posted
“Anything else I can do for you, Caspian?” Azun had a wide smile on his fat, glistening face. He always smiled when he knew he was getting a good deal. Caspian leaned casually against the counter. “Well, now you ask, there is. The woman who spends every day out on the cliff-tops, pale skin, hair a mass of red curls.” Caspian could picture the woman as he described her, a pale, haunted face as she stood on the cliff's edge, wind whipping through her red hair, black skirts wrapping around her legs. He tried to keep his face expressionless. “You know her?” Azun was sweeping fat golden coins from the counter into a black velvet purse but at the mention of the woman on the cliff he paused, looking at Caspian with a sad smile, his cheeks
I retreated back to Fantasy for this one. The entire thing is about 5800 if anybody wants to take a look at it. Thanks
posted
You've set up a really intriguing opening image of the woman. That definitely hooked me. I have reservations about starting with dialogue, though it moves along pretty quickly. It's enough to make me want to read on. Unfortunately, I can't right this minute--I realized I'm doing too many crits and not enough writing of my own! Besides that, you might want another opinion than mine, since I've already critted several of your stories. But I wanted to let you know that it hooked me.
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posted
Lots of good color words. "fat, glistening face" was off-putting, I'm not sure why, and "whipping through her red hair, black skirts wrapping" -- the whipping/wrapping stopped me, and I had to go back and read it over.
I'll be glad to give it a read.
Note that when the C. S. Lewis movie about Prince Caspian comes out, naming a character Caspian is going to be like naming a character Frodo.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited August 30, 2007).]
posted
It has my interest. I especially like the title. Just some nitpicks:
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Caspian leaned casually against the counter. “Well, now [that] you ask, there is. The woman who spends every day out on the cliff-tops, pale skin, hair a mass of red curls.”"hair a mass of red curls" is fine if Caspian is meant to be a poetic kind of character, but people do not normally speak this way. Caspian could picture the woman as he described her, a pale, haunted face as she stood on the cliff's edge, wind whipping through her red hair, black skirts wrapping around her legs. We already know that (1) her skin is pale (2) she stood on the clifftops and (3) her hair is red; all this information is repeated in this sentence. We can already picture all this fine from his first description, so we only need information not supplied by the dialogue.
posted
Thanks for letting me know it hooked you anyway, Anne - that's always a good sign!
And, yeah, it can be tough finding the time to fit it all in, twice this week my wife has come in from work to find me asleep at my desk How interesting my new one must be if I'm falling asleep writing it!
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