posted
When I boarded the Gateway 7 ship, I discovered an uncomfortable fact. There were going to be five of us on board. “Six on the return trip,” Marla informed me. “And where are the extraneous personnel bunking?” “We can take turns hot bunking.” Six months out and six months back. “I don’t think so.” She looked around the tiny cabin. “It will have to work.” One month went by. We had a spectacular view of Jupiter and then darkness closed in. The sun grew smaller. Halfway to the Oort Cloud I was still clueless about this trip. I finished reading through all of D’Chovrinki’s Venusian thrillers and toyed with writing one of my own. I kept going through variations of murder aboard a Gateway 7. Sometimes I was the villain. Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I think you're covering too much ground in just 13 lines.
First, for me there needs to be a clear, compelling reason for the overcrowding and hotbunking, because it will so clearly lead to murderous tensions. I'm unwilling to suspend disbelief, and it seems an overly simplified setup for the hook in the last two sentences.
Also, we don't know who the other characters are (aside from the fact that one's called Marla) nor their relationships, and we don't see the murderous tensions build in the MC, so we don't feel it.
I'm left wondering, why'd the MC agree with Marla that it will have to work? I don't want to spend time with an MC who allows him(her?)self to be pushed around like this.
There's maybe a story here, and I enjoy stories about space journeys, but for me the mission and the characters have to be interesting.
posted
Hmmm. It is maybe a little dense, but I really, really like it, and while I agree that a little more information might be nice, i don't know what I'd cut to give it.
Looking at it....wracking brain...
I dunno...it seems pretty darn good as it is. Thats about all I can say withot more info.
posted
I love the dialog. You lost me almost right away afterwords, however. I think you're trying to say too many things at the same time.
[Edited to add:]
Actually, I think the problem is here:
"One month went by. We had a spectacular view of Jupiter and then darkness closed in."
Are you trying to say this happened during the month, or that the month has passed, and now we're experiencing this stuff with the character? My confusion on this continued pretty much through 'till the end.
[This message has been edited by Rheniel (edited April 15, 2008).]
posted
The line "One moth went by" is a huge jump from "It will have to do." This eliminates a chance to introduce the other characters as they meet the MC. I'm reminded of the beginning of "Sphere" as the characters are preparing to go down to the ocean floor. In that scene we get the MC's initial take on all the characters. These introductions can help to set up tension.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
I loved this. I did share some confusion with other posters. I think I put my finger on the place I got confused. One month went by. Then there was the line "halfway to the oort cloud..." - I don't know whether that indicates a new time or if that is = one month.
Does that make any sense? It threw me, and made it a little tricky to understand the rest of the segment.
But honestly, it's a great start. Is it aiming for flash length by any chance? It has the pace of a quick and dirty 1k...
posted
Six months out and six months back. “I don’t think so.” ----------- I think I would change this to be a quote: "Six months out and six months back? I don’t think so.” As it is, I don't know if someone is thinking it or it is simply a statement of fact.
**** Like others, I have a problem with "One month went by."
I get the feeling that the fact that time passed is what is important. Is there anything special about it being a month? Perhaps something like "A month later we were enjoying the view of Jupiter before the darkness."
**** This may sound nit-picky, but stick with me on this one to the end. --- "We had a spectacular view of Jupiter and then darkness closed in." --- Technically, "in" can be argued to be an adverb in this sentence (it answers the question "where?"). However, there are many old-schoolers who would say that it is a preposition---and one never should end a sentence in a preposition. Since you never know what the editor will think, it might be safer to avoid it when possible. This is not a problem in dialog where you can have characters say anything you like.
In addition, I'm not sure about the grammatical structure of the sentence. It appears to be two clauses together. It might be better to say something like: "We had a spectacular view of Jupiter before the darkness enveloped us."
**** I'm not sure that I'm hooked into the story. Perhaps moving more of the murder information earlier in the story.
[This message has been edited by Stagecoach (edited April 18, 2008).]
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