This is my IMR piece, so those that discussed that topic, I would love to get your feedback.
Anyhow, here is the first 13. (Also, I am not happy with the last sentence in this 13, so any suggestions?)

quote:

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Her thin dress covered her knees, a pointless barrier over a fetal embrace.

She was shivering when Brad saw her. Curled up in the corner of the stark ship's hallway, she had found a mop to insulate her from the chilly floors. Blond hair covered her pale face, and tears left clean stains down her cheeks. She was four, perhaps even three years of age.

Through a tipsy haze, Brad sat down next to her and threw his coat around her shoulders. A fresh set of tears formed as she snuggled in to his side. Brad was rattled by her immediate trust, not quite knowing what was appropriate in this situation.

---

"Stark ship" didn't really work for me - the entire ship was stark? What kind of ship is it? I wasn't sure if it was a spaceship or what, or why it was so stark. I think for now I'd just like a quick description of the corridor they're in, just so I can picture where the girl is.

I couldn't understand what the girl was doing with the mop either. Was she laying on it? I'd think a soggy, dirty mop was a lot more unpleasant than a cold floor, but then I might be misreading that part.

"Blond hair covered her pale face" - the next statement described the tracks of tears down her face, which seemed to violate the POV. Also, "tears left clean stains down her cheeks" suggests her face is grimy with dirt, but her face has already been described as pale.

As for the last sentence, I'd prefer "shaken" to rattled, maybe "Brad was shaken by her immediate trust." And leave it at that as the latter part of the sentence is suggested in the fact that he is shaken/rattled.

Edited to offer to read the whole thing

The last line is fine, but here are some alternatives:

Brad was rattled by her immediate trust, but did not hesitate to help such a desperate child.

or similarly:

Brad was rattled by her immediate trust, but was not tentative with this desperate child.

troubled could be substituted for desperate.

I couldn't think of a phrasing that had the same meaning without requiring negative wording. Maybe someone else will.

I struggled for a moment with the mop, until I realised this was a small person. But I still wondered about its size, comfort, what she did with the stick ... Maybe something other than a mop? -- Although you're right, kids grab the oddest things for comfort. Maybe introduce these details the other way around so that we build a consisent picture in our minds without having to redo?

quote:

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Her[Who?] thin dress covered her knees, a pointless barrier over a fetal embrace.<--[What?]

She was shivering when Brad saw her.[Oh. She's not named because this isn't her PoV.] Curled up in the corner of the stark ship's hallway, she had found a mop to insulate her from the chilly floors.[Huh? I thought this was Brad's PoV.] Blond hair covered her pale face, and tears left clean stains down her cheeks. She was four, perhaps even three years of age.[Huh? Now the first sentence is really confusing.]

Through a tipsy haze,<--[Huh? How do you sit down through a tipsy haze? Who has a tipsy haze? If Brad, why?] Brad sat down next to her and threw his coat around her shoulders. A fresh set of tears formed as she snuggled in to his side. Brad was rattled by her immediate trust, not quite knowing what was appropriate in this situation.

---

I had to work through that. It confused more than interested me.

What I know from this:

• They're on a ship.
• She's three or four yers old.
• She has blond hair.
• His name is Brad.
  

What I should know:

• Whose PoV it is.
• Why Brad is in a "tipsy haze".
• Why I should read on.
  

Example:
Brad was drunk and stumbling back to his cabin when he saw the little blond girl. She was only three -- at most four -- and wearing a dress that was almost diaphanous. She had curled up on a mop in the ship's main corridor and burried her face. The little girl sobbed when Brad squatted down and covered her with his coat. He lost balance and fell on his rear. The girls smiled, lifting tear-soaked cheeks, and cuddled up to him. Rattled by her trusting innocence, Brad was dumbfounded. Then he saw a larg bruise on her jaw.

"Who did that to you?" Brad asked. He had to squint to keep her in focus.

And what do you mean by 'fetal embrace'? What is she embracing? Do you just mean that she's curled up in a fetal position?

IB made some good points about improving the first thirteen. I'll just give my view of how it should start:

"The girl was shivering when Brad first saw her. The thin dress barely covered her to her knees, a pointless barrier against the cold."

I don't know if from here you're going to need to flashback to explain why the girl is on the floor in the hall. I suggest thinking of other description than a flimsy dress, unless you rearrange to mention the girl's age first. It made for a very unfortunate cognitive dissonance in me when I realized that no, it wasn't an adult/fully grown woman curled in a corner of a hall, but a small girl. The flimsy dress = instant sexual connotation. If you don't intend that, dress her in something else. Lightweight pants and a tee would do. Pajamas would be another thing that can make one think of lightweight/not warm (just don't make them the fuzzy zippered footed kind.) If you do intend that, well, ok. Your story. (I have issues, but that's me. LOL)

Thanks also for the comments on the first 13. I did wonder about the mop, although I was trying to show some quirkyness that kids have. It didn't work as well as I hoped - such is life and learning to write. Also, good point re: flimsy dress. It is the cold I was after, with the girl dressed in a way that did not account for the relatively sudden change in temperature. But this didn't seem to come across as well as it should, and alternative connotations seemed to have crept in/been strengthened during some last minute alterations of the 13.

You can just say it outright, IMHO.