posted
I'd like to know if the first paragraph works or should I get rid of it, and also if this is a strong enough hook to maintain your interest or are you bored. It is a ghost story. Please be honest. I can take it!
Thanks.
Fiona listened to Father Ramon recite St. Francis Assissi’s prayer… “For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
At seventeen, Fiona had never truly experienced loss. She had never known her father, and her only family had been her mother, Natalie, her eleven year old sister, Evie, and her Great Uncle Jack. Now, standing in the cemetery with only her sister and mother present, she was just beginning to understand what her uncle’s death meant to her. His passing left behind a hollow space in her chest. Her uncle had lived with her family ever since she could remember. With Natalie working full-time, Uncle Jack had been the one to greet the girls when they came
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 04, 2008).]
posted
When you are introducing the names of the characters it gets kind of confusing as to who Natalie is. Is it her sister, her own name? I think it would less confusing if you referred to her as simply 'mom' or 'mother'.
Other than that, if I read that while in a bookstore I would definitely purchase it. I really want to find to find out what game the sisters were playing...lol
posted
I agree, mostly about the mother. Most people don't think or refer to a parent by name, so it could get confusing. Not as big a deal for the sister.
Also, I think you may have too much posted, not sure though
posted
Thanks for the great suggestions. Merlin-Emrys - I oounted thirteen sentences out - I think they are just long. Or I can't count!
Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2008
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
It's 13 lines, not sentences.
I agree with Jamie, that the girl's game and possibility of their involvement in his death is a good hook.
However, I can't say I would keep reading. This opening is pretty much a big, dense info dump. I think the story would benefit to work most of this into action. But, I'll line edit what you have (Using the IB method )
[quote]At seventeen, Fiona had never truly(Cut the this word, it means nothing) experienced loss. She had never known her father, and her only family had been her mother, Natalie,(This a POV issue, but why would she think of her mother as Natalie?) her eleven year old sister, Evie, and her Great Uncle Jack. (All of this will probably soon become apparent. No need to state it now. Work it in later) Now, standing in the cemetery with only her sister and mother present, she was just beginning to understand what her uncle’s death meant to her. (Don't preface your writing. Just get to what it means to her) His passing left behind a hollow space in her chest.(This is cliched.)*Her uncle had lived with her family ever since she could remember. With Natalie working full-time, Uncle Jack had been the one to greet the girls when they came home from school, the one to teach them chess, the one to teach them how to ride their bikes. Although his manner was gruff, he was always available for hugs, wiping tears, and listening to confidences.*(I like this info.) She felt as if she stood at the bottom of an abyss, encompassed in darkness, and she wondered if life would ever feel normal again. (I get it. You already said this. Move on.) Even worse, she couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling that somehow (Cut this word. The sentence reads the same without it) she and Evie were responsible for their uncle’s demise. Even though the coroner confirmed heart attack as the cause of death, Uncle Jack’s outburst the night they had played Spirit in the Glass was the first and only time she had ever seen him angry. No, not angry—afraid.
Great stuff here, but I think it should be trimmed to let it shine.
posted
Thank you for the great feedback. What is the IB method? I appreciate the time you took to respond and to clarify the 13 line vs. sentence requirement. I'm still getting the hang of this website.
Does anyone think I should get rid of the first paragraph? Any takers?
posted
Firstly, please note that it is St Francis of Assisi. Assisi is the name of the town in Italy, where he was born and not his surname, as suggested by your sentence. While there are many non-Catholics who will read it as his name and surname, there are others who have heard of him & the incorrect name will jar in their mind. Also, there are too many names thrown at the reader in such a short space of time. Take the first sentence for instance: Father Ramon is immediately introduced after Fiona, along with St Francis. Yet the two are not mentioned again. If Father Ramon is to play an important role, perhaps he can be introduced by name later, and only referred to as "the priest" or "the father" in the first part. It makes it easier for the reader to identify who the focal character is, at this early point in the story. The placement of the comma after "her eleven year old sister" is also confusing. The sentence can be read in two different ways due to the comma breaking up the sequence of names. Either Natalie is the eleven-year-old or Evie is. "Natalie, her eleven year old sister Evie," is more indicative of who the sister is.
[This message has been edited by supaflyza (edited May 06, 2008).]
posted
Thanks for the detailed feedback. I appreciate it. I am still wondering if I even need that first paragraph. It could simpify things regarding the father's name, and the prayer.
posted
The first sentence does set the scene in a way. It could be better written, so that the flow of the sentence reads better, but at the same time, I did initially wonder at the need for it. Is the prayer really relevant? Does it really have a place, or is it just 'sounding' or 'looking' pretty at the moment?
But I suppose it depends on exactly how the sentence is written. Perhaps the sentence should be rearranged, with the prayer at the beginning. Play around with it. Also, is the whole line of the prayer necessary, or would a phrase do? Like: "and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life". Would that phrase simply be sufficient, or do you need the whole line?
posted
I basically want to set the scene that the priest is reciting the prayer, and then this wolf comes that interrupts it. You can't see that part because it is down a paragraph or two in the story.
I like your idea about a partial line. That makes a lot of sense.
quote: Fiona listened to Father Ramon recite St. Francis [The word of would clear all of this up.] Assissi’s prayer… [“For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”<--[The beginning of a short story is the place to hook an editor/reader into perusing the enteirety. This, IMHO, should be cut. it slows the pace, and after telling us what the priest is reciting, it becomes redundant.]
At seventeen, Fiona had never truly experienced loss. She had never known her father, and her only family had been her mother, Natalie, her eleven year old sister, Evie, and her Great Uncle Jack.<--[Info-dump alert. I don't yet care enough about the character for her history. I want to know what's happening now.] Now, standing in the cemetery with only her sister and mother present, she was just beginning to understand what her uncle’s death meant<--Real beginning.] [to her<--Redundant. Who else would she be understanding at that point?]. His passing left behind a hollow space in her chest.<--[Yes, cliche, but, more importantly, it's not allowing us to feel, it's dictating how she feels.] Her uncle had lived with her family ever since she could remember. With Natalie working full-time, Uncle Jack had been the one to greet the girls when they came<--[Info-dump.]
What you have done is quash any immersion. You let us know we are readers and you are narrating. Keep true to PoV, and start us--especially in a short story--where the action/dilemma begins. We'll forget we're reading and be immersed in the story.
From what I've read, your PoV character is Fiona. Would she even hear the words of the prayer? I don't know what the wolf has to do with the story, but it's sounds like more of a hook.
Here's an example (an imperfect example, but setting a feel, PoV and a hook):
Fiona felt numb. Mother and her little sister Evie stood on the other side of Uncle Jack's grave, heads bowed respectively as the priest droned on, but Fiona held a hand to her stomach. Evie sniffed and Mother held her shoulders a little tighter. Fiona rolled her eyes toward the heavens, only to find that God had shut her out with gates of gray clouds. She was truly alone.
Then she saw a wolf. It moved slowly, as if it knew that this was a ceremony for the dead and didn't want to disturb it. It was a beautiful black creature, which kept its head down as it padded toward the grave. The droning had stopped. Fiona turned and saw the priest with his mouth agape and eyes as wide as if he were seeing the devil.
It's a subtle hook, but it stays true to PoV.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 07, 2008).]
No, Oliver House is a great editor. But, I'm glad I could help.
It's good not to rush into fixing up the 13 lines. Take your time, make sure we are seeing what you want us to see. You can't post more than 13 lines at Hatrack, but you can at Liberty Hall--it's password protected, and not published if you display the entirety there.
quote:I hope you'll be one of them, because... man... you're good.
We all work hard to perfect the craft we love. It's always easier to edit someone else's work than to do so with your own. I have the privelage of being in excellent company. Both Hatrack and at Liberty Hall are loaded with great writers who have helped me get where I am--and set my sights on where I'm going.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 07, 2008).]
Ah, yes, I may have spoken a bit presumptuously. I use a modified IB method, employing parenthesis instead of brackets, and pretty much repeating "cut this, cut this" like a parrot with a scissor fetish.
quote: I use a modified IB method, employing parenthesis instead of brackets, and pretty much repeating "cut this, cut this" like a parrot with a scissor fetish.
LoL. Except for the parenthesis, you're getting it.
posted
I just don't know how to reply. I can't stop laughing. Of course you are the only one who can do the IB method, because you are IB, and there is only one you!
I thought that remark was very funny, and so I was amazed! At first I thought that IB was an external technical method out there in the writing world. I am literal minded, so that is why I asked.
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