posted
Well I am still coming down off the buzz I got from being in this years Boot Camp with Scott Card and the rest of the wonderful group and decided to submit my workshop story, now polished and cleaned (thanks everyone!). It's already off in the mail but am open to feedback so that when I get the little rejection notice I can submit it again (and again ad nauseum):
In all the world, Ratoncito Perez was the strongest man in his lifetime. He was born into a sort of half life, neither youngest nor oldest in a large family, living in poverty but not squalor in the no-man’s land between city, suburbs and slums, and so went mostly unnoticed. He was raised almost by default, getting enough to survive but being given responsibility for the younger ones early in his life especially as it was realized that he had incredible strength. By the time he was three years old, he was bending bars of steel, could break heavy wooden planks and lift at least three times his own weight. He never took advantage of his strength but it was
posted
Ha ha, a story about Ratoncito Perez. I just had to coment on this one. Yeah, I can totally see a mouse being brought up by default. That's genious. Are you going to reveal his mousiness to non-Spanish background readers or are you just leaving it as an in joke?
quote:He was raised almost by default, getting enough to survive but being given responsibility for the younger ones early in his life especially as it was realized that he had incredible strength.
This phrase didn't work for me. Part of it is the passive of "as it was realized" ("as his parents realized" might be better). Part is that there are too many different concepts for a single phrase. Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
It seems to me you are trying-to-cram-as-much-into-the-first-thirteen-lines-as-you-possibly-can. I think you need to loosen up a little, be more of a storyteller. Also, I suggest beginning the story when something happens, but I'm sure you've heard that before. Notice that Ender's Game does not begin, "Ender Wiggins was the smartest kid in the world in his lifetime." It begins, "I've watched through his eyes, I've listened through his ears, and I tell you, he's the one."
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
The Tooth-Fairy, eh? This doesn't look like it's about a giant mouse...
Oh, well, story-wise, here's my My take:
quote: In all the world, Ratoncito Perez was the strongest man in his lifetime. He was born into a sort of half[-] life, neither youngest nor oldest in a large family,[<--Suggest separating these two thoughts into separate sentences.-->[ living in poverty but not squalor[,] in the no-man’s land between city, suburbs and slums, and so went mostly unnoticed. [He was raised almost by default, getting enough to survive but being given responsibility for the younger ones early in his life especially as it was realized that he had incredible strength.<--[I agree that this is a clinky sentence. I think three different thought are jammed together in this.] By the time he was three years old, he was bending bars of steel, [could break heavy wooden planks<--[This, I think, is overkill.] and [could] lift at least three times his own weight. He never took advantage of his strength[,] but it was
It sounds a little info-dump-ish.
Where is the PoV? Where is the Characterization? What time period? What Genre? What is the "conflict"?
I take it, since you say he is the strongest man, you're not referring to the mouse -- or is he a were-mouse?
posted
Not a lot to hook me here. You've got three paragraphs, written in an expository tone, telling us that he was super strong, and precious little else. There's no indication of story or even of personality.
Unfortunately, the fact that he's the strongest man doesn't do a whole lot for me, not even coupled with his somewhat average upbringing. It makes me think of Superman who, except for being an alien, was raised as ordinary boy Clark Kent in Smallville. I'd lost interest by the second paragraph. By the third, I was looking for a break from the expository tone, but the start of it didn't look very promising.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 15, 2007).]
posted
This could be a story about a little mouse (ratoncito), with the bars of steel part of a birdcage, etc. I'm not bothered by referring to the mouse as a "man" or, better, "person." This has been done before for sentient animals, such as in ********
(I decided to leave my example out, since it is something of a spoiler, in this case, to mention the title. That the people are animals is cleverly disguised for quite a long time in the novel. I'm ashamed to admit I was totally suckered, but I read little fantasy.)
However, I agree with the others that the first-13 needs a stronger kick to get the story going. But I think it would be worth it to work it out; it could be a very good story.
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