Does my confusion make sense? I think there's an easy way to fix it, if you agree it's potentially confusing. You could add "The first time...he heard about the Temple..." or something along those lines. You could introduce Stephen with a different sentence, then use the pronoun "he" in this one, which would I think eliminate the confusion.

I will (as a reader) want to know if the place Stephen lives now is Harrion (the place where the men from the governor's office came), or if this next paragraph is taking us in a new direction.

I think you could strenghten up the line "governor's office came and told everybody that they would have to move" by maybe referring to the village or characterizing the "everybody" a bit more...or using it as an opportunity to get into Stephen's head and make some observations from his POV. "and told the whole village they'd have to move." or "and told Stephen, Mena, and the other dozen settlers who had come there with them..." "and told all the settlers, even the dirt poor ones like Stephen and Mena" See what I mean?

My first impression was that the first paragraph was a little redundant. We get that it's old. Of course, in retrospect, it's not terrible. That was my first impression on a read through.

The line about the men from the Governor's office is throwing me off a little. Did the villagers really build their village recently? That's kind of how the sentence reads. The Governor's men would probably be a little more cryptic about why they had to move, or they would speak in a more indirect manner, something like "this village must be evacuated" without personalizing the issue by saying "you built this village here, and now we need to move it."

The third paragraph is getting a little thick with info. Stephen we know. That's alright. Who is Mena? His wife? His friend? His dog? Is Harrion the homeworld of the Lijarin? Is Harrion the sentient alien species, or is that still the Lijarin? When you start dumping a whole metric buttload of information into the third paragraph, we start to lose clarity.

Actually, all three paragraphs don't seem to have anything to do with one another. I understand that the first is setting the scene a little bit, and the second continues it somewhat, but the third takes us somewhere else entirely.

I think a good suggestion would be to slow down a little bit and regain your focus. What story are you actually telling us? The story of the temple? Stephen's story about the temple? Stephen's story about travelling in space? The travels of Stephen and his dog/wife/best friend?

There's a nugget of an idea here. Sharpen it up and it'll gleam, I'm sure.

There are so many questions raised in this short little bit, that I don't have confidence you will answer in just 3600 words. So, I am worried and taken out of the story by that.

Figure out what type of story this is, and then deliver on that.

You could have 4 or 5 different stories from just this one little start.

Good luck,

You could have 4 or 5 different stories from just this one little start."

________

But when I had absorbed the rest, and connected the three paras in my mind, I decided the Temple is probably on Harrion and had been built there by the Lijarin. If this is the case, then that first para only tells us that it's really, really old; the mentions of Stonehenge and Copernicus are no more than reference points for extreme age.

For me the first para sketches an Earth-bound atmosphere of wind-swept old stone, brass telescopes and an ancient temple, yet it seems not to be relevant: that's disappointing because I thought the story would somehow delve into Stonehenge's history and for me that would have been a great read.

The narrator apparently knows the Temple's age and location; if that is so please tell us it's on Harrion (if that's where it is), don't withold.

Then again, perhaps the story should just start with 'The first Stephen Gerun knew ...' especially if he's the POV character.

I guess the real hook is just coming, and it's about whatever the alien species left behind. I'm curious, but not yet hooked.