posted
I don't expect this to be marvelous or anything. this is my first serious attempt at writing, so here goes-
Johannes had never seen anything like the man that was trudging across his field, sword across his back, wolf at his side. Johannes had seen those wild things before, but never like that, in the company of a man whe seemed at ease with it. The old man was tall, unkempt with a scar tearing across his left temple from his ear to the corner of his mouth, a momento of battles past. The man had a powerful presence about him, which frightened johannes, so used to seeing the degraded and despicable people of the time, worn from war and poverty. A low whistle told him he wasn't the only one watching the stranger.
just tell me if you wanted to read more. I don't have very much written, but i can e-mail about three pages, single-spaced. i write a little when i have time, but i hope to finish it within a year or two... if you want you can critique it as well. i'm gonna need all the help i can get.
posted
I wouldn't read on. Johannes sees a man walking; this doesn't interest me.
It *might* if it were a little easier to read. As it is, I don't get why Johannes is interested. (I'm also not sure where Johannes is, that is, how close.) Is he frightened that war is coming? Slightly curious about a man who has a pet wolf? Nostalgic? I'm not sure.
posted
My main problem with this story is why would you train a bunch of rig worker to be astronauts instead of training astronauts to be rig workers?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Because the drilling rig designed by Bruce Willis was so complex and sophisticated that the guys at NASA couldn't figure out how to make it work. Didn't you watch the movie? I wish I were so lucky.
All that aside, I don't think this opening is terrible. A little confusion over whether he's more interested in the man or the wolf. I suppose you want to say he's intrested in the combination of the two, but you don't quite make it. You also don't make the overall context sufficiently clear (basically, where Johannes is and where he's from). But most of the basics of POV and narrative seem to be okay.
posted
I like the scene you put together here. There are some rough points, but they don't obscure what you are saying. I wanted, we you first mentioned the wolf, to go, "Why does it always have to be wolves?" But you do a good job with that, and keep the wolf from becoming the focus, and my reaction changed to, "OK, well, wait and see what he does with the wolf later on." I'd just say you need to make sure and keep the wolf's role in things fresh and interesting.
I have a few nits:
I'd switch "that" in the first sentence into "who."
I'd say "Johannes had seen wolves before, but..." What you have there looks like you were trying to avoid repeating a variation of "wolf," but the repetition would read just fine, IMO.
The phrase, "...across his left temple from his ear to the corner of his mouth..." had me stopping to picture a face, and I wanted to change "temple" to "cheek".
I'd change "...so used to seeing...", and say "...accustomed to seeing..." (or even drop more of the phrase, and say "...which frightened Johannes, accustomed to the degraded...")
posted
It's a character opening, describing both the warrior and Johannes, and I thought it was okay. It's like Beowulf just strode into town -- even without an immediate hook, it makes you wonder what this guy's going to do. That said, there'd better be a "so what" soon to satisfy that curiosity.
Nit: when I read "The old man was tall", for just a fraction of a second I wasn't sure whether the "old man" was Johannes or the warrior. (I think it would have struck me as just as odd to say "the tall man was old.") Maybe that's just me, but you might consider putting the data point of his age somewhere else.
posted
I'm not a great fan of traditional fantasy, and this seemed to be of that genre (although that's not a given), however there was enough here for me to want to cary on reading especially with the last sentence that no-doubt begins the introduction of another character.
I agree with Novice's "who" suggestion but I'd change "was trudging" to "trudged", and I wasn't quite sure of the two "accross"s being so close.
"sword across his back". Was it a big sword, a two-handed sword. And if he was walking towards Johannes he'd probably only be able to see the handle, but that's being picky as "across" could mean diagonally, parallel with, in other words not specific.
"Johannes had seen those wild things before, but never like that, in the company of a man whe seemed at ease with it."
I'd probably cut that to "Johannes had seen them wild before, but never in the company of a man who seemed at ease with it." It'd be very tempting to leave in the "but never like that", but does it really improve on the effect?
I'd introduce the man as "old man" in the first sentence, and just keep it as "man" (take out old) in the third.
I always imagine the temple to be the forehead so I was confused by the description of the scar although I liked "tearing across".
"A momento of battles past."? We're still with Johannes, it's his impression not fact. I'm not sure I liked he presuming.
Remember though that whatever other people suggest it's your writing, your voice that you're trying to find. You might hate the way I write so my suggestions would be pointless to you.
posted
Johannes had never seen anything like the old man who was trudging across his field, sword across his back, wolf at his side. Johannes had seen wolves before, but never like that, in the company of a man whe seemed at ease with it. The man was tall, unkempt with a scar tearing across his left cheek from his ear to the corner of his mouth, appparently a memento of battles past. The man had a powerful presence about him, which frightened Johannes, so accustomed to the degraded and despicable people of the time, worn from war and poverty. A low whistle told him he wasn't the only one watching the stranger.
yes, there is something very soon to tie some things together, the line cutoff stopped me right at the end of the setup for what was my opening scene. i've decided to add a bit before this to help draw the reader in and introduce the "old man" a little better
and, yes, it is a fantacy book, but it isn't close to being finished. thanks for the help with everyything
[This message has been edited by Dead_Poet (edited August 07, 2006).]
posted
You've clarified the scene, but now the phrase "apparently a memento of battles past" offsets the feeling of mystery you are creating. I'd leave it out, and let the reader wonder if the wolf gave him the scar, or a battle, or if it is some kind of symbolic/ritual marking.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
The problem I have with this section is primarily one of plausibility. How does Johannes sees an old man walking across a field clearly enough to make out a scar on his cheek? If Johannes has a telescope or feild glass let me know that so I don't feel jolted by the details that follow.
If it were I, I would keep the description of the "old man" to only gross features at this point because Johnnes can't see the detail and focus on the wolf, which seems to be the thing that is currently attracting his attention. In fact I might cut the first line entirely and start with the perception of the wolf.
quote: Johannes had seen wolves before, but never like that, in the company of a man who seemed at ease with it. The man was tall and unkempt with a sword slung over his back. He had a powerful presence about him
. . . seems to flow better to me.
Nit - "he had a powerful presence" - always bothers me. Tell me why. Stands erect? Scans the area for others and his glances pauses on where Johannes is? What?
I would also hold off on the details about "the degraded and despicable people of the time, worn from war and poverty."
(edited for typo)
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 08, 2006).]
posted
Johannes had seen wolves before, but never like that, in the company of a man whe seemed at ease with it. The man was tall, unkempt with a bright scar tearing across his left cheek from his ear to the corner of his mouth. The man had a powerful presence about him; constantly looking around watching for danger, yet completely calm, which frightened Johannes. He wanted to yell out to the old man, but was too intrigued. He could hardly imagine the treasure such a man would hold, yet he could do nothing alone. A low whistle told him he wasn't the only one watching the stranger. No, he couldn't do anything alone, but with an ambush...
I think I like this better. it introduces the society he has to deal with better and sooner. I had it a little bit later, but now that i have more room, you can see why he's watching him.
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