posted
Sunlight streams in through the glass block window. There are three small drops of blood on the floor. Mine. My nose has started to bleed again. The bleach is so caustic; the fumes have shredded the inside of my nostrils. It only takes a few seconds of cleaning now, before it starts to bleed. Nothing to do about it though, floor’s got to be clean. Here I sit in the middle of my bathroom, naked and surrounded by bleach. And I scrub. Over the same areas you cleaned just a few hours ago, Greta. I bought all these new toothbrushes and showed you where I keep them. And you looked at me. You finished your work, I pressed a check into your hand and you scurried out the door. You won’t use them. I have to. It only takes seven, maybe ten or so to finish this floor. Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
The first sentence seems a little weak compared to the rest, I thought if you cut this then "There are three small drops of blood on the floor." would be a lot more of an effective opening.
The thing that bothered me most was the fact that his nose is bleeding all over the floor but he thinks "nothing to do about it though. Floor's got to be clean." If he is so bothered about the floor being clean then wouldn't he do something about his nose?
As it stands, I like the writing style, nice punchy sentences, but I can't really see a hook at the moment. I'd probably read on though, trusting that you'd reveal more pretty soon.
posted
Thanks for the quick feedback. I see what you mean about the first sentence. I'm just crazy about glass block-go figure! This is a piece that's about 1700 words and, hopefully, the reason for OCD comes through.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I guess I need to elaborate a little more. It's a wife and mom who feels threatened for her family by the outside world and she compensates the only way she knows how, by keeping their world clean. The aoldest daughter ws attacked at school, the youngest daughter has learning disabilities and the father has a crappy job. It's a fluffy musical!!
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Interesting that the two respondents so far have not noticed that your MC is a woman. I think that addressing this to Greta maybe part of the confusion, though I recognize it as a mom giving her cleaning lady a check...(then again, you could add a bit of interest by paying her with cash since Greta is undocumented...)
I wonder about the point of using Greta as the frame for the story. Is she at all important, other than the mom redoes the work Greta does? One of my issues w/first person is that the author often doesn't have a reason to be telling the story (or makes up a flimsy one, not that Greta is a flimsy one, we don't know enough of the story to know that yet.)
Is there a compelling reason to tell this story in first person? I had a bit of feeling like the author was too apparent in the story. Why is the MC explaining this all? It just seemed a little too artificial. Many of those issues would go away in third person, focused on MC's point of view, I think (though I am not an expert by far.)
I think it's a great concept, and the writing here is solid. Someone else said punchy sentences, they move quickly. And there's great emphasis in short ones like "And I scrub." - very poignant.
Just some thoughts. Bear in mind I generally don't prefer first person so it's a personal bias of mine too.
posted
KayTi, it's interesting that you assume it's a woman. The thought had crossed my mind, but two of the three fictional OCD characters I can think of are male: Monk (from the TV show) and the con artist from Eric Garcia's Matchstick Men. The girl from Xenocide is the only other I know. So while I recognized that the character could be female, there's nothing that definitely indicates that she's not male.
Shows how important gender indications can be.
EDIT: come to think of it, it also shows how powerful the first person can be. The pull to think of him/her as my gender was stronger than the cultural norm of a woman handing the cleaning lady a check.
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 05, 2007).]
posted
I wrote this story originally in third person but it is so definitely the MC's story,it is her and it is personal, from her head. It couldn't be told any other way. I suppose the kernel of the story isn't necessarily gender specific, but the concept I began with was always from a female perspective-a female 'circling of the wagons'.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
That's funny, oliverhouse. The pull of identifying with the MC!
Dmorris - I see your point about having a compelling reason to have it in first person. Then perhaps it's worth considering whether Greta is needed as a frame? The MC could still be doing all the talking/narrating in first person, but not referring to Greta as "you" - e.g., "Over the same areas Greta just cleaned a few hours ago. I bought all these new toothbrushes and showed her exactly where I keep them. And she looked at me. Greta finished her work, I gave her the stinking check, and she scurried out the door." (I threw in some other stuff to try to imitate the passion you get from the idea of talking directly to another person.)
posted
Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets". He was also a writer
Also, you could fix the nosebleed thing by having s/he wear those paper painter's masks, and have to constantly changing it because it's got blood on it.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 06, 2007).]
posted
I have to say that this scene isn't indicative of the whole story except as a way to set the stage and set the mood. Greta isn't a character as such, just one of the devices for me to establish the character of the MC who is the one cleaning the floor. In the same respect, the blood isn't that big a deal either. I wanted to write a short short story and use the symbolism of this vignette to establish a setting and all in fewer words and as a different device than just describing the MC and her life. It is an exercise in trying to tell the story in a different way with only 1700+ words. My stories are more like slice of life things rather than the traditional arc of conflict and resolution. Although these exist, they aren't always action packed. Does this make sense to anyone but me? Perhaps reading the whole thing would make it clearer.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
That sounds like a call for readers if ever I heard one! I'd be glad to, but I just found out that phone service at the new place wont be on till 9/13. I'm already going through withdrawal. if you're not in a rush, feel free.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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The pull of identifying with the MC!
