posted
This is a WIP. I'm looking for general comments on it.
Cirole pumped his wings twice then proceeded to glide. The inviting green coast of Vandyer was a stark contrast to the rocky cliffs of Scandalvine. Fifteen years of living on a steady diet of reindeer, cod, and redheaded Scandalvinians was enough for him. Let’s see what Vandyer has to offer. A chorus of squawks and honks caught his attention. Cirole tilted his scaly wings and maneuvered to tail the migrating geese. With a burst of energy, he cut through the center of the V and caught the lead goose in his teeth. He looked back to see the flock scatter in all directions. His eye ridges quivered in delight to see how well he disrupted their formation. He chewed then swallowed.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 08, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 10, 2008).]
posted
I'm assuming Cirole is the new dragon in the title. The images are clear to me, and I like that. I'm interested, perhaps, in what it's like to be a dragon. But I see nothing to like in this one, at least, not in the first 13.
His Scandalvinian diet was a puzzle. Reindeer I can understand, but how is a dragon going to catch cod? I'm imagining he or she is too large to do what ospreys do. And are all Scandalvinians redheads, or does he only like the red ones? More importantly, why'd he leave Scandalvinia? (BTW with that place name I guess you're alluding to Scandinavia but it's too close to "scandal" for my taste.)
I wouldn't read on because I don't find Cirole attractive to spend time with, and I don't see what his problem is. Indeed, I think he's more likely to cause problems than solve them, and I prefer stories that follow an MC through an interesting problem to a solution. (And if he's really a she, I apologise.)
posted
Doesn't grab me yet; he seems sort of matter-of-fact, and I'd rather be horrified (or otherwise moved).
This might help get us to the reason for reading sooner (that is, the first line):
quote:Fifteen years of living on a steady diet of reindeer, cod, and redheaded Scandalvinians SHOULD BE enough for ANY DRAGON. Let’s see what THE COAST OF Vandyer has to offer, CIROLE THOUGHT.
posted
I kind of liked it. I'd be willing to have a look sometime when you're ready.
I agree about it sounding like Scandinvaians -- who are blond, not red-haired. I did find that confusing for a moment. Alter your people's name a little more?
I like the basis of the story. It has strength, but your opening thirteen lines read as a backdrop to the actual story.
Cirole might like eating geese and be tired of Scandalvinians, But its not what your story going about.
It's all good information about Cirole, but it might be to your advantage (and your readers) if you worked these details into the main story as you go along.
posted
OK, I don't want to beat a dead Scandalvinian, but I have a problem with the name. This is a personal choice. I don't mind an author making up names for characters or places. However, I'm a simple person---please make up names that are short, easy to pronounce, easy to remember, and easy to distinguish from other names in the story. Cirole works for me. I have a problem with Scandalvinian.
quote:BTW with that place name I guess you're alluding to Scandinavia
Yes, I do want to put the reader in mind of that comparision, but for future consideration. Tha 'Scandal's have little to do with this story but I have plans for them in another.
quote:I agree about it sounding like Scandinvaians -- who are blond, not red-haired.
Hmmm, what about that Eric the Red character? I believe he came from there.
quote:OK, I don't want to beat a dead Scandalvinian, but I have a problem with the name.
I don't know, Tolkien didn't have a problem using names like Rhorirrim, Cirith Ungol, Isengard and countless others complicated names.
Like I said this is a work in progress but I do have the first scene written (about 350 words) if anyone wants to read to give some feedback I would be happy to send it.
posted
Hmmm, interesting, but....let's make a list, shall we?
1. No offense, here, but "new dragon in town" sounds like the title of a kid's book. 2. How is "cirole" pronouced? I couldn't make it out. 3. How would a dragon catch cod, and, unless this is a very small dragon, cod would not be sufficent to feed a dragon.
But other than that, I think you could go somewhere with this.
quote:1. No offense, here, but "new dragon in town" sounds like the title of a kid's book.
The titles that I place in F & F are not the titles that I use in my stories. Hatrack is a public forum so as a precaution I intentional no longer put the title of my work out before it gets published, that is if it gets published.
quote:2. How is "cirole" pronouced? I couldn't make it out.
Sir-ole as in old
quote:3. How would a dragon catch cod, and, unless this is a very small dragon, cod would not be sufficent to feed a dragon.
I already changed 'cod' to 'walrus'. For what it is worth, he steals cod from fishing nets but that has nothing to do with this story.
posted
Setting my personal preferences aside, the only thing I'd mention is "proceeded to glide." It just doesnt flow well for me.
Went into a glide? began to glide? Hmmm not sure...but thats the only issue thats hitting me at this point, aside from this not really being my kind of thing.
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