Edit: I reread the 13 lines guidelines and realized I was counting the line breaks! So, here's the REAL first 13.

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I saved the world, once.

I stood in the half-glow of the water lights, hands pressed against the wide window pane. My whole being was focused in the room, on the person in the room. A woman, more shriveled than I, barely alive. I owed her everything.

“Dr. Karovin, the transport is waiting, sir.” I saw my assistant’s reflection in the glass, her hands knotted in front of her.

“The transport can wait.” The transport would wait. Indeed, if I told it to go to the moon and back it would, regardless of the impossibilities. It would go because I told it to.

“Dr. Karovin, we can’t delay—”

“I will be alone, Irina.”

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 01, 2007).]

If you would like to read it, do I email it to you? I'm guessing that's still not considered publishing and releasing to the public. Sorry, a bit new at this system here.

The MC/speaker is male.

He saved the world once, but that once wasn't now (this seemed a time-shift, saved the world once is past tense - I think it happened a while ago, but the next line talks about something that is recent past, right?)

His assistant is female, and concerned about that darn transport.

His assistant *isn't* the same being as the shriveled woman he owes everything to. Right?

So that seems weird, because "on the person in the room" - aren't there two people? Maybe not, maybe the female assistant is the shriveled one...

I like the pacing, I like the short sentences, that helps me feel right there in the moment. I'm just a wee bit confused. You'll have to weigh whether these points of confusion need to be addressed in the first 13, or whether you feel comfortable that you address them soon after (or, always possible, I'm the only one confused. )

As for emailing, correct - that's generally the protocol. You post your first 13, you ask for feedback, if you have a completed story you want full critiques of you ask for those, and then make arrangements to email off the manuscript to those who said they could help (usually you can find people's email addys by clicking on the pereson w/questionmark icon. I think you can also use the letter w/the lines flowing behind it - that probably sends a masked email to the user, useful for people who don't list their email addresses on their profiles.)

It's helpful if critiquers post their general impressions and any bullet point feedback here on this same thread, then we can all benefit from seeing what *kinds* of things people are noticing in the full text, however it's not OK to post the whole marked-up manuscript here. Seems to me that most people do the critique exchanges privately via email, but I wanted to mention this summary option, as it enables those who didn't have time (or think they had the skill) to critique the whole thing see what kinds of things critiquers notice in stories. By the way...if you read, you're capable of providing a critique. Sure, maybe your critique will be more focused on character development, who you cared about, storylines you had trouble following, etc. rather than sentence structure and detailed writing technique, but all of us could benefit from both types of critiques!

Hope this is helpful. I could give a shot at being a reader for you, 3k words sounds managable. Try out that letter icon to reach me, I don't currently list my email. I'm spam-phobic.

Oh, suggestion - when you email, let people know what you're comfortable with as far as critique. Many find it easiest to use "track changes" in MS Word and mark comments or suggested edits right inline with the text, while some writers are uncomfortable with that. Just let people know (or if you don't care if the feedback comes via carrier pigeon, say so!)

quote:

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I saved the world, once.

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I agree with KayTi about the short sentences and the pacing; reads very well.

The water lights are almost an unknown; I know they are dim and giving us what illumination we have, but I also don't know enough about the setting to tell why they are called "water" lights. What I know right now is that we have a shrivelled woman in a "room" with at least one large glass window, and Karovin is watching from the other side of the glass. Maybe their called water lights because the "room" is actually some sort of water tank. We need clarification of this right up front - you are setting the scene, and if the initial environment is unclear, you are setting us (the reader) up for visualizational whiplash (I think I just made that up). Our imagination is flying along with one image, then we are jarred to a stop when later information makes it clear that we were wrong. The only way we can fully recover from this is to wipe out initial impression from our minds and then re-read the portion where we were led astray, but we shouldn't have to (and most readers won't); one way or another it can really mess with your story's pacing.

Good. I'm curious.

>I stood in the half-glow of the water lights, hands pressed against the wide window pane. (SHOWING)

You start with a "telling" and then jump to a "showing" with no linkage

An example of sort of linkage I mean:

>>>
I saved the world, once.
But I regret it now, as I stared at the price I've paid.
I leaned against the wide window pane, my whole being was focused in the room, on the person in the room.
>>>

"half-glow of the water lights" IMO description by nullification "half-glow" is not as effective
as a positive description: "dim lights." "water lights" is confusing, save it for some location-phrase
with the assistant perhaps.

Hope that helps.

I'll have to think about the first three lines.

As far as the water lights...thanks for the clue-ins, I'll see if I can't find some way to clarify. Because I have a strong focus on the narrative style, my biggest issue has been exposition, and giving just the right amount at the right time without even touching the story's flow...

Do you mean that these people are in an air-filled dome underwater or that they are non-human or modified-human creatures that live in water and are currently in water inside the building?

If they are water creatures, the architecture might give it away--walls made or coral, panes of air instead of glass, something strange like that. Comment on the fins or the swimming movement of the assistant as she enters.

If they are humans that simply live under water, maybe the assistant can indicate this with the name of the currently-generic "transport." These are pretty pitiful examples, but "water car" or "sub-train" or something like that rather than the generic 'transport' would help clue us into the location.

Despite the naysayers, I think this opening works VERY strongly as a hook, simply because it does its job of interesting me in what's going to happen in the next thirteen lines.

That's all I need. That's ALL a hook needs to accomplish. I don't need to know in explicit detail what's going on. I ONLY need to be drawn in and interested. DONE!!

quote:

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I saved the world, once. This is a little confusing. How did he/she save the world? As a doctor? Cure a disease?.

I stood in the half-glow of the water lights, hands pressed against the wide window pane. My whole being was focused in the room, on the person in the room. A woman, more shriveled than I,[barely alive <---dying? I ask because of the last line.]. I owed her everything.

“Dr. Karovin, the transport is waiting, sir.” I saw my assistant’s reflection in the glass, her hands knotted in front of her. Is the assistant there, or on a video screen?

“The transport can wait.” The transport would wait. Indeed, if I told it to go to the moon and back[,] it would[, regardless of the impossibilities.do you need this?] It would go because I told it to.

“Dr. Karovin, we can’t delay—”

“I will be alone, Irina.” What are Dr. Karovin's emotions here?

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Most or all of your questions unfold shortly - the beginning here is merely setting the stage, and as such I'd be shooting myself in the foot if I divulged all this info in the first 13! The first line is the curiosity hook to drive most of the story, bits and pieces of which come together throughout. It's the arc that resolves the ending - I couldn't possibly divulge it here!

Here are some initial comments on the first 13 that I don't think have been pointed out yet.

I liked the first line because it definitely hooked me.

However, when I started reading the second line, I assumed that the MC (I actually pictured the MC as a woman and not a man) was telling me how - or at least hinting at it. Of course, I quickly learned otherwise, but it still threw me a bit and I had to start over with reading it. I don't know if you need to tell me how the MC saved the world right now, but I definitely need some sort of transition here if you are not going to.

"her hands knotted" this image stopped me. I wondered how someone's hands could knot. Is it from arthritis? Are is she just clenching her hands together? Since it pulled me out of the story, I had to go back to the beginning of the paragraph and start again.

The "I will be alone" part didn't feel natural to me. It seemed like a strange way of phrasing it. Why not just "I want to be alone"? Or even "Leave me alone"? While the use of "will" can be used imperatively, it is most often used to indicate future tense, as in I will be alone in the future. Which, obviously, does not fit the scene.

I liked the general tone and the flow. Keep up the good work.

I have some ideas now and am attempting a rewrite of the first section, although whether it will turn out better or worse still remains to be seen!