posted
This is the first 13 of a 7500 wd first draft. The story is a mash up of SF/hardboiled detective and vampire fiction. While the intro is very narrated the POV becomes centered on the MC a few lines after the first 13. ________________________________________________________________ On the empty streets of Darkside City, on the eternally dark side of mining asteroid SDS721, a tall solidly built man in a long duster coat walked in a false dawn. He moved with the ease and calm of a man in his own surroundings. Everyone called the man Marshal, and if he had any other name no one on the streets remembered it. The name was not a title, but it was an apt label, especially in the red light district where he was often called upon to keep peace among its denizens. Marshal paused on the street corner to watch an old man use a pass key to open the newspaper box, remove yesterday’s papers and refill it. Marshal watched him amble away then glanced at the headlines :DEATH WATCH RESUMES AS DON KARL IV SLIPS INTO COMA. _________________________________________________________________ Any comments or offers to read would be appreciated. oops, had to disable smileys
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 22, 2008).]
posted
This is my first comment here so please correct me if i do something wrong. Anyway. This might just be me, but I wondered how there come to be atmosphere and a city on a mining asteroid.
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ok, but why did they build a city there in the first place? Might have nothing to do with the story but I'm wondering anyway Posts: 25 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I felt the first two paragraphs were info-dumpy. "Darkside City" sounds a bit B-movie-ish to me. Nor do I see a conflict coming, except in that this guy is a vigilante. But I think I need a bit more--the vigilante hero is pretty common. What makes this one unique? The headline inspired a blip of interest, but I don't have enough information to gage its significance.
My suggestion: Cut the first two paragraphs and use the extra room on the first page to move the story forward.
On a minor note, I have to wonder about newspapers in a mining colony on an asteroid.
I'd be happy to read--I won't be able to get it back to you probably until this weekend, though.
posted
I agree with Anne - start with the focus on the main character. The first thirteen now contains a lot of telling without showing, which causes me to lose interest. Still, I like me a good vampire story, so send it along.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
I too have problems with what I assume to be printed-on-paper (or some other substance) newspapers on a resource poor asteroid.
Could he open the kiosk and take out the ...hard drive? USB type something? and replace it with today's? Though it seems odd that something like that couldn't be done at a distance...hmmm.
What you want is just some everyday activity, I assume. So, what would need that? Trash collection. People will be pigs even out in the asteroids and I can easily imagine someone coming to clean up the street/corridor in the early morning. Or food delivery. Or something else, but not hot off the presses newspapers.
Bank refilling an ATM...but would they use hard currency out there rather than credit cards?
What other early morning public tasks could they have?
posted
Um... I work for a newspaper, and it's one of the biggest controversies in the industry that eventually print newspapers will go away to be replaced with online versions. I can't accept that a futuristic, science-fiction world will have newspaper boxes for print newspapers... it's jerking me right out of the world you are trying to build. You need to come up with a completely different analogy. I can't get past this one. Try having the MC look up to see a digital marquee, sort of like the one they have at Times Square... info-vids with ads and the benevolent dictator showing on them. The future will be information streaming, interactive, and downloadable... probably into a chip in our brains.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
UM... Thanks for the advice. I guess my age is showing with these kinds of goofs. The story has a quasi-nostalgic retro feel probably brought about by my listening to a lot of stupid Old Radio Programs (I can't help myself)during the first stages of my writing it. Maybe I'll lose the paper in later drafts-- I do like the times square marquee idea so we'll see. Posts: 340 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's not just the newspapers. We're on an asteroid, where gravity is low, so "walked" is surely not the right word for how he moves. It's eternally dark, so how can there be a dawn? And what's a "false dawn"?
"and if he had any other name no one on the streets remembered it. The name was not a title, but it was an apt label"--For me, too many words about his name, title, label--it destroys the motion in the scene with the walking, and all I get from it is that he's "Marshal".
As someone else remarked, he's walking on an asteroid so where's the atmosphere? Telling us there are domes, outside the first 13, doesn't help build the picture at the start, so in my mind I have a man in a duster walking--doing long low-gravity bounds more likely--on a lump of rock in a vacuum, and there are newspapers! It gives me a feeling that the author has not really thought this setting through--which does not encourage me to read on, sorry.
(By the way, is it likely that an asteroid would not rotate at all and thus be eternally dark? I thought they all spun, crazily.)
I'd suggest hinting at the dome in the first 13 by telling us what the horizon looks like--distorted by the curve of the dome, perhaps--instead of the bit about the false dawn. Tell us how he moves, maybe with the duster billowing behind him as he leaps in the low gravity from one spot to another. Possibly give the duster a red silk lining to hint at the vampires to come. And please, do lose the newspapers--unless it's a hologram of a newspaper box ...
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 23, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 23, 2008).]
posted
Here is a revision that takes many of your comments into consideration. ________________________________________________________________ On the empty streets of Darkside City, on the eternally dark side of the Kuiper belt planetoid, SDS721, a tall solidly built man in a long duster coat walked in an artificial dawn. He moved with the ease and calm of a man in his own surroundings. Everyone called the man Marshal, and if he had any other name no one on the streets remembered it. Marshal paused on the corner to watch the scrolling newswire marquee. He outwaited the sports scores from the inner system and watched the local headlines scroll by :DEATH WATCH RESUMES AS DON KARL IV SLIPS INTO COMA.-- TWELFTH BLEEDING MURDER HAS SAME M.O. AS OTHERS-- Nothing breaking, he thought; he continued on.
stupid smilies
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 24, 2008).]
1) I agree that the start did feel a bit "info-dumpy".
2) Your style is rambling, your sentences run-on (not necessarily a problem), and the narrative has a sort of drawling feel to it. Perhaps it was this, combined with the conotation that "Marshall" carries, that made me feel I was reading the intro to a space western. You did not mention westerns as part of the mash-up, so I am not sure it was intentional.
3) I was not bothered by the existence of the newspaper, but this was possibly because I was in a western frame of mind. Even so, there are people who swear they will never buy electronic books, probably others who feel the same way about electronic news, and everything comes back eventually (vinyl records are on the rise again?). If you want paper, have it.
4) I am hooked and would read further - but I can't volunteer right now - too many other commitments.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited January 25, 2008).]
posted
It's better. I think for me now the biggest problem is the hook. It seems like the hook is either Don Karl IV slipping into a coma, or the murder--but since I don't know who Don Karl is, or who was murdered, and Marshal doesn't seem bothered, the hook dissolves leaving me mildly curious, but not hooked. I don't see a problem or a conflict, just hints.
BTW for us Brits "bleeding" is a (mild) cuss word, so "twelfth bleeding murder" could sound odd.
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 25, 2008).]
posted
He moved with the ease and calm of a man in his own surroundings. Aren't we all in our own surroundings? I think you want some sort of modifier there
I wouldn't mind reading the rest of it, if you need reader's send it along.
posted
Kuiper belt objects are just too far away to be tidally locked. However, that's not a real problem if you want it to be always dark: at that distance, the sunside is going to be dark, too. The sun won't be more than a very bright star.
If it's really important that one side be dark and the other not, your best bet would be for humans to have deliberately synchronized the rotation of this rock (probably in the asteroid belt) with its orbit. Though I don't know why they'd do that.
posted
SMNCAMERON: We are not always in our own surroundings. A lion is not truly a lion in the zoo. An Amish woman on the streets of East L.A. would not likely move with ease. A nudist is not at ease on a crowded street. I meant to convey an attitude of comfort in the current surroundings that he inhabits. Marshal is at home on the streets of Darkside City. I will look again at that to be sure that it is clear. Thanks for your comment
Rickfisher: Thanks for the heads up on Kuiper objects. I do want to keep the Darkside pointed away from the sun for the Vampires sake. So I'll work something out. Maybe an ancient asteroid collision slowed the planetoid's spin to a tidal lock position or something like that.
No Time: I did not mention western in the mash up, but it was there to begin with. Marshal was originally "The Sheriff", but I found that too cumbersome in the end. (It did make more sense with the street name sentence though...guess I should kill that darling)
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 30, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
