. Thoughts? Advice? Ideas?
Whether you introduce the character or the history first depends on which your story is about. It's okay to have a story that's about the world itself. Your characters and events will exist as a means of allowing the reader to explore the strange post-apocalyptic world, and not for much reason beyond that (they should still be compelling, though). If you want to write about this scorched, barren landscape and the strange ways people survive in it, then introduce your history first. If you want to write about Bren and his struggles to survive (or do whatever is important to him) in this world, then introduce him first and let the world introduce itself whenever it's convenient and natural.
I get the feeling, because you introduced Bren first, that you want to tell a story of the people, not of the world only.
I go back to "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" here. One of the cheesiest movies of all time, but it really nailed post-apocalyptic "culture" very well.
If you feel that you can't slip the history into Bren's story an convenient moments throughout the course of the book, then maybe what you need is a prologue (ugh) or a scene somewhere later in the book (yes!) where the history is actually being told (briefly) to a group, as a form of ritual, and Bren observes this, or participates in it. You know what I'm talking about, if you've seen the movie. " 'Member this?" "Tomorrow-morrow land!" " 'Member this?" "The River of Light!" "Waaaallllker, Waaallllker," etc. It's a fun scene, and it explains the world and why it is the way it is now without ever taking you out of the action of the story itself.
If you haven't seen the movie, you need to check it out for Tina Turner's hair, if for nothing else.
Bust a deal, face the Wheel!
(yes, I'm a MST3K fan. Can you tell?)
[This message has been edited by LibbieMistretta (edited June 23, 2006).]
posted
I got hung up on the first sentence but thought the second was great. Why not try switching them? I like the character and got a visual of him without even going into the history lesson. I ditto the previous comments on the history lesson - no need this early, I want more the MC right now so bring it on.
Thank you Libbie! It'll have to come a bit later, but that's exactly how I'll do it. And the thing is, I'm not sure which I want the story to be about - the world or the people. Really, it's both. It's the story of a revolution, from the eyes of the man who eventually leads it. I have layer upon layer built in my mind, but just knowing where and how I can introduce the history...it's like crawling from under a great weight. I can see the rest of the story playing itself out now because I'm out of the "how can I show this" mindset and into "what happens here?" mindset.
posted
Alright, so I sat down and rewrote the opening. It's all been pouring out from this point, it's great. I only write a few sentances at a time, maybe 3 or 4 an hour, but that's actually I think a good steady pace, while I wondering about how Bren should be reacting to things, and what exactly needs to happen.
Anyway, I'm going to post the first four paragraphs[hope that's not against da rules], because I feel it's missing -something- but I don't know what. I'm also afraid I might be going too fast, or that I'm too fragmented. I'm not going for whether it's gripping or not, but I want to know if it's flowing well from sentance to sentance and paragraph to paragraph. Particularly, the fourth is giving me trouble. ------------------------------
Bren Killian pushed his rusted Ford Ranger just a little faster. On the horizon, the blasted remains of a sky scraper crept slowly into view. Dust kicked up behind him on the cracked pavement of the highway, and settled once more among the scorched earth of the barrens. To the side of the road lay a worn sheet of metal, half buried in red-black dust. The letters C H I were all that remained of the old sign. Bren observed this with a mild interest, wondering what it meant so long ago. He slowed to a halt in front of the old complex. Wind blew a deathly whistle through the grated walls of the building. Bren picked up the haversack in the passanger seat and slung it comfortably over one shoulder. [13]With a casual shuffle through
[This message has been edited by MarkJCherry (edited June 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 26, 2006).]
posted
I liked this new beginning better because the first one made me think: haven't I read this before? I have no problem with end-of-the-world stories, but I think you need to make it clear why this one is different. I could use a little more action too--he's not interesting in the sign, what is he interested in? Give me a reason to want to know more about Bren!
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Working on it. Right now, I'm letting the story work itself out. So far, been coming along great. I'll get back and give the opening a real fix, and let ya guys take a looksee.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I like it, the tempo is good, my two things, one has been pointed out already, that is the came into slowly view. The other is near the end when you say 'long ago, no one knows how long" you use the same word twice in one sentence. I would suggest a rewording such as, "Before, no one could say exactly how long ago..." Or Long ago, but no one knew the exact amount of time..." a little clunkier, but it sounds better.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
My only nit is that you might want to make this the third sentance:
quote: On the horizon, the blasted remains of a sky scraper crept slowly into view.
I was seeing the World Trade Center until I realized you were trying to set up a Mad Max type world. Just something to think about. I doubt I am the only one that the image if "blasted remains of a skyscraper" is going to have those connotations for. Having seen the Towers after they fell, the image is etched in my head so anything referring to "blasted skyscrapers" takes me to ground zero and I have to wrench myself away from the image.
Otherwise, I'd give the story a bit of time to see if it was just another Mad Max or something new.
posted
The second write up definately held my interest over the orginal post. I think cutting the history lesson and moving forward with Bren works. If you want to make us understand the world and it's history you already have a golden opportunity through your character. You stated that the inhabitants don't know how the cataclyse occurred. Use could use Bren or whoever else to unravel that mystery.
I also like the idea of old tech being magic. Gives a sense of history to the story.
I also agree with the gaggle of responses who said to plunge forward and not get caught up in the beginning.
One minor nitpick concerning the "cracked pavement of the highway". The word "pavement" insights a vision of a giant sidewalk, not of a highway.
Best of luck. Feel free to send it my way for a read.
posted
>>Otherwise, I'd give the story a bit of time to see if it was just another Mad Max or something new.
Hehe, far from actually - we'll see when we get there, but I'm not even really a fan of Mad Max. The real inspiration to the story is the game Fallout, though it's also not that world either. The character, through the course of the story, finds out what the cataclysm was, how it happened, and who did it. Then of course, there are those who already know this...and they don't want anyone else to now do they...hehe...
And thanks for the great suggestions, everyone! I didn't think about "cracked pavement of the highway" being sidewalk-esque, or the image of the Twins from the blasted skyscraper...I definately like how it looks when I switch the 2nd and 3rd sentances, and change "cracked pavement of the highway" to just "cracked highway."
posted
this would most likely keep my attention for at least the first chapter. its such a short piece that i think most people would have to read more.
the Earth Mother? that would definately make me curious as to what happened on Earth, whether it be this Earth or another which had adopted the same name, as i've seen in other stories.
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