Dillon took a deep breath. This first meeting with Katherine’s father was in no way going as he expected. Mr. Hawthorne’s scrutinizing gaze was unnerving. So much, in fact, that he wasn’t sure if he had actually seen the bishop on the third chessboard, neatly arranged on the table before him, move by itself.

“Do you play chess, Dillon?” There was a sparkle in his eye that made him feel Mr. Hawthorne was enjoying his unease. “Relax, Dillon, it is magnetized. My associate in Singapore just sealed his demise, wouldn’t you agree?” he said after a short pause, looking over the four chess boards.

QUOTE, Modified:
Dillon took a deep breath. This first meeting with Katherine’s father was in no way going as he expected. Mr. Hawthorne’s scrutinizing gaze was unnerving. So much, in fact, that Dillon wasn’t sure if he had actually seen the bishop move by itself. He tried to ignore the four chessboards, neatly arranged on the table before him.

“Do you play, Dillon?” There was a sparkle in Mr. Hawthorne’s eye that made Dillon feel the old codger was enjoying his unease. Mr. Hawthorne looked at the bishop. “Relax, it’s magnetized. My associate in Singapore just sealed his demise, wouldn’t you agree?” [No reaction from Dillon?]

Mr. Hawthorne stood and walked to the window of the … “So how do you feel about evolution?”
END QUOTE, Modified

I'm a little confused reading this, but not because you're not communicating clearly in a micro-sense (your sentences are clear and make sense) but at the macro level this is confused. There's a lot of information flying about here, a lot of details that aren't necessarily tied together.

1. Mr. Hawthorne (who I assume is Katherine's father and not someone else in the room) has a collection of chess boards before him. I think he's playing remotely against someone from Singapore, but the way this is explained it isn't entirely clear.

2. I sense that this is Dillon and Mr. Hawthorne's first meeting, but this isn't really explored either.

3. The evolution line of discussion seems to come clear out of left field. It's even more perplexing since Dillon never answered the last question Mr. Hawthorne asked, "Do you play chess, Dillon?"

If I could make a suggestion to this, it would be to spend a little more time lingering over the details, and expend a little more focus setting the scene for us. Don't rush us through a scene that isn't (I'm assuming) intended to be tense or fast-paced. Maybe explain the chessboard and the mechanism behind it a little more - the slightly eccentric character of Mr. Hawthorne and Dillon's attempt to relate to him is going to need to be your hook here, since there isn't anything else going on.

I hope that helps.

I started getting interested when I thought the bishop really did move by itself -- I'm a sucker for telekinesis and whatnot. When I found it was magnetized, I wondered what the speculative element was. I felt it was a little bait and switch. Just food for thought.

1) A little shuffling muight help:

quote:

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Dillon took a deep breath. Mr. Hawthorne’s scrutinizing gaze was unnerving. This first meeting with Katherine’s father was in no way going as he expected.

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2) The following sentence it clunky...

quote:

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So much, in fact, that he wasn’t sure if he had actually seen the bishop on the third chessboard, neatly arranged on the table before him, move by itself.

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...simplifying the though may help:
He felt odd surrounded by a collection of chessboards, like he should keep on his toes. Did that chesspiece just move on it's own?

quote:

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“Do you play chess, Dillon?” [He felt] Mr. Hawthorne [was<--cut. enjoy[ed] his unease. “Relax, Dillon, it[']s magnetized. My associate in Singapore just sealed his demise, wouldn’t you agree?” he said after a short pause, looking over the four chess boards.

“So how do you feel about evolution?” Mr. Hawthorne stood and walked to the window of the

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quote:

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So much, in fact, that he wasn’t sure if he had actually seen the bishop on the third chessboard, neatly arranged on the table before him, move by itself.

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The chessboard piece moving of its own accord, is a significant detail, second only to how unnerving Mr. Hawthorne's presence is.
Yet, it's lost in a sentence full of details about where the chessboard is, how many boards there are and how it's arranged.
I think it would be far more effective to have a much shorter sentence here, that only deals with the piece moving by itself.
Follow that up with: "Do you play chess, Dillon?" and you have a sequence of sentences that unsettles the narrator and the reader instantly.
Dillon's just thinking: Did that chess piece move on its own, or am I imagining things?
The reader's going: Well, did Dillon imagine it or is something else afoot?
The very next sentence confirms everyone's suspicions with Mr Hawthorne's words. He's just 'responded' to Dillon's thought and the reader's!

quote:

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"My associate in Singapore just sealed his demise, wouldn’t you agree?"

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