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Author Topic: Duet
Toby Western
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Here's 13 (and a rather longer preamble).

I was hoping to submit the story as a WOTF entry, either this quarter or the next. The piece has been posted to a forum before, but it doesn't sound as electronic rights are an issue for the contest. If that isn't correct I'd appreciate the heads-up!

The story is 8,000 words long. If anyone would like to review I would appreciate it and be more than happy to reciprocate. I have never submitted a manuscript before and would be deeply grateful for a sanity check on the formatting as well as critique of the content.


Remard
One of the courtiers asked me today when it was I first realized that I loved the Huntress. I shook my head at his naivety and span a very pretty yarn about how love does not come in a blinding flash accompanied by a thunderclap, but grows gradually through the association of common interest over the days and weeks. A good speech, well constructed, well developed and well delivered – the young dukeling is probably quoting the more memorable passages to his fellows even now, with as much world-weary cynicism as he can muster. But in doing so, he is perpetuating a lie. The truth is that I can name not only the hour and the minute when I was stricken, but that every detail of the moment is indelibly engraved upon my


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Bent Tree
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quote:
Remard
One of the courtiers asked me today when it was I first realized that I loved the Huntress. I shook my head at his naivety and [span a very pretty yarn][? spun an elaborate yarn?] about how love does not come in a blinding flash accompanied by a thunderclap, but grows gradually through the association of common interest over the days and weeks. A good speech, well constructed, well developed and well delivered – the young dukeling[I'd reconsider this unless you are going for comic affect] is probably quoting the more memorable passages to his fellows even now, with as much world-weary cynicism as he can muster. But in doing so, he is perpetuating a lie. The truth is that I can name not only the hour and the minute when I was stricken, but that every detail of the moment is indelibly engraved upon my

If you are trying to prep this for this quarter WOTF, I can help you crit, if you can look over mine. I am doing a major overhaul on it. If so lets set a response at the end of the week. I can try to have mine to you by tommorrow. You can send yours now if it is ready. I'll go over it ASAP, but I'll guarantee it by Friday, so you can have time for revisions.Let me know if you want to swap.

This intro is interesting--a cocky suiter. I am interested in the character.


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Jon Ruyle
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This looks interesting. I'll be happy to read it, but my turnaround may be a little slow.

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TheOnceandFutureMe
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Since you're writing in the first person, you can shake off my entire crit by saying that you're writing in your character's voice, but hear me out.

I need more concision.

quote:
One of the courtiers asked me today when it was I first realized that I loved the Huntress.

This becomes: "A courtier asked me today when I realized I loved the Huntress."

quote:
I shook my head at his naivety and span a very pretty yarn about how love does not come in a blinding flash accompanied by a thunderclap, but grows gradually through the association of common interest over the days and weeks.

This becomes: "I span a yarn about how love does not come in a blinding flash, but grows through time."

quote:
A good speech, well constructed, well developed and well delivered – the young dukeling is probably quoting the more memorable passages to his fellows even now, with as much world-weary cynicism as he can muster.

This becomes: The dukeling is probably quoting the more memorable passages of the speech to his fellows even now, with as much cynicism as he can muster.

quote:
But in doing so, he is perpetuating a lie.

This becomes: "He is perpetuating a lie."

quote:
The truth is that I can name not only the hour and the minute when I was stricken, but that every detail of the moment is indelibly engraved upon my

Cut "when I was stricken," otherwise it's fine.

quote:
A courtier asked me today when I realized I loved the Huntress. I span a yarn about how love does not come in a blinding flash, but grows through time. The dukeling is probably quoting the more memorable passages of the speech to his fellows even now, with as much cynicism as he can muster. He is perpetuating a lie. The truth is that I can name not only the hour and the minute, but also every detail of the moment is engraved upon my

I cut 40% of your word count, without losing meaning.

Now, you may not want to cut all of this, but you still have to balance your voice with concision. Be artful, but be precise.

And of course, this is all IMHO.


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akeenedesign
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I think OnceandFutureMe made good points about trimming out some excessive wording, but other than that, I think it's a good hook. The character is real and unique; this is a definite eye-catcher.
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Toby Western
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Thank you for the insightful comments and the kind offers to crit.

I am very much writing from the character’s viewpoint (the story is told using two ‘talking heads’), but I will see if Remard can’t be persuaded to be a little more concise.

The Huntress tends to be more direct.


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Toby Western
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I've tried to tighten up the prose, without killing the voice. It's not a huge change and is even less apparent in the line count as I added a paragraph break. Hopefully it will be sufficient to see the page turned...

Remard
One of the courtiers asked me today when it was I realized that I loved the Huntress. I shook my head and span a very pretty yarn about how love does not come in a blinding flash accompanied by a thunderclap, but grows gradually over time. It was a good speech, well constructed and well delivered. The young dukeling is probably quoting the more memorable passages to his fellows even now, with as much world-weary cynicism as he can muster, but he is propagating a lie.
The truth is that I can name not only the hour and the minute, but that every detail of the moment is indelibly engraved upon my memory, down to the way the sunlight divided her angular face into light and shadow and the dance of the dust

[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited March 22, 2008).]


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TheOnceandFutureMe
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I like this rewrite. I would cut a few more words, but I recognize that that's how I write.

I do think you should put "He is propagating a lie" in a sentence by itself. It's so powerful, such a great shift in tone, that I think it deserves its own sentence.

I'll read if you want.

[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited March 22, 2008).]


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