posted
Bryan was sweating profusely, because he had just finished eating a massive plate of spaghetti. His stomach pushed against his belt, and he leaned back in the chair and breathed out heavily. Bryan slid his hat back and wondered if he would be ready for the eating contest.
Bryan was the returning champion this year and there was a new challenger – Neville Hawkins. Bryan rested his head on his arms and his head felt like it was going to explode. His skin had become pasty white and his breathing shallow. Bryan was tired and thirsty.
“You ok champ”, asked his coach, Bill.
Bill was a tall lanky man and the complete opposite of Bryan. Bill went to the gym on a daily basis and avoided...
Is this story interesting - does it sound interesting? Bad beginning? Its finished for now, I am still mulling changes in my mind..if you want to read be my guest (I know there is grammatical errors).
posted
I don't feel hooked, yet. I didn't end the preview with any pressing questions. I know why he ate so much; I know why he's practicing for the contest. However, nothing really makes me yearn to know what happens. Is there an angle to the eating contest that might spark our interest?
Also, you may want to use more pronounces. If Bryan is the only male in the paragraph, using "he" is fine. I saw where this would help keep repetition of his name down in a few places.
Setting: we know he's eating, so he is somewhere people eat. A bit to give us a clue about the setting wouldn't hurt.
quote: Bryan was sweating profusely, because he had just finished eating a massive plate of spaghetti.
As far as I know, you don't need a comma in that sentence. You could either remove it or break it into two sentences. The comma threw me off a little.
Sliding his hat back: it doesn't tell us much, but it does show something of what he's feeling, that worn-out kind of feeling. I would see if it could be removed without hurting the story. It's a short story, so efficiency can be important. (This isn't a critical point by any means. I'm just thinking about things that might help.)
quote: Bryan was tired and thirsty.
You've shown us tired by his actions. I don't think you need to tell us at this point. Thirsty, I would remove too, if I were writing it, unless thirst is critical to the story. You did a good job of showing us how he felt, so this feels like extra baggage, to me.
posted
Ditto what lehollis says. There's a few funny cases of commas. I'm not sure why I should care about this guy. If the whole tension is whether he'll win an eating contest - well, ick. Not my thing. I wouldn't read further. If, instead, there's some more to the story like the Evil Robot Monkey demonic possession of the challenger, Neville Hawkins, well - that's maybe a bit more interesting.
definitely too many Bryan's in here. Until the 4th line, there's no other character mentioned, so you can get away with one mention of char's name and all pronouns. After that, one restatement of the char's name after each new introduced char (neville, bill) would probably be sufficient to tell us that you're back to talking about Bryan.
The first line could be two sentences. Bryan was sweating profusely. Or, come up with a more colorful way to state that. Bryan's brow glistened with sweat. He had just finished eating a massive plate of spaghetti. His stomach - stronger word - how about strained against his belf. Leaning back in his chair, he breathed out heavily. (I switched the order of the words around in this sentence to add interest.)
posted
His heart is about to quit, and he knows it. The only source of positive attention he recieves is at the contest - he needs the adulation and he doesn't care about the result. Bill his coach, has financial concerns - he owes money - so Brian's health is second..
I think I should have started with his telephone conversation with his mother...I will post that later and see what you guys think.
posted
I agree with pretty much everything everybody has said. The first sentence is definitely the weakest. “Sweating profusely” isn’t terribly strong, and the word “because” means you’re explaining the story to me in the first sentence, instead of showing it to me. I would take out “because” and start a new sentence with “He had just finished.” I think that solves the problem.
I’m not particularly hooked. A guy is struggling to win an eating contest and maintain his championship title. I need to know something else about Bill or Bryan, or at least have a hint that there’s something deeper going on here.
What kind of story is this? Am I supposed to feel sorry for Bryan, feel disgusted by him (that’s what I mainly feel reading this first draft), or root for him? Am I supposed to take this eating contest seriously, (which I won’t, unless I know there’s something deeper going on with the characters) or am I supposed to find it ridiculous (which is how I feel now, without knowing anything else about the story.)
I know I haven’t really said anything new. But hopefully I’ve reinforced some things.
Definitely post the new version. What you just told us about Bill and Bryan was intriguing- if you can put at least a hint of one of those ideas into the beginning, I would probably be hooked.
posted
I've broken into a sweat eating lots before, but it was usually hot food on a hot day or something.
So, he's sweating like that because his heart is about to quit? You may have a hook, there. However, the story states he's sweating profusely because he just ate a lot of food. If you mean he's having a heart attack, maybe you could hook the readers by saying he's sweating, and he's wondering what's going on. Include a few other symptoms and have his concern grow a little, but then he tries to pass it off as nothing when his coach talks to him?
At any rate, I think the idea of a person in this eating contest for attention who is about to have a heart attack could be a good hook.
posted
“You ok champ”, asked Bill, Bryan looked sick. There was dark circles under his eyes,and his skin was blotchy.
Bill was a tall lanky man and the complete opposite of Bryan. Bill went to the gym on a daily basis and avoided high fats. However, there was money to make this year and Bill needed the prize money to pay off an outstanding debt. He hoped that Bryan had indigestion or heartburn, or nothing that would stop him from competing.
“Yeh, just feel a little light-headed Bill,” said Bryan, he shifted his head so he could see Bill, and “maybe that’s enough for today Bill”
“Yeah” Bill was concerned, and he began to think that Bryan was seriously sick, “Maybe you should see a doctor before the
Starts off right away...and then Bryan's phone rings - its his Mom...
better?
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited June 13, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 13, 2007).]
posted
Unless it's part of Bryan's character to say "Bill" a lot. Like, if he's sort of socially awkward, but really admires Bill and craves his praise.
By the way, in one of Orson Scott Card's writing lessons, he says one of his personal rules is to never have two characters with names that start with the same letter in one novel. I think this is probably even more important in a short story. Your choice, of course, but if I were you, I'd change a name.
posted
I would also maybe move the paragraph describing Bill. Perhaps out of the first 13, and (in my opinion) to a place immediately after Bill either speaks or does something. I know that's technically true with what you've got already, but since you break it up by describing Bryan's sickliness, it feels like I think what is called an "info dump" around here. Just a suggestion though.
[This message has been edited by bean carter (edited June 13, 2007).]
It sounds like you are in Bill's but it's very detached. If Bill needs the money to pay off a debt he's going to focus on getting Bryan to compete and make the money. Try to get into his head more.
Ex: he might think something like: My life's dependant on how many hot dogs this fat slob can eat in 30 minutes and he looks like he's going to puke after only 10 of them. S#$%t, I'm F-ed.
With that I know the stakes, Bryan is a competition eater, and Bill's attitude towards him.
I agree the Bill/Bryan is going to get tough to read after a while.
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