~

This is a short story of 7000 words in almost-final draft. I'm looking for some new critiquers to tell me how it hangs together as a whole, thematically and just in terms of story. Everyone who's read it before comes to it with all the other information that I've taken out, now.

Any short notes on ways to bring the tension to the fore more quickly are welcome, but the style of this story is a little bit less action-focused, and it's pacing and diction are purposefully more Victorian.

Here are some specific thoughts I had along the way:

Jen meant to go with the wagon to get her father. When the harbor bell rang so early in the day, however, there was no time for her to dress to go out as well as neaten the library.

It feels like there is a good hook hidden in these first two sentences. It's immediate conflict (Jen unable to go to her father) but there isn't a feeling behind it for me to embrace it. Is this a typical errand? Is she excited? The second sentence is very long and winding with oddly repeating words... "to dress to" & "as well as" - I got caught up in them.

She only remembered it

What is "it" referring to? The wagon? The library? Her father returning?

She only remembered it when peals had filled the town's streets. She had to send the boy on without her.

I don't know what a peal is... I'm unsure as to whether or not it's a made-up word, or just a word that I don't know.

At the very first knock at the door she went flying to answer it as if she were a maid, and not the lady of the house.

This is my very favorite sentence in the whole 13 because it's a unique action that gives important information about Jen and also shows her feelings and motivations. She IS excited about her father coming! I wouldn't have guessed that by the introduction, where it seemed like cleaning the library was more important to her than getting her father.

The sudden light of it opening was almost painful.

This seems like an unnecessary description; it takes away from Jen's urgency to describe an unimportant element.

Instead of her father and his pudgy, whiskered smile, a midshipman waited with the boy. He held out a letter.

This feels strange because it goes from describing an expected particular facial feature, to describing an entire man in that feature's place. It's like saying "instead of the tree and its high eagle nest, a squirrel stood by the lake." What is the midshipman's mouth doing? "Instead of her father's pudgy, whiskered smile, a midshipman's bare frown greeted her."

As she took it, he turned away to carry in the one trunk in the wagon

In my mind, she's in the middle of taking it when the guy turns away, with the letter still in his hand, and simultaneously carries the trunk inside. Have her take it, and then have him move instead of wording them like they're happening at the same time. "She took it and he turned away to grab the only trunk in the wagon - "

- a green one father always set aside just for her. Trying not to panic, she stepped back into the hall, ripping the page a little to open the seal without her knife.

"set aside just for her" is ambiguous... does it mean he always has it with him? That it's been in a bank vault? You could be mysterious about it so that the ambiguousness becomes interesting... "he turned away to grab the only thing in the wagon - the green trunk. She stepped back, trying not to panic at the sight of it." THAT sentence makes me want to read on - What's in the trunk? What does its presence mean? Instead of assuming that it's filled with a mystery about her dead father, I have no assumptions about it, except that it causes panic.

Thanks for your notes on what is confusing. This has been completely reworked from a later scene to the very first, so I really appreciate any hints on what didn't get reframed.